That it really is about something that is "off" within myself. It's not really about my H or my marriage, although the holes their eventually pushed me to the A.
Last night I realized that I think part of my involvement with the A is that I like the chase, the power.... that was a new insight for me.
At first I didn't think that i could relate to this- then as I continued reading, I realized that I too have exhibited questionable behavior in the past. I continued to sleep with a BF after we broke up and he had a new GF. I fooled around with countless boys who I knew had GF's. I haven't thought about that stuff in years. It was all stuff I did before I got M, back in High School and college. The A I ended 21 days ago was my first A, but thinking back, I've almost been sucked into other A's early in my marriage because I like the attention given to me by guys. Oh how sickening. This all makes me want to throw up. I am so ashamed of myself. But, like everyone else here, I pick myself up by the boot straps and make a choice to change.
Imustenjoy...... i LOVE LOVE LOVE your post. You got me charged up, girlfriend :) I am at the same place- admitting to myself WHO i really am, all of me even the messed up stuff.
I love how you say that you will come out of this an even more kickass woman, and that she's in there- I have often thought the same thing. There is this woman in me, and I am slowly carving away all the junk to get her and set her free. It is painful, but i have to do it. I have to do it, set myself free---- and no longer use other people, things and substances to feel me up when I feel lonely, empty, or less than.
So bring it. That's what I'm saying. BRING IT. I'm ready.
I had an AHA moment last night similar to yours.
That it really is about something that is "off" within myself. It's not really about my H or my marriage, although the holes their eventually pushed me to the A.
Last night I realized that I think part of my involvement with the A is that I like the chase, the power.... that was a new insight for me.
IMEP -
WOW.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
SLJ,
Be nice to yourself!
Imustenjoy...... i LOVE LOVE LOVE your post. You got me charged up, girlfriend :) I am at the same place- admitting to myself WHO i really am, all of me even the messed up stuff.
I love how you say that you will come out of this an even more kickass woman, and that she's in there- I have often thought the same thing. There is this woman in me, and I am slowly carving away all the junk to get her and set her free. It is painful, but i have to do it. I have to do it, set myself free---- and no longer use other people, things and substances to feel me up when I feel lonely, empty, or less than.
So bring it. That's what I'm saying. BRING IT. I'm ready.