To all the newbies.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
To all the newbies.....
7
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:05pm

Hi ladies (and any lurking guys)


We have a few new posters, and I just felt like I needed to post something to share what I have learned from my experience. If I can help anyone end their A, and get out of this pit of pain, then that is the least I can do for everyone here at the board who has been so patient and kind to me.


My A was with a family friend. Our spouses were friends, and the four of us spent alot of time together. Several months into it, my exap continued to play games- push and pull me. He would say he wanted me to stop texting him, but then he wold reel me back in later. It was torture. So, to all you new posters, I KNOW the pain that you feel. All of us on the board know that pain.


What I want to share with you is this: I struggled for months and months to finally end my A. I broke NC so many times that I eventually stopped posting on this board out of my shame. Every time I said I would end it, I always went back. I was the fisher, I was the one trying to get him to come back.


In the end, I wasn't strong enough to end it on my own. Last week I had a dday out of my own choosing. I confessed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I had to in order to get out of this mess I had created. The hurt I have caused my H is unexcusable, and it is worse than I ever imagined.


So, if there's any advice I can offer, it's this: END IT NOW. End it now, while you still can. Before you, too, have a dday and hurt the one who loves you the most. End it before your self-esteem is crushed and you begin to hate who you are. The pain you feel from your A is nothing compared to the pain your significant other will feel once they find out.


Stay here, and post and keep on posting. Even if you mess up, stay and post. The ladies here are amazing, and we will be here to help you every step of the way.


I am finally out of my A for good and rededicated to God and my marriage (only 4 days NC because of dday on both our ends) - but the weight off my shoulders feels amazing.


If you are struggling to end it, please please learn from my mistakes. Don't wait until it's too late. You can do it, and we are here to help.


With love,


HazelRose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 3:03pm

Welcome Back HazelRose!

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 5:10pm
Thank you new_season! That means alot to me :)
Hazel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 6:57pm

Hazel,

So great to hear you so committed to ending it. I don't think anyone here will ever stop believing in a fellow EASer. We all know what it's like, and that it most often does take practice to leave a relationship ... I also think having the self-awareness to know that you needed your H's knowing to hold you accountable, says a lot about your personal insight. I also needed my H to know. I knew without him knowing, I would have continued much much longer.

You are amazing and so brave. I hope that you get whatever it is you are working toward.

My best,
TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 10:37pm

Hi Hazel

Thank you sooooo much for this post and sharing with us. I too (hate to admit) was the fisher most of the time. I also did the push and pulling. It is so hard to let go of this... you would think that it would be a breeze considering the pain we feel even while in the A. Yet I broke NC a million times.. lost count really. Dont feel the shame.. it is not a sign of weakness it is a learning experience. I think anyway.. I dont know if this is true for you but dont you feel each time you break NC it makes you so sick that you feel like screaming "ENOUGH" I think that is a good thing in an odd sort of way. You know deep down that you are worth something ...but on a superficial level we like to ignore this. Listen to your what your inner self is telling you. There is a reason you are attempting NC each time even though you broke it.

I have decided once in for all to end the insanity before I completely lose myself. Mind you I already feel like a shell of a person. Really can you really see you spending the rest of your days in this limbo. I cant..

Never Never feel shame... you are learning with each mistake made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 1:43pm

TU- thanks :) I am so thankful for all the second chances I've been given, even here at EAS. :)

LiveLaughLove- it's hard not to feel shameful. I know that this whole mess is a learning experience, and I really trying to take from it the life lessons that I can. Thank you for reminding me of that :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 10:06pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 10:13pm

Dear Hazel,


Thank you for your post.