All good things must come to an end.....
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| Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:51pm |
I have felt it all in such a short amount of time. Love , betrayal, forgiveness, desperation, insanity....what a cocktail of emotions. All because of one man...all because of an A.
I have yet to put it behind me. It was such a major climactic point in my life, and I have yet to sort it all out. Maybe I never will. Life goes on but I still am effected. In some ways good (more self- esteem, more street smarts, more self-awareness) and in some ways bad (I am cynical, distrustful, at times anxious).
My heart goes out to anyone that felt the way I did during the worst of it. That is why I still come here. To share, to love, to listen. If my experience can help just one person then I can walk away from this all the better for it. However, I recently had my experience thrown back in my face negatively in a post below. It is very hurtful to me to have someone tell me I have no right to talk about self esteem. My self esteem is something I struggled to gain back...I fought for it and pulled myself out of the gutter by my acrylic nails.....I prayed to God to give me some strength so I could get through the day and the simplest of chores.....
Well here I am. A svelte size 6 from working out every day and taking care of me. New friends, happy children and I laugh alot more. XOM cries over me every day, as he should. I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I loved him more than anyone else ever has. I supported him, encouraged him and spent my focus and energy on him and his problems, his drinking problem being one of them. He screwed up and he knows it. But it doesn't matter. How he feels about what he has done and how he has hurt me is now HIS problem. I don't care where he lives, who he is with or if he wakes up tomorrow in rehab. Ladies, trust me...when you no longer care it is liberating. My life is about me now. Am I selfish? HELL NO. I give, but to my children and to those more deserving of my love and energy. My family, my friends, the food pantry. So BaitandSwitch, I suggest you guess again about making a comment about my self esteem. I have more self esteem than any woman can handle right now. No man or white trash bit## is going to hurt me again. I will get what I deserve out of life, and if I don't then atleast I now know my worth and what I dserve even if I do not get it. You do not know me or my life well enough to make a comment about me. I know nothing about you, I have never seen you post before, but obviously you have been following my story. I wish my epxerience could have been of some help or support to you.
I think part of the healing process is letting go of the crutches. This board was one of them. I love you all dearly and I will pray for you and anyone that finds themselves in an A. It is a complex and gut wrenching situation. Noone comes out a winner. Atleast that is how it seems to appear judging from everyone's pain here.
So goodbye good friends...stay well. I feel really good about walking away from this board. It is time to move on. There is life after an A. What we make of it is up to each one of us. We hold the power to make our life what it should be. I'm not going to my grave having had spent my years crying and having a pity party over a man not worth his weight in crap.
HUGS and Goodbye. I won't be coming back to read responses, but you can leave them for others to see. The best goodbye gift y'all can give me is to leave some warm words of support and encouragement to those hurting right now. Use this thread for that! Thank YOU!

Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
You have done great service to the people that come here, showing that there is a better life waiting for them that have the courage to reach for it.
GOOD LUCK
F
I ended my affair over a year ago and I read your early posts -- you are a different person now that you were then. I recall it was very hard for you and look at you now! I don't know who that poster was, but it's not a name I've seen very often & I still pop in once a month or so to provide encouragement to people trying to get free.
I think it's valuable for people to read our experiences to see that there is a way out & that life is pretty good on the other side. No one's ever snapped off at me, but it'd hurt my feelings too! Hey, we're just trying to share our struggles and then our achievements. It encouraged me in the early days to read about people on the other side of it!
working out saved me too! I highly recommend it to anyone who's trying to break free. Working out really boosts your self-esteem on so many levels -- physically you just FEEL better and then you start to look better too. You feel strong & like you do anything. You start getting compliments and that just helps too!
Try not to take some anonymous person's remark so seriously. Scrolling down, I don't see that posting name anywhere else.
Jazzdiva
Big hugs!! I'm sorry that someone attacked you the way she did---just a sign of one's unhappiness with themselves and with life. I have always found your postings to be insightful and helpful. You have come a tremendous way! I understand your putting this behind you and moving on.....follow your path--you are on a much better path. I'm trying hard to follow in your footsteps.
Please check on the board from time to time....and let us all know how you are doing. Its important for those of us in the early and middle stages to hear the encouragement!
Namaste
dharma