"Aha" moment

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
"Aha" moment
9
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 5:32pm

Hi, everyone. Just wanted to share something.

Last night I went out with an old friend (OK, OK, another ex boyfriend) I hadn't seen in a very long time. He lives out of town and was in for a few days. It was nothing romantic. The thing is, he was so nice and friendly, and also such a gentleman! He did things like hold the door open for me, and was so friendly and attentive, so interested in my life and telling me about his and about his son... and suddenly I thought: wait! Here I am, thinking my xAP is so wonderful, and he never did anything like that! He'd walk too fast and I'd have to almost run behind him, he'd seldom invite me when we went out, he certainly didn't ask about my daughter nor tell me she was pretty when I showed him pictures... was he really that wonderful?? Was he really a generous person? I suddenly realized there are other people out there who are probably nice and friendly and generous!

So, anyway, it made my day.

Y

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 6:41pm

Okay, first the flying scissor kick: please tell me this ex-boyfriend isn't married. We have to protect ourselves from falling into other holes while we get out of the current one.

Secondly, indeed, by and large we don't fall for the person we're involved with in the A. We fall for a mirage. Some of it's their best foot forward (certainly in the early going). Some of it's our projection of what we need them to be, want them to be. Some of it's the tyranny of intimacy and biological chemistry. But the fog keeps us from seeing things clearly.

So, as we progress out of the A, we start to notice things. We notice what generosity and kindness really look like. Aha! We notice how people who truly love us and want to be with us behave toward us. Aha! Sometimes (often) we also notice that our own behaviour wasn't kind or loving or generous. (That was my personal aha.) We notice the difference between receiving multiple daily texts and having a friend call up to run errands together. It can be one very long chain of ahas when we come out of the fog.

Sometimes we get shoved out of the fog. AP reveals himself/herself to be something we don't want or need. We have a D day. There are many ways to find ourselves in the fog one moment and in the clear the next and then there are only two things to do. 1. Put your pants back on and run for your life. 2. Fight to get back into the middle of the fog where it's comfy. Sometimes doing nothing has the same result and we let the fog settle back around us.

I've done both of the above. When xap would repeatedly make plans with me to come "visit" and then take an assignment on the day we were to get together, I'm afraid I didn't read this as I should have the first two or three times. (Grand stupidity on my part. I had to travel to get to him so I was out of pocket and wasting my time.) The last time that happened, I said I was done and I hoped we could be friends but I wasn't going to waste my time, effort and money on another trip. In February, I got shoved clear of the fog and I ran.

Y, you've been shoved clear and this aha moment is surely the sign that you've got your get-me-the-heck-outta-here boots on. Go look in a mirror, look yourself straight in the eyes and tell yourself you're a very smart cookie. This should make your day. Ride it like a surfboard and see if it can make your week, your month, your quarter, all the way to Tweenerville.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 7:30pm
I grabbed your post, ran with it straight to the Healing Library and catalogued it under the Wisdom and Insights thread.

I know you won't mind :smileyhappy:

Excellent post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 7:36pm
Could you go in and fix the spelling of tyranny? :smileyvery-happy:
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 7:53pm
I will! I know how you feel. Seems anytime someone copies and pastes a post of mine, it the one with a typo in it! I hate when that happens!

I'm on it!.