All mixed up..angry, sad, confused..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
All mixed up..angry, sad, confused..
3
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:37am
Hi..I'm kinda new here. To make a long story short (I hope!)...It's been almost 2 years since we first met. It started off so nice, dinners, kisses, him calling me to tell me how much he liked me. He lived an hour away and he drove here as I had just had surgery which prevented me from driving. It just seemed like we clicked, loved being together, didn't matter what we were doing. We had become sexual and it was wonderful. Then, I found out he was married. Things just weren't adding up and when I was finally able to drive he started backing off, becoming distant, not calling, didn't want me coming down his way. I did some research and yes, he had a wife. I confronted him and ended things. I was upset, hurt, angry, the whole array of emotions. I felt so duped. He had put a message in his profile saying "to the woman I hurt, it's how you think it is". A few days after that he deleted his profile and disappeared. Two months later, April, 2003, he contacted me. He said he felt horrible about what had happened. He and his wife were married in Oct of 2002, she had left the country (to go to her home country) in Oct. of 2003. He didn't think she was coming back. Said when he met me he never thought anything would come of it. Figured it would just be a nice dinner out and that would be it. Said he never thought he would develop feelings for me, and when he did he didnt know how to

come clean, which is why he started backing away (which is what caused me to do some checking up..I knew something wasnt right). He said he was developing feelings for me, he thought his marriage was over, then his wife started calling and was talking about coming back home. Said he felt obligated to give it another shot, that he felt like a failure as he had only been married a little over a year, said he felt like a father to her children. (a little note, ,,,she had been married 3 times previous to him and he had married her after knowing her for only 4 months).

Fast forward to about three weeks ago. Out of the blue he contacted me. He was finally able to get my screen name from a girlfriend and he contacted me. Yes, I talked to him. At first it was just "how have things been" kind of chat. He is still married, things are not going well, he is not happy, said it would probably last another few weeks. He said he has never stopped thinking about me, that he had been trying to find me online for months before this (he must have lost my phone number..lol). We start talking on a daily basis. He begins getting flirty with me, but also talking about how unhappy he is, telling me things she is doing, that he never expected marriage to be like this. That is definately wasn't going to last and that he was not hanging in there. Starts telling me he misses me, thought about me all the time, had feelings for me, that he wants to see me.

When I talk about something going on here at my home he tells me he will help me with it. We get into a deep conversation about what had happened two years ago and he keeps telling me how sorry he was, that he didn't mean to hurt me, that he cared so much for me.That I was one of the sweetest people he had ever met, that he had more fun with me in the short time we saw each other than what he has had in his marriage, that we clicked. My feelings, I believed what he was saying to me. I believed him when he had called me two months after I had found out that he lied. There was always a part of me that had felt it was such a waste, two people who really clicked (and I don't click in that way with alot of men). I had always wondered, in the back of my mind, but I left things alone and moved on. I left him alone to find happiness in his marriage.

Last week I had allowed him to come over. We drank coffee and talked for hours and hours. Then we got sexual. He said he would call me that night but he never did,,,couldn't take 2 minutes to dial the phone. We talked online the next day, nothing serious, he had things to do and said we would talk later. I began getting all confused about things.

Last Tuesday I told him how I felt about what happened. He said he was confused, that he and his wife hadn't talked since the Friday before (from what he says they go days and sometimes weeks without speaking to each other). We got into some deeper conversation and he told me that if he gets divorced he is going to need time to heal so he is fair to "whoever" he ends up with. Ok,,,honestly,,I was a little upset, but I can relate to that. The conversation ended,,yes he knew i was upset, but I was going to leave it at that. Last Thursday he tried calling me, I missed his call. When i sign online he contacts me. We talk a little bit, he tells me that he went to the courthouse and got the papers for a do it yourself divorce, that he can't take it anymore. I suggest that if he is that broken up about things that he should try counseling with his wife. He feels bad that the marriage ended up like this. Says it's all just so sad. I start pushing a little more about where i fit in his life (I feel i have the right to do that). He starts becoming distant, says he doesnt want to lead anyone on, that he doesnt know what will happen. Then the conversation just sort of fizzled. He said he had to go to bed and he would talk to me "tomorrow". The next morning I sent him an email...I expressed how I felt. I was not mean or viscous but I did tell him that I felt that he did lead me on, that he made me think he was interested again, that he told me he missed me and thought about me all the time, that someone doesn't seek someone out, that they hurt, almost two years later just to see how they are, that is was him that started to express the interest, telling me how sad it was the way things happened with us. I told him I just seem to be upsetting him with my questions and I didn't want to do that. That I knew I had made him angry the night before with all my pushing,,and that I didnt want to do that. That if he didnt want to speak with me again, so be it, I will deal with it. I sent him that email last Friday and guess what,,I haven't heard one thing from him. Not one word, not one response to my email.

I just don't understand what kind of person can be so cold to come back into someone's life, someone who cared about them, someone they knew they had hurt before, only to do the same exact thing again? And why did I fall for it? I've gone through the whole array of emotions with this. On one hand I'm glad things didn't progress further and on the other hand I'm so angry and hurt with him for doing this. I just need to vent,,,sorry it's so long.

P.S. Some of the lies he told me when we first met were of course, that he wasnt married, said he had a car he didn't have, that he also had another home in Florida, made up a story about his exgf's brother dying in an auto accident (when he was trying to back off from me). I almost feel like I'm dealing with a Scott Peterson type of personality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:17am
kindheart -

I'm sorry that he put you through this but my advice would be to cut your losses

and get rid of this guy right now.

Go NO CONTACT from now on.

Yes, it will sting but you need to move on. He sounds like a loser. You know he's lied to you several times already, and he has definitely hurt you. Don't you want more for yourself? I think you do. Get rid of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:34am
Kind

He sounds like a genuine nut case, I think you need to do everything you have to so that you don't have any future dealings with him he sounds very UNSTABLE.

RUN AWAY GIRL.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:39pm
This guy sounds like a player. Players only love you when they're playing.