For all the single women on here......

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
For all the single women on here......
9
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 7:55pm
who have forgotten what they are missing..... I ended for good recently a 4 yr affair with a MM. During the 4 years I had dated other men but never was really into the date, just there for the realism of going OUT for dinner, seeing a movie in a theatre and not on the DVD player etc. I never allowed myself to become involved because I loved the MM. Well as we all find on here eventually the affair loses its appeal when you start to realize that you are losing yourself and gaining nothing other than more misery. I went out on a date this past weekend with the most amazing SINGLE man. He was attractive, smart, charming. We had dinner in a fabulous restaurant followed by drinks, we talked all night long. I had the most amazing time. It really sunk into my head today that all the lies we tell ourselves when we are in the depths of the affair, that we will never meet anyone like him, no one else could be as smart, charming etc, etc, are so much easier to believe if we never look for someone that is actually available to us. Remember when you are struggling with the devastation of losing your MM, that he was never yours to begin with. If you end things and he doesn't leave he was never going to . When you break it off with him it leaves you free to pursue what you really need a man that is 100% yours all the time. Not someone that sees you when he can formulate a cover. Not someone that will keep you a secret as long as is feasible and then deny your existence when exposed. Someone like the man that I have found, that not only is attentive when in your presence, but calls and talks for hours, brags to his friends and family about you, and cant wait to see you again, as soon as you can, not as soon as he can slink out. Be brave. It's worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 6:37am

<>>


Kelly,


Thanks for your post. I hope it gives inspiration to other single ladies because you are "On the money" with your words. Affairs are dead-end relationships that go nowhere. 4 months or 4 years, they will still amount to zero gained and everything to lose.


Real relationships are born in a "real" environment; not on computer monitors, in locked offices, in motel rooms, or whatever little secret hideaway is available for those stolen moments.


Good luck to you,


Sunny

Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 6:45am

Kellyone:
Thank you so much for posting that truly honest and hopeful post. As a single woman, I sometimes find that I cannot relate to some of the posts because there of the emphasis on the MW and their H's. (I understand folks I do and feel for you as well).

When you are a single woman there are different dynamics. When you are a single 39 yr old woman without kids there are even more dynamics (LOL ::sigh).

Thanks for something I can relate to a little bit and find hope in =). I am soooooooooo happy for YOU!!!!!!!!!
In the meantime, I am trying to improve myself so that I give MYSELF a chance at something really good and healthy for me. (Cant quit the smoking just yet but Ive lost over 45lbs and more to go but I look forward to not being someone that someone else can assume to target or use or break down). I always resented that and I am trying to not fit a square peg in a round hole anymore. I read a bumper sticker once that struck me : "Be the right person to meet the right person". I shouldve taken initiative when I read it instead of trying to "make" my life work "my" way. Wouldve saved me a lot of pain in the long run.
:::::::::::Hugs::::::::::
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:57pm

Dear Kelly:

I am single too since I got a D last year thinking I would end up with xMM but he backed out.

I am experiencing the same thing as you. And believe me, I thought I could never find anyone or want to be with anyone because I loved xMM so much and thought we were perfect for each other. I went through a horrible long greiving process that is now almost complete.

I went on my 4th date last night with NG (new guy) and he is so good and kind to me and gives me so much of his time and attention not hiding and sneaking around but in the light of day. I can see him and talk to him anytime and we don't have to sneak around. He says some of the same things that xMM said to me like 'you are beautiful on the inside and outside. You have beautiful eyes. You make me feel comfortable'

I am taking it very slow and have not even let him kiss me yet. But we do hug each other and he hugs better than xH or xMM. He holds me for so long, and since xMM left me 15 months ago I haven't been touched and it feels so good. I want to get to know NG as a friend before anything physical.

There are sweet, kind, decent men out there!!! And the best thing of all about NG is he is SO POSITIVE. With xMM he was always so negative--worried about our kids getting along, worried about getting a divorce, losing his money, whether I would always love him, negative, negative, negative LOVED ME but.....too many hurdles in xMM's mind. NG just got a D and has 3 kids (I have 4) and he is not negative he is POSITIVE about everything, everyday!!! I want to be more like him.

When I hear xMM on vm (just got 3 messages last week) he sounds so miserable and sad and I don't want to go back to that land of misery with him because he won't make a committment to either me or his W!! At least I could make a decision---I committed to him. BUT I LOST. So--now I have made another decision and that is to LET HIM GO and find happiness for myself without him.

Thanks for the positive message Kelly--I am with you!!

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:11pm

hi kelly

i've been reading your posts. it sounds alot like my situation too. a week ago you told your MM to leave and you already are dating a new man. i don't know if i could do that. what i am trying to understand is how can you just stop loving your MM. will it be the same way for me? every time i talk to other men i feel like i am being unfaithful. i know he is being unfaithful when he is with me but it still doesn't make it right for me to.

i have read alot of posts that talk about mourning and withdrawl. i hope you are able to balance your new life with losing your old one. like i said, i don't know if i can. as awful as this is i love my MM more than anyone i ever met.

debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:22pm

Dear Debbi:

I didn't date for over a yr because I did need to grieve and I couldn't even imagine it I was so in love. But the good news is that I never thought it would happen but it did--I feel better--I like being with another man who actually is SINGLE and AVAILABLE and treats me with RESPECT. I don't expect you to be able to date now--but if you take the time to let the A go one day you will be ready to date again and you will find something wonderful out there.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 6:34pm
Debbi... I know what you are talking about regarding the need to grieve. I guess that the last year that I was in the affair was all about grieving for me. The MM had made me promises at that point that he hadnt kept and could verbalize no plan for ever keeping them. I drifted away emotionally and when I finally made the break it was kind of a finale for me, not so much climactic as just something that needed to happen. All I felt was relief. That and some pride in myself, that I hadn't felt for a long time. The date that I went on was unexpected. I wasn't looking to become involved in another relationship right away, not so much over the poor outcome of the last as a sense of taking the time for myself. I'm not rushing into anything and I'm dealing with the potential that if this does become something serious that I should probably reveal the fact that I did have an affair at some point for pure honesty sake. Right now, I'm just enjoying....... no make that revelling in the attention of a man that can call me anytime day or night, can let his friends know who's on the other end of the phone, and like tonight can call and tell me how much he wants to see me and actually come over not make me miserable by the fact that he can't come up with an excuse to slip out. Everyone has their own speed at which they get over the affair. What I posted for was to show that it does happen. And the benefit to yourself far outweighs the moments of bliss that you have in the affair. We all loved our XMM or we wouldnt have tolerated the bull. It's important I think to realize the state of mind that you were in when you began the affair to ensure you don't do it again. I know that I did a lot of soul searching about my reasons, and I wont make the same mistake again. Be clear its not easy for me either. I still get emails and voice mails from him. But its getting easier and easier to ignore them and recognize his misery as what it is.... recognition that the believability of his lies have expired.. much like sour milk. Give yourself the time to grieve but don't forget to get your life back and get on with it. Life is too short to wallow for someone that doesn't want a full relationship with you. Hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 1:25pm

Kelly

thank you for your kind thoughts. you took a lot of time to answer and i really appreciate it. i guess i know in my heart that you are right. i just love my MM so damned much that i am still willing to tolerate this. i don't feel like i've lost myself in it, but i know that i will eventually. it sounds like you are already recovered! i don't think i could be "with" another man so quickly. i read threw your reply and i kept thinking if you were me. would i let him come over? would i be thinking about my MM the whole time? i hope you had a nice night with your new man. i've started reading back threw a lot of these posts. there are sure a lot of us, huh?

Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 5:18am
Yes unfortunately there sure are a lot of us. I think that we can take comfort in that knowing that we are not alone at least here. We can share our experiences, get advice, and see that we are not the only ones in this situation. There is a way out for all of us that are looking, we just have to find the right way for ourselves. We're all strong somewhere deep inside, once you find that strength you can move on to a healthy relationship. Kel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 7:45pm

I feel the same way. I hope that I will be as lucky as Kelly and others who, looking back, realize that they are better off w/out their xMM but right now, I don't know. It sure doesn't feel like it.

Debbi, I totally relate to you. I'm having a hard time too thinking that I'll ever meet anyone that will make me feel the way I did with the MM and that I'll love as much.

Hopefully it'll happen for both of us. Let me know if you find it. Everytime (not that it's been too many) I go out with a new guy, I realize I miss the MM more.