All-inclusive Thurs. am dribble.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
All-inclusive Thurs. am dribble.....
3
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 9:19am
Morning ladies~

There were so many posts I wanted to respond to, but due to the slow modem computer, I'm responding in one post (and to save some time....I have to cut the lawn before it storms today!)

**Mo, Clarice, Dipss: I say we plan a road trip, buy a few cartons of smokes, and drive from coffee shop to coffee shop (sorry NO starbucks...I'm ANTI huge chain coffee shops...LOL) across country. Clarice, your job is to keep a written on the road journal (kind of like On the Road by Jack Kerouac); Mo, your job is to finagle our way out of any legal trouble we get ourselves into (Thelma and Louise x4, but, uh, without a murder and driving off a cliff); dipss: you and me--are roles are yet undefined....I'm thinking I'll bring some Eastern philosophy stuff and we'll meditate in the funkiest places....what do you all think? Anyone else care to join? LOL.

**Mo: Jack Wagner, Jon BonJovi, Kevin Bacon rolled into one man? Wow...break out the pantyliners for THAT visual image. Dang, I must have done something wrong with my chosen exMM--low self esteem??? But just because he is eye-candy does not mean he is brain candy....really, you are MUCH too intelligent for that, you would get SO bored that after a year, you would find William F. Buckley to be the hottest man alive because of intellectual stimulation. Remember the drunken rambling phone calls at 2 am....don't go back there!! And, as for that "jump for freakin joy" feeling for a moment...I know ALL about that, too. I had to laugh because I would react the SAME way...and every morning I look for that email...but every day its NOT there.

And, NO, God is NOT messing with you (besides, I'm God's little playtoy....LMAO). Some other time I will tell you the story about when I was working as an Investigator conducting background investigations on Federal employees---and I discovered this military woman having an affair...and interviewing her ex-husband, the lover, HIS wife (her former best friend) and eventually her. This was in the midst of my "affair" and I really thought it was a kismet moment; and I think that THAT was a message to me. But on the reverse of that.....when I asked God for a sign about a month ago, to try to decide whether or not to divorce my husband, and the next day I read in the paper that my lawyers office BURNED DOWN...I thought--hmmmm, sign or coincidence????? (it gave me reason to pause for a bit). Maybe God was trying to tell you something, maybe it meant absolutely NOTHING---in any case, that was yesterday, and yesterday is in the past that you cannot change or alter, so let it go for now.

Metaphysics? Funny, I'm doing a lot of reading on metaphysics too!

**Clarice: omigod, you had me spit water!! When I read how you mark the emails as "unread" to get that rush....I laughed my butt off, not AT you, because I thought "what a GREAT idea". LMAO. Like you, I read the boards, go out for a smoke, come back in and check it. I'm trying HARD not to come here and I'm slowly stepping back into my life, REAL life, not fantasy driven---but I think of checking here obsessively. LOL (and I allow myself to obsess here too!!) We should try to meet up somewhere, but alas, I don't dance, unless really hammered...and I don't want to trigger Mo. But I'll dig out my Ratt, Cinderella tapes for the heck of it. Think I'll even dust off "Tragedy" album by the Bee Gees, just so we can wallow for a while! Pretending to be happy is so hard to do...I know, btdt.

**dipps...I quit too during all 4 pregnancies and months/year of breastfeeding, and the minute I stopped, I went RIGHT BACK TO IT. Like, I didn't have a problem during that time, but the minute it stopped, the cravings started.

**I'd laugh my BUTT off if any of you lived down the street from me!!!

**Saturday is MY graduation...I get "hooded" for my Masters Degree. I'm so excited plus I never went through my Bachelors graduation!! But, its a bit bittersweet because the last couple of years, exMM has helped me so much (being so emotionally supportive) and out of everyone attending, I feel that HE should be there. I even got him an invitation and a ticket...but its sitting right here and its too late to send. So in my mind, he'll be there in a mental sense. I'm also tempted to email him and let him know...but I just can't---I have to keep telling myself that there is NO purpose to doing so but to extend this process out, which I don't want to do.

I've also had creeping thoughts of emailing him and telling him all the things I never did---not to get him back (because that would NOT happen) but to let him know. But I keep thinking, well, then what IS the point of telling him??? I don't know. Struggling today, though. Honestly, I still think I maintain the fantasy that we were meant to be and I need to let that go....but its so hard when for years I had, in my mind, developed a "fantasy guy" with a certain criteria...and he met them ALL (well, minus the looks). And it just seems kind of cruel fate that I would meet him, when we were both so unavailable to each other. Early on he told me I was the "right person at the wrong time" and I've never forgotten that.

But now looking back, I find that he most likely came into my life as a teacher of sorts, but the lesson is so hard and painful. I just think he needed to come in and rip some scabs off some old wounds so that I could now address them, which I am doing now. But I keep wondering when that feeling of fate will pass.......

**I still can't decide when or what to do about my marriage.....I have my lawyer on retainer, paperwork done, but not officially filed. My h begs for another chance, but we've been doing this two-step dance for 15 years and I don't believe it will ever change...but yet, I can't see to get that push to go. It will NEVER be a loving marriage, due to his treatment of me, esp. over the past couple of years. I am owning MY responsibility in the breakdown, and how I allowed the control to continue (when in reality I had the power to stop it all along)...but I find the more I work on myself, the more detached I become from h.

**I'm starting my new job on June 14th, and I'm really stressed about going back to work full time...and being a mommy...and still healing a broken heart....and deciphering marriage and divorce. Can I really do this without having a breakdown???

alright, the desire to email exMM is gone....gotta mow the grass, vacuum, and do a ton of laundry! check on you ladies later!

So Happy Its Thursday.

dharma




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 9:56am
dharma: when do we leave? i'm ready to go! i absolutely loved your post. i laughed and laughed. it is so unbelievable that we are all in the same place--healing a broken heart, wondering about what to do with marriage. i have gotten about 15 referrals for an attorney this year. the last one i got a week or so so ago and i think it's a good one. the number just sits on my desk and i stare at it.

you might have read i got caller id yesterday--to make sure i don't answer xMM calls (and sadly, to monitor if he has called, just being honest). No calls. Oh well. No emails. Oh well.

Today, when xMM thoughts come in my head, i am saying to myself: you don't deserve my time or my thoughts--and i am pushing the thoughts away. i've never been a big thought pusher-away, as i grew up in a crazy household where i was the one that CONFRONTED everything while everyone else was in denial. so i always think you have to think and ponder every thought that comes in your head--and that may have been true as a kid, for me, but it doesn't have to be now.

congrats on your master's. i got mine in 1999. that kept me busy for a while and distracted from my marriage. it's a great feeling. make sure to take your photo in cap and gown or hood or whatever with your kids. that will be a meaningful picture for you in the years to come. it took me 5 years to get my degree as i had a toddler and then another baby at the time. thinking this makes me start to cry--becuase life, was, well, just so much simplier then.

Gotta go.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:24pm
Let's go girls!!!! How much legal trouble do you think we could honestly get in that we'd need me to finagle our way out of it??? LOL. Given what we've shared on this board, I'll bet collectively we could really raise some h#ll!!!! I don't drink StarBucks either; it tastes like cigarette ashes to me. I do, however, love DD and Paneras (both coffee chains) but I'll take a little cafe with a smoking section anyday.

OK, I'll give it up first - I live very close to NYC. Anyone else?????

Dharma, big congrats on your graduation. I echo Clarice's post; I remember when I graduated from law school, before my kids were born, and I thought I was on top of the world, running the show, etc. I never imagined in a million, trillion years I'd wind up an addict/alcoholic with a deceased child and another very handicapped child and a broken marriage. Life is really funny sometimes, huh? NOT.

I'm laughing at the pantyliners comment. Yes, he's absolutely gorgeous with a body to match and many, many of my friends have confided that in me. One of the women who works on my committee (I run a Foundation for my sons' disease) had a brief conversation with him at my most recent fundraiser, after which she gave me her opinion that he probably wasn't THE ONE for me because he was rather "shallow," but she did admit she could see (this is an exact quote) that "he served a certain purpose." LOL. Yes, he served that purpose REAL nicely and I'd better stop talking about that because I've got a new client coming in in a few minutes and I'm getting all hot and bothered now...

Have a wonderful, wonderful day tomorrow Dharma. I understand that its bittersweet because OMM won't be there, but take some time to really feel good about this accomplishment. My thoughts will be with you. And please don't bail on this board!!!!!! I would miss you too much. Have a wonderful weekend and BIG CONGATS!!! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:02am
Dharm,


Asked God if I should get divorced, the next day I read in the paper that my Lawyers office burned down....Next time let God know that you do have voice mail. Poor Lawyer, everyone knows that insurance does not pay on claims that are considered acts of God!

Maybe the Lawyer tried to sue God, why not I am thinking about it and I have a good case. It would probably be clash action. The suit would be based upon the claim that God was fully aware of and with intenct ignored the design flaws when he created not only me, but all men. I ask you how many times have you seen the male brain just go into automatic shut down mode when breast suddenly appear, and yet the Big GUY tries to correct this flaw by giving us a download patch that when this event does occur a relay switch is activated and all cognitive process are then controlled by a single member of the male anatomy that considers itself to be omnipotent! Yeah....that fixed the problem. How hard would it have been to make it detachable, I mean if Black & Decker can do it then it should be a piece of cake for the one whose license plate reads Creator of All Things .

If you the wife or girlfriend must leave your significant other for a short weekend visit to parents, sister, who ever then you just tell them "Honey, I getting ready to go and I am taken your manhood with me" of course we will protest ask why and you just reply, Honey, we have talked about this before and you know that it makes you stupid when you attach it. We will start to say something then just nod in agreement with a very sad expression. I can visualize a frantic male desperately going thru his pants pockets, briefcase, workout bag, or where ever he might have left it during the middle of a cold winter night as the little woman waits with less and less interest. To his horror he realizes that he left it in the car. As you can guess the next image is the man starring at the Microwave and asking himself if two minutes on High might possibly warm it up too much? DESIGN FLAW? My response "IS WATER WET".

Ladies, I apologize if anyone finds this offensive, its late and I am just back from making a house call in the middle of the night. New parents, baby as not had time to train them...I just sat in the rocker holding the little guy and giving him his bottle and telling Mom and Dad that everything is ok, just relax, just let that child feel secure that is the number one thing. Their young, but they will do great. I will drive by in the AM just to make sure they are doing ok.