After a month, he's back...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
After a month, he's back...
22
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:20pm

So, after HE ended this relationship over one month ago and stuck by NC, he is back. I'm not sure why or how because we haven't yet spoken, but he left several messages for me on Friday with a promise to call back at the "beginning of this week". Nothing yet, but he is so predictable that I predict a call tomorrow.

I've gotten different advice on how to handle this call. Some (including my T) say to take the call and tell him "no". I've been told that this approach will be much more satisfying than simplying ignoring the calls. I'm told it will give me a sense of control -- the one that I was lacking when he ended this. Others say, ignore the calls because you will weaken.

First of all, I don't even know why he is calling -- is it to "stay in touch" or to try and see me? If it's the first, I'd rather not talk. I don't really need an update on his life as it stands. If it's the latter, I know I'll weaken if we get on the phone together. I know that many of you have been there, so I'm looking for some advice.

HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:39pm

My opinion,

If you were over him, I'd say take the call and tell him to go f&ck off. But since you are obviously not, I'd say ignore it. Its a lose lose situation. Either you weaken and get sucked back in or you say no and he says okay and you get off the phone upset because he just accepted your "no" or his voice stirred up memores for you. Or he is just calling to talk (doubtful) and it will just confuse you and set you back.

JMHO,
Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:46pm

having been in your EXACT shoes - I know the BEST thing to do is NOT TAKE THE CALL! Ivy is right... if he's calling to see you - you'll hear his voice and miss him and cave - or if you don't cave and you do what the T says... and he just blows it off... that will HURT! If he doesn't blow it off and urges you to just see him - no hanky panky... you'll cave and hanky panky WILL BE HAD! TRUST ME!

And then THERE starts the cycle ALL OVER AGAIN!!! You'll be back to day one! UGH!!! Been there more times than I'd like to admit! :(

If he's just calling to see how you are - what the f(*& - SCREW HIM! You are FINE and you don't need his pity check ups on you!

Honestly I WISH I would have ignored that FIRST call - 1 month after - 3 months after - 6 months after... it's sure make things easier now that I'm READY to move on - 12 months after!

Hang in there!!!

BUT BECAUSE

I've been in your exact shoes - I have a feeling you'll take the call with hope - listen to him with hope and then you and your hope will be set out to dry Wed. morning when you again start wondering why he's not calling and why you are back to NC!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll all still be here for you... just wish we could be envying you and saying "you rock" instead of trying to fix exMM's damages! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 5:02pm

What could he possibly have to say that you really need to hear? He won the lottery, and is leaving his family. He has purchased a small tropical island and wants to give you time to shop before the plane leaves. His w ran away with the pool boy and he is miraculously single!

Anything else he says just causes you to stay trapped in the A. I did this for months. The calls were always so supportive and he told me all of the things he would never say before. How great I was, how much he missed me, if only he didn't have responsibilities I was the perfect girl for him, blah, blah, blah. I always got off the phone wanting more of him. Kept me hooked into an EA even though he had already made his choice. Once I realized that he had chosen his wife what else matters? You or her is the choice, not can I chose her and still have you around when I need an ego boost or I feel insecure?

I know it didn't matter what people told me or even if I knew intellectually that they were right I was so hooked I probably would have done almost anything he wanted, besides I just knew he was different and we were the exception.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 5:08pm
Thanks Ivy...I agree with you in theory and hope that I will be able to maintain this position tomorrow. Wish me luck! Although I am not over him, I am much better than I was just four weeks ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 9:28pm

It's so easy for me to give you the advice I am not strong enough to take. I think everyone already knows the answers. We are all intelligent women. LIke just look at me - I have been good at not seeing exMM but very weak about not replying to emails or texts. And of course I amswer the phone. Since the divorce didn't happen, I have been strong enough to not see/date/sleep with him but I have been unable to break contact. My therapist tonight actually said maybe its okay that I email him but leave it at that. She said maybe it keeps him at bay (so he doesn't ardently pursue me) and allows me in my own way to get over him. Like, maybe I'll grow bored of just emailing someone and naturally stop on my own as he becomes less of a real person to me and just an email address. Perhaps going cold turkey makes me think about him more than allowing myself to email a little. Interesting idea.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:02am

That is interesting. I am expecting a phone call today because his message of Friday say "the beginning of this week" (not Monday, but the beginning). I'm sure there was a reason he couldn't call yesterday (a reason like he was away with his girlfriend for a long weekend). And the sad part is that if he doesn't call for some reason (even if I opt not to talk), it will set me back. It already has set me back that I got two messages on Friday and no contact since then. I have been strong enough not to leave him a message in return, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I was anxious to hear from him.

Last night I had dinner with a girlfriend and we discussed three scenarios for handling any phone calls from him.

The first was to pick up and sound as though I am busy and very much OK. She thought it a bad idea since it was giving him too much information about my life and that it wouldn't affect him in the way I wanted it to. She's likely right about that.

The second was to confront him immediately about the purpose of his call. And if it was simply to stay in touch, I should hang up and say that I wasn't interested until he was free to see me in the way I wanted/needed.

The third was to ignore the call completely and let him keep calling until he got tired of not getting any response. She thinks this is the way to go, but I don't think I have the strength to do this. That said, she recommended option 2.

UGH! Why does it have to be this difficult?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:04am

<>

Yup, right back on that rollercoaster again. If that's what you want, then enjoy.

If not, then listen to your friend who instinctively understands that NO contact is the way to go.

Id says "No Contact means No New Hurts," and she's right, too. Those of us who have been successful at moving on with our lives have one thing in common... Rigidly enforcing no contact and where we work with our ex affair partners maintaining a strict professional relationship.

Know what else most of not all the successful ones have in common? We were all wrong when we thought we could be the exception to the rule & go back to just-friends or that our MM's would finally wake up, sniff the aroma of the coffee & realize they just couldn't live without us.

The fact of the matter is that MM's DO live without us, and they do so quite nicely, too. They have a whole other REAL life outside of whatever time we spend with them in a bubble away from reality. No matter what they say or how they say it or even how often they say it, until they can stick a divorce decree in your hot little hands, it's all a bunch of worthless waffle.

When their words say "I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you," yet their actions are those of heading home to their wives and families, you really need to pay attention to the action part of the equation. "You are the air I breathe, I love you so much, I can't bear to be without you...oh, uh, my missus will be wondering where I am, I'd best get off home now," is just plain bogus.

I'm sure he's an otherwise great guy who just has this eeny-weeny problem with sticking to one relationship at a time & has no difficulty in showing maximum disrespect to two women simultaneously. Bottom line? Wonderful people don't screw around. Wonderful people face their problems head on (yes, including relationship problems) and they resolve them rather than seeking distractions or, worse, someone to fix their problem(s) for them.

<>

Islandgirl, you have the strength to do this. You just need to find the want-to. There's a difference and when you have the want-to, the strength appears.

<>

Why? Because we insist on believing what they SAY even when their ACTIONS tell a completely different story.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:11am

Well, let me ask you this islandgirl, how about asking him (if you pick up the phone) what he really wants. I mean it like this (let me use what happened with me last night)- last night I had a long email exchange with xMM about him asking me if that was the last time we saw each other and had IC. I kept saying that as long as he was married, yes that was the last time. For some reason, he didnt seem to get it and got angry saying that he had a lot of issues to work out with me too and I had to do my part to help the relationship and if I wanted to lay all the blame on him, I was wrong. He wasn't getting that as long as he was married, there was no relationship to work on. It was all twisted. So then he called me and long story short, the real reason (I finally got it) that he never moved back to my city and never got the divorce finalized over the last two years was that he didn't trust me. So if I want this to work, I'd have to stop throwing the past in his face and work on our issues together and help him know me and trust me. Luckily I had just come from my therapist bc I saw clearly that a) he took no responsibilty for leading me on the last 2 yrs with broken promises and lies and actually held me responsible which is a pattern with him and his last 2 marriages b) he was trying to manipuate me and get me to take the blame for him non action and c) there is something seriously wrong with him. BTW, I did nothing wrong too. OK so I did date some periodically but I told him about it and said that it was because he was married after all. SO I told him, thanks but just leave me alone. No emails, no texts, nothing. That I found him unbelievable and to just go away.

My point to you is this: if you talk to you and he says he wants to see you ask him directly: "Jerk Boy, you know I'd like to see you but you still have your woman there. What would you have me do in this situation?" Such a direct question will make him squirm but maybe you'll get the answer that will set you free. Not so much a lovey dovey answer but an eyeopener answer.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:05pm

Ivy,

I know what you mean about getting an answer -- and you're right, sometimes I need to be kicked in the head with words I don't like to hear in order to move on. He did call this morning (about 2 hours ago) but I had a small meeting going on in my office (thankfully) and could not pick up the phone. However, it has set my entire day on edge. I am nervous, unable to concentrate, etc. I've got clients here later today and need to be able to focus. HELP!

I think I would have been better off to face the music and get the conversation over with. He said he would call back later today, but with my schedule, it's unlikely that we would connect. I don't think I can stand another day of this. I know the right thing is not to talk with him, but hearing his voice on my answering machine and not being able to call him back is unbearable. UGH!

IG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:12pm

IG,
This is a repeat post from a male poster from another board. I think it really applies to your situation.

CGU

"If either of you end things and the MM returns looking for "closure" or with notions of "gee I miss you" or anything like that... be wary. I read here and know women who've ended things or had the MM end things when demands became too great... only to get contacted about missing them, wanting to see them and other ego appeals. Be realistic: if this guy shows up again after being MIA for a while but has no new songs, no new dances, and basically just wants to see you again without anything having changed in his situation he is probably just trying to get laid. Sorry, ladies. If he calls and says "things are really bad at home now" -- who cares? If they're so bad... move out. He really misses you? Good, maybe the shock of unhappy change will prompt him to take action. No actions yet? Well, then maybe your missing from his life is simply a minor setback, not a major disappointment.

Things ended for a reason. Don't lose sight of that. Men will -- most men, anyway -- try to get back to a situation they were comfortable in. And that means if they can manage a few more rolls in the hay with you just by waiting a few weeks to call again... well, why make a meaningful change that they likely don't really want to make anyway? It's so much easier to call and see if they can make you feel special enough to want them again under all of the old conditions".

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