After a brief hiatus....I'm back

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
After a brief hiatus....I'm back
4
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:54am
briefly, though. I finally finished up my last graduate paper and I will graduate on May 15th with my Master of Science in Criminal Justice. It took me 6 years but I finally did it! To me, it was a bittersweet ending because exMM really helped me weather some of the worst times (esp. when my h was actively sabotaging my efforts) in the past 2.5 years. I had a mini-meltdown with a friend the other day about this (she knows everything) and I think it was the ending of school, the ending of the relationship, the soon to be ending of my marriage....it was just too many endings at once.

I also got a job, which I start on 6/13, as an investigator for the Federal government. I'm hoping that once I start working, I will not fixate on exMM and everything that occurred between us. However, I will be working in very near proximity to his office--and I'm already stressing about the possibility of running into him and how I would handle myself. (I'd probably act all calm, cool and collected---and then end up crying in the bathroom somewhere).

I can't even tell you how difficult it is NOT to email him....to let him know I'm graduating, to tell him about my job....but I know where that will get me----more obsessing about nothing. Somedays its just really hard. Somedays its not. But most of the time, I just really miss him.

I'm trying hard to jump back into my life and not come to the boards too often--as I can easily spend HOURS here and I want to do certain things before I start work and spend some time with my little one. I also find I'm trying hard, really hard, to refocus my mind--and sometimes coming here helps me dwell on certain things...and I so badly need to just let go.

The posts here in recent days have been AWESOME and I can't even tell you how helpful they have been to me. There are some days where I get all self pitying and think 'no one can understand this pain' but I come here and I read and I think...'well, yes, some people do understand'. Thank god for this forum.

Hope you all are having a wonderful day...and its bright and sunny--inside and out!!!

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:04am
Dharma;

Congratulations on your accomplishments. You don't know me but I read every post here. I ought to post more often. Anyhow, just remember ... with all of these endings, there are also new beginnings. And new beginnings can be just as stressful as endings are.

Good luck,

Torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:18am
Hi Dharma,

Good for you...what an accomplishment, you should be very proud of yourself. I understand how bittersweet this is for you though (I met my OM in one of my college courses....I finished up there this year (yeah) but still can't drive by the school without thinking of him!!). But with your exciting new job I am sure you are going to keep moving forward and making a great life for yourself!! You rock...keep it up!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:49am
Oh Dharma, big hugs to you girl!!!! Congrats on finishing that paper and getting your MS and a job with Yes, you've got alot going on right now, and although its all good, its bittersweet at the same time. Endings are difficult to handle, but its a great thing that you're feeling that now instead of just pretending to be happy. This seems to signal a whole new life for you and hopefully when the job starts you can begin all over again and put this ALLLLLL behind you.

I know what you mean about staying out of cyberworld. I've got clients whose houses are being sold at sheriff's sale and I'm supposed to be putting them into bankruptcy and somedays I'm here reading about people's pain instead, because sometimes that feels so much more important. I too could stay here for hours and hours, except that my clients get kind of inpatient - I get a mental image of sheriff's officers carrying furniture out of the house and my client sitting on the front steps with the cell phone trying to reach me, and me sitting here in my office, high heels on the desk, clicker poised toward the screen, chuckling and nodding my head about some post. Screwed up. Anyway, I just voided a sheriff's sale this morning and I'm rewarding myself with a few minutes of browsing here before I go on to the next debtor.

Congrats to you, honey. Enjoy the accomplishments, feel the pain when necessary, and know that it all shall pass. Love and hugs and cheers! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:23pm