The aftershocks....
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The aftershocks....
| Thu, 03-04-2010 - 12:32pm |
Ok; 10 days no contact. Still numb; and now agitated; and not sure where to divert these feelings. Not in the least am I agitated because I have ended this A; but I am agitated with not finding the warm loving

Congrats on 10 days!
I promised myself I wasn't going to count days keep a calendar or track my progress; but it seems to help me in accounting for the progression AWAY from the A. I understand the grieving process; but I find myself somewhat indifferent to my AP; I know it was an A and for whatever reason he could break the silence and come back time and time again; but I really hold no feelings for him. I found no emotional connection with him the past year; maybe because our projects had become intermittent and his slow disappearance was becoming more and more common; as we weren't having to work so closely together anymore. As I look back upon the past year I do realize that work was
The skills I learn here help me so much. I have struggled so much with ending my A, dealing with my feelings for Xap and at the same time trying to focus on my marriage.
Im learning that I need to give myself time, time to heal time to forgive. I want to replace the close feelings that I had for Xap with feelings for DH but I need to understand that it will not happen overnight. My marriage is where I belong, my H is a better man than Xap. That doesnt make the hurt less because I did care for Xap but it helps me to focus on all of the qualities that H has, integrity, trust, sense of humor. Those are qualities that made me fall in love with my H and Xap cheated on his wife twice before me, only had a sense of humor when it came to sex jokes and I would never trust him. Having said that, one would think it would be pretty easy to move forward and not look back.
Im learning more every day and taking baby steps but at least they are steps in the direction of ENDING this insanity.
GMLB
Wholeheartedly agree with you GMLB.
I can relate; there couldn't be two more different people and its hard not to compare; but what I sought in my AP is nothing my H can offer and vice versa. It ceases to amaze me that I let someone in my life like my AP; so different from any man I have ever dated; or held any interest in. I was lured in more by his charm and his attention; I never thought it would turn into an A.
Soon after my A started I was at a girlfriend weekend; ducking into the bathroom to text him; and arranging seeing each other later that weekend; my gut kept saying "WHAT are you doing? YOU will have to break this off ? THEN what are you going to do? YOU have to still work with him ?" and hundreds of scenarios went through my mind that weekend; when all I should have been doing was enjoying friend/sister time; and I kept scheming and dreaming.....that led to all of this.
I agree this board teaches so much; I feel like a sponge I can't soak it all up fast enough. I agree baby steps are key.