After 7 days, I got a message

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
After 7 days, I got a message
12
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 10:30am

Today would have been the 8th day of NC.  I was doing well, but was hoping to hear from him. Well, I did.  Now, I don't feel so well. The heart is beating like before.  He only asked how I was doing and replied to my message from last week and signed it Love,___XO. So, people, I need your help.  I am guessing that you will all tell me to ignore the message and go on with my life.  Since it took him a week to respond to my message, the vindictive part of me wants to let him sit and wonder what happened to me which is why I was hoping to get a message.  I don't have any bad feelings towards him because we could never have a relationship together and I wanted him to find someone who he could love and would love him. Part of me is jealous, part of me is relieved and I am able to go back to my life, part of me is hurt because it all happened so fast and I think he could have handled everything better. I would have appreciated a nice Dear Tam letter to put it all to rest. I don't like the writing me then not writing me for 11 days, then writing, then not writing for 5 days, and so on. I had told him that I would not initiate contact with him, but if he sent me a message, I always answered it. After the 11 day stretch, I blasted him for not talking to me and leaving me hanging. After the 5 day and 7 day stretches, I expect it. My head tells me this WHOLE thing is ridiculous. I never wanted another man in my life. Then once I got one, I still don't want him, but struggle to get over him. I hate feeling like this!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Tamcoll

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 11:31pm

I love reading how you are plugged in again and re-engaging with your kids and with life.  And that your husband is coming around is great too...maybe its infectious...lol

Stay the course, and you can't go wrong.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 10:31pm
Thanks, Sunny! You are correct. I'm not sure what I was looking for. I never realized anything was missing. Maybe it is because my husband is absorbed in his work or golf and doesn't pay enough attention to me or the kids. He has been doing better lately. It was rough when my older 3 were young. IDK. I know things are over and I feel so much better when I don't hear from him. I am able to get things done rather than sit at the computer all day. I feel better about myself. I had been feeling lonely and bored with life. I never felt like that before the EA. I also felt bad for neglecting my son while I was emailing or chatting online. Today was a good day. The 9 hour drive to take my daughter back to college kept me occupied. I get to spend tonight with my oldest son who came along to ride with me so I wouldn't have to make the trip back alone tomorrow. WE are going to do some sightseeing on the way home. It should be fun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 2:16pm
Hi Tam, I have been wanting to respond to your post since you made your first one. My A was primarily an EA and I understand how you think it's the same but it's not. Except that it is..... We were both looking for *something* from someone who was not our husband. We both feel in *love* with someone who was not our husband. We both now have to look inward at what was missing/driving us to do that. It doesn't matter about the who, how, whys of them anymore. It's all about us now. Let him go sweetie, he doesn't really want you, just those feel good ego strokes you gave him. You are missing the ones he gave you, when you peel it back thats really what you miss...... I know how much it hurts but I promise you it gets better - with time. You are doing the right thing blocking every avenue. It's over now sweetie, anything from here is just putting off whats destined to end anyway - and believe me, that bit is just torture. You can do this Tam,  I know you can Hugs Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 10:24am
Sunrise, you rock! This is so true "I came to find his attempts insulting because it meant he clearly saw me as “that kind of girl”, KWIM? If he knew that I was unavailable and not “that kind of girl”, he wouldn’t even try. He’d go find another “that kind of girl”. " If we think of this every time a MM or any man if we are M acts inappropriately with us and stop them dead in their tracks we will never get caught up in the stupidness of an A. After all, if a MM comes on to you he is disrespecting you and telling you up front that he is a liar, cheater and doesn't have respect for commitment, marriage or women.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 8:57pm

Thanks PAC.  Yes, my AP did make me feel special, but it is true, nothing can or will come of it.  Only feelings of addiction and loss of control over myself. Things I do not like. I have been married for 28 years and my husband still finds me sexy and attractive after all of these years. I don't know why I ever was interested in anyone else. No marriage is perfect, but mine has always been strong and happy, heck, I had my last child when we were married for 22 years! Like the new poster today said, she was persued until she gave in.  I was persued too. He made it very clear that he was interested in me. I was flattered that someone would be interested in me, but I tried very hard to keep my distance.

I'm not sure if I should send a final goodbye note.  I have tried it in the past and we always ended up reconnecting.  I agree totally that I want to be the one to end it and I know that if I don't he eventually will, but either sending an email or not respondingI feel like I am in control.

My husband didn't mean to offend me with his compliment.  He really meant it as a compliment, but it didn't come across like he had hoped it would. I was probably more sensitive to it also because of the compliments from the other guy were less specific.  ie you are stunning, gorgeous, beautiful. I wasn't insulted. I joked with him and gave him a hard time about it. He really does think I look good.  I have tried to always look my best even when I stay home. It's kind of old fashioned, but I want him to want to come home.

Thanks for the advice,

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 8:05pm

Hi, Tam.

Most all of us have been where you are.  I absolutely relate to your A as there are some paralells as I wasn't looking for my own A to happen, and it was with someone who was/is a really great guy. 

It felt lovely to be appreciated, sexy... wanted.  But I knew there would be no good end to it, so, I cut my losses, and wrote my final good-by email to my xAP in mid-September.

My best advice to you is to constantly check your reality.  You may still be in the fog of the affair.  You must step into reality - and keep reminding yourself as to why this is an impossible situation.  And while you're doing that, remember that 75% or more A's do NOT succeed.

I am trying very hard to fix my own troubled marriage, but in your case, you have a good relationship to begin with.  I'd say some therapy would help, particularly if your H's backhanded compliments are too much to bear.

Promise yourself you'll keep remembering how impossible all of this - is and take steps to right your life again.

At the very least, you do NOT want to have your xAP end things - and he will eventually do just that if you do not.

((HUGS))

PAC

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 6:47pm

>So, I'm not going to respond and I have blocked him from sending me anymore messages<

Excellent!  Sheer determination and major pro-active activity in that sentence.

Now, it's really important that you stay close to the Board, Tam.  I hope you are reading in the H.L. too because that's where we gain strength, resolve and momentum.  Eventually,  with all that insight and wisdom you gain, over time you really hope that he never fishes again because you've gone back to where you belong.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 2:42pm

Sunrise, you are so right.  It has been on life support since November. I do hate the secrets and I was feeling so much happier without hearing from him. My situation is different, yet the same from the rest here. But having feelings for someone who is not your husband is still having feelings for someone who is not your husband whether you see him or not. You still invest your time and energy in someone else. I want to stay in my marriage and I need to find the backbone to let it all go. So, I'm not going to respond and I have blocked him from sending me anymore messages. I'm tired and I don't like who I had become.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 1:35pm

I hadn't thought of it in that way. I still have feelings for him.  I agree with feeling better with no contact.  I was feeling like my old self until today. I have now blocked him from contacting me on my email account.  Texting is not a problem and he won't call me nor do I think he is interested in doing so. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 1:35pm

I hadn't thought of it in that way. I still have feelings for him.  I agree with feeling better with no contact.  I was feeling like my old self until today. I have now blocked him from contacting me on my email account.  Texting is not a problem and he won't call me nor do I think he is interested in doing so. 

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