After all these years....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
After all these years....
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 10:17am

It's been a long time since I've posted. But I find myself struggling with an emotional tuggle that I can't seem to shake. This board was a life saver for me and once again I need a little hand holding.

XAP and I haven't seen each other in years. We were mostly NC until last month. For the past few years, I bet we had maybe 3-5 emails. Nothing more than Happy Holidays or a Happy Birthday, hope you are doing fine. Neither of us wanted to resume the affair that lasted over 6yrs. Last month I met him for brunch. We live very far apart, but he was in town to attend a funeral. I thought I could see him and be ok. I'm not. Even though we were together (in a public restaurant) for about 2 1/2 hrs., all the feelings and emotions came rushing back. I never expected that - I thought I was immune because I had long ago pushed him out of my daily thoughts. The affair and XAP were in a box -all tied up with a bow and stored away - or so I thought. A few days after our brunch, I got very ill and had to rush to the emergency room. While in the ER, my husband seemed bothered that he had to be there in the middle of the night. He half way tried to comfort me but his efforts were noticeably strained. He left to get some fresh air. I lost it and cried realizing XAP would be by my side, holding my hand and doing anything he could to comfort me. I tried not to think that but the feeling wouldn't go away.  I felt so lonely in the hospital and even a few days later. (I was fine, just a bad stomach bug) I could not shake the feeling that XAP would hold me, take care of me and be supportive. My husband is a man who says suck it up instead of what can I do to help. I know I have to let this go but I'm struggling. I know I shouldn't allow the thoughts of AXP to invade my life again, but they are there. I have not spoken to or emailed XAP after our brunch, so he doesn't know all this happened nor will I tell him. I won't go there, I know that would be opening the door further and I don't want to feed his ego, haha. Soooo, how do I get past this? It just won't leave me and I find my thoughts wandering back to XAP. But I really don't want to go backwards ! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 10:35am
Hi Bandy,

I am happy to hold your hand, though I am not as experienced as others on the board. My guess is that you have to go back to the same drill as before, to move on as though you were ending it for the first time. Feel what you feel, cry if you need to - stuffing the emotions down just doesn't work and they will trump your thinking any time they can. So let them out, and come here to talk yourself through it.
I would comment that more probably what triggered it is your sadness that your H wasn't really there for you during that stressful time in the hospital. Who knows why, hospitals do make some people really uncomfortable, or maybe he was raised to suck it up and never complain, and is limited in his ability to reach out. Whatever, you felt the hurt, and where to turn but to a dream of someone else that would soothe that hurt. Just like an imaginary friend to a child. I posted recently (a watched pot) about a situation that might be similar, I was SO upset by H that I desperately/frantically/crazily wanted to be with x AP even though I hadn't in a long time. But after some time, I came back to earth and spoke with H about the problem and we have moved on. If you can address things with your H, xAp ghostie might move on too. Just saying the problem out loud to my H was 80% of the fix.

Good luck to you, you'll be back stronger than ever -


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 11:11am

Hey Bandk :smileyhappy:

I'm glad it turned out to be just a stomach flu.  Whatever the symptoms were that made you be hospitalized must have scared you. a mom to her kid...after she knows she's okay...time for the good talking to.  What the HELL were you doing still emailing your xaffair partner?...and then going to brunch? C'mon, know better than you're back in the affair.  You never cut the cord completely and so now all it took was a hard situation to fill the cord up with blood...bad blood. Back to the drawing board, kiddo.  You can fantasize all you want of him being there for you, but the reality of the situation is that it would not be his place to do so...and so he wouldn't/couldn't...period.   

I'm sorry you felt lonely in the hospital.  It's a horrible way to feel.  Daisy had a really good point there.  Perhaps your husband was raised in a family of 'just suck it up'...and speaking to him about that...about what you actually need from a really good idea.  I have to tell MH exactly what I need, and he's happy to do it.  If I need a hug, more sensitivity,  more support, for him to just listen...whatever...he's not a mind reader, although he is getting better at it.

We don't want you to go backwards either.  Back to NC.  Please hang out ; and you now how to get to our Healing Library, so I don't have to give you directions.  Time to start working at banishing JAM from your thoughts...your life.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 11:48am
Hi !! I've already been reading - I know the drill, haha. Honestly, the few emails were so few and far between that it didn't feel like I was back in it. They weren't emotionally charged and they were very. very brief. I went on with my life with only occasional thoughts of XAP. I had no recognized desire for him at all, that's why this is so hard for me. Clarity, I knew I'd get a talkin' to - and I know I deserve it. Even after we parted after brunch, I was thinking it was nice to see him but not much more than that, no overwhelming feelings. Kinda like, that was nice but now I have to go to the grocery store!! I will always have feelings for XAP, I won't deny that, we had a very long history. But I just got caught up in a storm of emotions I guess. This totally caught me off guard and I can't shake it. But I will. I know XAP really is JAM and a man who has his faults. Daisy, your words struck me as right on target, pretty much what I felt. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 12:07pm
I'm glad you took my talking to in the manner in which it was intended...only out of concern and caring.

And just because I can't let it go. As long as we remain in contact with an affair long as we cannot say to our spouse "Hey, I'm still in contact with this guy I had an affair with"...we are continuing our deceptive ways and continuing along in an emotional affair. No more's no longer an aspect of the new-and-improved way of life. I know YOU know that, but just in case others don't make that connection.

I'm glad you're here...not really glad you're know what I mean :smileywink:


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 12:29pm
Hi Bandk73
Im sorry you are feeling unsettled but glad you are feeling better physically. We are always most vulnerable when we are physically at our lowest. Thank you for posting this, it is a good reminder to us all just how powerful the addictive nature of the A is. I guess Never really means Never.

You beat this before and then some! You will get back on track again.

Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 1:24pm
It is a huge reminder. Those scant few emails, even as innocent as I "thought" they were, as "friendly" as I thought they were, had an impact on me I would have never suspected. I am truly dumbfounded, I couldn't believe my emotions took over like they did. I got strong after ending the A with XAP. Really strong and I changed a lot. I never wanted to revisit those drama laden dark days again. My eyes opened and I really saw the light - the fog lifted. I was thinking and trying to remember the last time I saw xAP. Honestly that's how little of an impact he had on my day to day life. Then this happened and proved to me how wrong I had been. Obviously, lots to think about. Thanks all. Hugs. (and I thought of Iddy when I logged in - so sad)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 11:37am

Hi BandK,

Nice to hear from you but sorry for to read about all the pain you are going through. Sorry you wound up in the ER but I’m glad you are doing better now.

<<Neither of us wanted to resume the affair that lasted over 6yrs. Last month I met him for brunch. We live very far apart, but he was in town to attend a funeral. I thought I could see him and be ok.>>

I’m thinking back BandK , I realize it has been a while so correct me here if I’m remembering incorrectly, and you use to be the one going to see him somewhere most of the time. So I’m thinking there is something here in the fact that he was willing to come and see you.  You didn’t as you did so many times during the A have to go out of your way or far away to meet with him. It may not have been conscious but certainly worth a look to see if in some way you were trying to take back your power from all the extra effort you gave up/put in to see him during the A.

<<I lost it and cried realizing XAP would be by my side, holding my hand and doing anything he could to comfort me.>>

I thought when I read this but wait BandK, he was NOT there. I get what you might be saying in that his personality s to be a caregiver but the point was that he was not there to comfort you.  There is really no way to know how he would have reacted if he was with you. How tired he would have been. If he had other things wearing on his mind. If he wasn’t feeling well himself. So much to play into the scenario there is no way anyone can predict such things with accuracy. Using the crystal ball method usually results in finding out the ball we were trying to use to predict an outcome is warped.  

I’ve learned it can be really dangerous to go as far as saying how someone would have handled a situation or to speak “for” them. Sure we can say they normal handle X or Y very well or are normally a good caregiver etc. but that is as far as we can go realistically.

I’m sure with the meeting fresh on your mind it probably contributed to the thoughts you had in the hospital but I see a bigger issue here. As others have mentioned, you need to talk to your H about what you were feeling with regards to his actions and what you need in those situations from him. Fantasizing about what xAP would or wouldn’t have done does not help you solve the issues that come up in your M. It is a way to distract yourself from dealing head on with the problem.

You’re a smart lady and you have a lot to think about as you move forward.




Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 2:13pm

Hello Bandk,

I do not know your story of your A, you must of left before I got here, so you must have been out for at least a year, no?

The following sentence struck out at me "The affair and XAP were in a box -all tied up with a bow and stored away - or so I thought"

IMO, your thought was right on: the A and xAP were stored away in a nifty box with a pretty bow on the top shelf of the hall closet.  That does sound like you had ended the A to me.  Ending the A means the A is dead.  Death is followed by a cremation, a burial, thrown at sea, or all three, not stored in a box with a pretty bow.

Seems you just put the A on hold, stored it away carefully, ready to be used when the need and/or opportunity arises.  There is more to the circumstances of xAP being in town for a funeral that triggered your action of meeting him for brunch?  Maybe you need to dig into what that was and find better healthier ways of dealing with what that is? 

About H's responsiveness (or lack thereof), while you were in the ER, and  how xAP would be so much better at caring and holding your hand, it's fantasy, nothing more.  Let me share a little anecdote:

My H has never been the caring, empathetic type.  When my 3 yr old daughter had day surgery, he left me alone at the hospital, he had to work although self-employed and flexible time wise.  I was alone the whole day at the hospital and the drive back home, with my DD in the back seat vomiting from the effects of anesthetics.  Well, in the A  I would often fantasize how xAP would never do that, he would be so much more caring and present for his children and wife.  Well guess what what xAP was doing when his child had day surgery?  Yup, he was goofing off at work chatting me up on IM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 2:23pm

Hi E1  !!!!  (hugs)

  Ah, yes, it was XAP that sent me a short email detailing his trip and why. I just caved, no other way to say it. I felt I could see him and that would be it. When I say neither of us wants to resume the affair, believe me I don't, I really don't. So why did I go - good question. But I did and now dealing with the aftermath. I am getting back to myself and finding the power and strength I found after we ended.

  E1, Yes now I realize how off balance or whatever it was of me to think XAP could comfort me better than H. I was scared and in a lot of pain. And hubs was mentally checked out. I needed so much from H but never got it. This is pretty typical of H and partly one of the reasons XAP and I were so close for so long.And that conversation with H has already happened.

  Life has been ticking along just fine and for the most part, I'm very happy. Life has been good to me. The communication with XAP was about as often as the emails one would get from your dentist!! haha. I'm not trying to make an excuse but I do want to say they were few and far between, brief and friendly. In my mind I was done but seeing him really proved I wasn't. I get it now!!  And ya know, I got it way back at the ending too. I found strength I never knew I had and I was dang proud of that too! I will be fine but decided to check out the board and get a little EAS wisdom. I just needed ways to erase the thoughts that are lingering a bit more than I bargained for. And therein lies the problem, I know.  Thanks to all for the wise words and the handholding - hugs.  :-)