Aftermath Effects
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Aftermath Effects
| Thu, 01-07-2010 - 2:24am |
Hi Everyone,
I’m struggling with something and I am following some of my own advice and posting here to ask for some support, advice, comments or whatever you can throw my way.
So here’s the scoop. XAp called on one of our home numbers.

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Hi E1
My H and i are now over a year into rebuilding after dday. We're doing pretty well most of the time although its not a year i'd ever want to repeat - if you know what i mean :)
Just before New Year my xAP tried to ring me on my work cell phone. I wasn't around to answer it at the time which meant it got recorded as a missed call. I haven't worried about where my phone is in a long time (no more hiding it away etc etc), so didn't even notice that it was there. When i did finally see it, it wasn't a number that i recognized but i thought it might be xAP simply from the time of the call and the fact that i was on holiday so it couldn't have been a work related call. Anyway I simply deleted it and didn't think anything further of it or bother to mention it to H. After all, like you say - why heap more pain onto the pile?
Then on New Years eve and my H and i are home alone and i knew that something is brewing under the surface. H demands to know 'what is going on between xAP and me' ... you see it turned out that he had picked up my phone, seen the missed call, googled the number and found it was for xAP! Obviously I was still keeping secrets, still hiding things ... and in that instant all the trust that we had painfully rebuilt over the year ... well ... just went back down the drain.
So I think you did the right thing, by telling your H.
What does your H say? Is he 'pleased' that you told him, is that what he thought was the best thing to do?
For my H thats what he wanted, he wanted my honesty, to know i was being up front, because to him the uncertainty of thinking i was back in the A was way more painful than him knowing that xAP tried to contact me.
We can't undo the past or take away the pain of an A, it's too late for that.
For me successful rebuilding can only happen if we keep our communication lines open and respect what the other person needs to make the relationship work. For my H its knowing any time that xAP tries to make contact - thats what he wants, so i'll do better next time.
It sounds like you and your H are doing well - all the very best to you both
g2bf
Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.
Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.
E1,
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You did the right thing, honey. I can only imagine the internal struggle you went through before telling H, but it delivers a message of trust, and that is what matters the most.
~Iddy~
E1~
Thank you for coming forth and sharing with us what has happened.
Morning E1 :)
I, too, think you did the right thing and for the very reason G82bfree spoke of in
Edited 1/11/2010 9:24 am ET by luvmytwocs
E1-
Even when you're struggling, you're a wonderful example (you AND your husband) of hope and how-to-do-it-right. Time to remember now that you and your husband have come so far -- and you'll continue to recover as a team. Time, too, to make his favorite dinner, lots of extra cuddles and maybe a lot of extra words of praise and love for hubbie. I'd throw in a BJ, but that's just me.
Love and love and love to you, my Obi-E1. Keep the faith.
Dee
Hi gr8,
Thanks for sharing your story with me.
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That helps put it in perspective. We have work so well on rebuilding and connecting that my H can now sense when something is wrong.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi Iddy,
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
I want you and all here to know that the board weighed heavily into my decision to tell my H. How could I be a hypocrite? Tell posters to be up front and honest and think with a different mind then created the A, then not do it myself?
I would like to think in the end I would have done the right thing either way but thoughts of the board and taking some of my own medicine really weighed heavily on my mind.
You are right about letting him process for a few days. I need to be patient and as hard as it is to stand by and realize there is not a lot I can do, I need to let him feel what he needs to get through this. I bumped up the Zen of Doing Nothing for Mickey and now I have to go read it…COL
Big hugs and thanks again,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I'd throw in a BJ, but that's just me.
This made me COL and then COL...that would be chuckle out loud and then choke out loud because I'm a smoker.
I'm going to hijack for one moment for another chuckle.
Thanks for the hug Clarity, I really needed that this morning.
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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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