... all about me! and you :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
... all about me! and you :)
1
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 7:38pm

Hello hello;

I am 2 weeks out of A and I am doing as good as can be. He is still on my mind A LOT but I try hard within to put the focus on things in my life that I have placed on the back burner for 3 years!!! The last year I would say I have given nil to my job, friends, family and myself. It was all about XAP. I thought to myself (especially lately) as to why my life seems to be in a halt and everyone is moving along. Engagements, baby showers, anniversary, soccer meets etc. Me I am wallowing in my own despair. I have nothing or think I have nothing going on in my life. Truth is I do but I focused solely on (so bad want to give him a deserving name LOL) but I'll stick to XAP. Even HE is moving along just fine always has. Soooooo, brings me to what I was thinking and it is sinking slowly but surely. It will help with my healing. Obviously my life is in shambles; I did nothing to enhance it. And obviously I am depressed because I fixated everything on whether or not he will be hot or cold. If he was cold my day and days to follow were a disaster. If I focus on important matters in my life than I would actually have good things to look forward to. Instead I was hoping for the hopeless. DUH obviously I will be disappointed. I am trying so hard to train my thinking pattern. I need to tell myself that I have so much richness in my life (which I do) and I am a person worthy of many great things. This A does not define me. This A was a bad choice. I am trying to come to terms with it and that is the difficult part. Oddly enough I feel relief that I dont have him in my life. I can feel the difference. He was masking the things in my life I did not want to deal with. I didnt realize it until now that there are many issues within that I need to deal with. I need to look to myself for answers not to others. Funny thing is I want him to fish... why??? It will validate that "HA" you still think about me, you still want me etc. But I need to think of me and want me. That should be enough. The rest will follow.

I am really trying my hardest to keep this focus on a straight path. I am tired of watching everyone else living. I want to jump back into life. I also realized that I was living like this for 3 yeas going on 4 years. Only I didnt see it then. I thought I was getting what I wanted. You know what they say; sometimes when you dont get what you want; consider it a blessing! I feel I have no one to blame for what has gone on in my life but me. My XAP will be there as long as I play by the rules. I dont want to live like that!

So please ladies I know the pain that you are feeling.. I do. Last night I was lying in bed and all I could do was cry but I think this time it was for me and the emptiness I have created. I know it isnt him casue I cried the same tear even while I was involved. With every negative thought throw in a positive. Its tough but it must be done. Be a friend to yourself! You need it! I need it! We also have this board to help us along the way. If we want it bad enough then I see no reason for us to fail. And if we do keep trying. We cannot give up on ourselves. If I am not good to myself than how can I be a good friend, daughter, sister, lover etc. I am working on it! I am working on me now. Gave XAP too much. No more! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

E1 thank you for your questions asked. I have done nothing but think think think. About ME though! Yes he pops in all the time but I go back to me again.

And Jane.. love your post..To let go is to Love! That is exactly why I am doing this and thank you for posting that!

BE STRONG! Dont give up on yourself! EVER!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 2:24pm

It is very sad what we do when caught in the fog of an A; we neglect ourselves, those we love, the things that are truly important to us all for someone we can't have, for something that isn't even real and isn't even based on truth.


I've beat myself up too over this many times the past few days (I say past few days because as I go through NC I am able to see more and more how devestating this whole thing is to myself and the effects it even has on my family; my life for the fact I put my life on the back burner. It angers me so much the more I realize what I've done, what I've allowed to happen. But we can not change what has already been done; what we can do is learn from our mistakes and keep going, forgive ourselves then ask God to forgive us and be a better woman; mom, sister, spouse, daughter and friend.


Also, we are all here for a purpose, look at the help we give one another, the strength we draw from one another and the life lessons we have learned. We need to stop beating ourselves up and be thankful for all we do have and for taking the appropriate steps to get out of A land.


Lottsa love to you all.