the aftermath?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
the aftermath?
5
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:30pm
This question is for any of you who have ended your A for a while or anyone who mayjust have some thoughts or suggestions. I ended my A more than two months ago and although we still work side by side and see one another each day, I have managed to end the physical relationship and I'm working hard on ending the emotional attachment also. It will become a bit easier soon because he has taken a job in another office in another building and we won't have that daily contact so real NC will be an option.

I am prepaired for this, but what I find myself doing now is going over and over it all in my mind. Not the sexual part or any of that, but I keep asking myself why I did what I did and why I let XMM treat me so calously and control me and control our relationship for so long. Three years to be exact.

I have come to terms with some of the reasons why I had the A personally, but why I let him control me so badly is really bothering me. I am married to a good man who does not treat me like that. We have a marriage where we share decisions and respect one another's opinions and have the right amout of give and take. Are celebrating our 28th anniversary this Thursday. So, I truly cannot understand how I could have let XMM manipulate me for so long.

I can forgive myself for making the mistake of becoming involved in the A and I have worked hard on my personal self and on m marriage to insure that I do not fall into that trap again, but I seem to dwell on the XMM control issue overly much. I have a lot of bitterness and anger toward him because of it, but I don't want to have him leave my department on the heels of a big scene with me, but I would love to tell him how I feel about this. I'm not going to do this however. He's leaving and will be out of my life and I don't want him to think he has upset me this much. Believe me, he is very self centered and it would be an ego trip for him.

I see so many negative qualities about him now and it makes me also question how I could have fallen for his charming crap. Did I loose my mind or something, and how could I have lost my mind for 3 years?

Should I just put this to rest in my mind and try to not think about it? Will this feeling of disappointment and yes, disgust with myself pass after some time?

Please give me your thoughts on this or your experiences.

Before I ended the A, I was tormented by guilt and now it is this questioning of my own judgement and the question fo how I could have been so weak and easily manipulated.

Oh yes, this was the only time I have ever had an A in my entire married life, so it has definitely left me an emotional mess. However, thanks to my two closest friends and some very helpful people on this board, I am getting better.

I just need your opinions on this.

Thanks for listening.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:37pm
hi Princess--

It sounds like you have removed most of this guy from your life, but the emotional part lingers.

It really sounds to me like you should get a bit of counseling. Just to explore some of the reasons you entered intot he A in the first place -- so it doesn't happen again. Then you can determine what you need to do to repair or fill in that hole.

Congratulations on the progress you have made :-)

free since 9/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:33pm
Dear IP,

I've read your post 3 times now, and although we have traveled similar paths, and time lines in ending our "on_the_job affairs, I'm not sure if the answers you seek are ones that I can answer. So let me try....

First off, I think that since 2 months have now passed, you are entering a phase that I crossed over 2 months ago myself. This is just about the time when the *fog* has completely lifted and you are now able to see the damage, not just feel it. You are clearly seeing a man who is more of a stranger than the one you thought you were giving yourself to. You are now projecting the last 3 years on that empty wall across the room and watching a foreign film, with you playing the lead role. You can now stand back and view everything in slow-motion, with the ability to critique(sp) this role-playing through eyes of disbelief and confusion. In essence, you are discovering that the entire 3-year run of what you thought at one time was an oscar winning performance is in actuality, just bits and pieces of cut and edited tape, lying on the floor in piles of dirt and dust.

The reality of what affairs are/and do....does not manifest until long after their demise.

Right now you are seeing all the positives for ending it, but cleaning up the residue from it's destruction is still the task at hand, and will be for quite some time. Presently I am at the tail end of the *anger* stage. It was uncomfortable but necessary to heal. You are probably entering this phase now, so as alarming as it may feel, go with it. Your mind is trying to release all of the toxins that these damn affairs create. I also think that maybe too, you are feeling anger that he is walking away unscathed, leaving you behind to once again fend for yourself in a mess he played such a huge role in making. Sweetie, wish the bugger well, and hold the door open for him when he leaves, and KNOW that he has lost control of you forever!

Hugs, ~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:49pm
I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to control. My MM was so manipulative and some how made it so I liked it - which is rather confusing being that I have a real issue with anyone trying to control me. I think perhaps for me the attraction to MM had a lot to do with the fact that he was the complete opposite of H, including the controlling aspect. I think I also confused his control with what I really needed and wasn't getting from my H, which was attention. Now, I look back on several specific times during the A and I get so angry and feel so mad at my loss of control and how I literally handed it over to MM on a silver plater. That of course is just my situation, but I thought I'd share!

Take care - Blue-Eyed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:59pm
Thanks to all of you. Your thoughts are appreciated greatly. AS we all know who post here, it helps just to know someone else has experienced similar feelings.

True, thank you. I think you are right in your assessment of the hpises you go through after ending.

I do feel lots of anger toward him and part of it is because he seems so untouched by this mess and is just going on with his new job and his life.

He has said that he misses me, but I didn't affect his life and his marriage nearly as much as he affected mine. I know that because I know him so well.

At least I'm not broken hearted over his leaving and I'm glad I was the one who ended it and I ended it even before we knew he was leaving for the new job. I ended it for my own sake and my own reasons and that brings me some comfort.

Thanks again.

Hugs and wishing all of you well and be strong too.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:42pm
true,

I can totally relate to your words...

' You are clearly seeing a man who is more of a stranger than the one you thought you were giving yourself to. You are now projecting the last 3 years on that empty wall across the room and watching a foreign film, with you playing the lead role.'

When my XMM asked if we could still be friends, I told him 'I don't think we ever were'.

And when he told me he 'misses chatting with me', well I told him, 'I guess you just don't get the fact that I don't know who you are'.

This really hit home for me. If this 'stranger' wanted me to know him, then he would have let me in emotionally - he chose not to. I was just blinded by passion (?) not to see it before.

Did you come to this realization on your own? (the steps, etc.) Or did you get there through therapy? Just curious. You sound very insightful!