All the small things
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| Fri, 02-19-2010 - 1:23pm |
Hello folks,
Yep, s'me again ;)
So, I was thinking about 'past stuff' and why I did what I did, and I think one of my issues is that I don't always take myself seriously enough, especially when I should. I don't congratulate myself near enough and I don't celebrate when I should. xAP and I were similar in a lot of ways, as in interests and so forth, so when I did something 'awesome' xAP would be very happy for me and I took that instead of being happy for myself. I'm a PhD student and I've had enough events where I really should be very proud of myself, but because I would just 'brush it off' like it was no big deal, I never took myself seriously. Also, because I felt a 'disconnect' between me and the work I did (as if it wasn't 'really me' who did that) I never took credit when I should have. Anyway, that really needs to change - I need to be happy/celebrate the things I do for myself and my own sake, I don't need it to come from elsewhere. Granted, it is nice and of course I like hearing from my family and friends that they are 'happy for me'. So, starting now I'm going to celebrate even the smallest of things...and I think we all should, especially those of us who are in the first moments, hours, days, weeks, months even - because in those times we need to and should celebrate the small steps forward we take. It's so easy to get bogged down in thinking 'this guy was a jerk, I should be way past this now!' and we beat ourselves up. Not cool! And I don't judge, because I'm right there. I do get caught up in thinking 'I was hurt, I should just move past this' - but, it's not so easy. Not at all.
So, for at this moment I'm celebrating or congratulating myself on 'the small things'. It's of dual benefit in that it helps get me through the day, also it helps me work on accepting the good things that I do and I'll eventually be able to 'work my way up' to accepting the bigger things, taking pride in my accomplishments rather than shrugging them off. So far today the cause for celebration is - not having cried in the past few hours (given yesterday, that's big for me!), I sent a bunch of emails to friends/students, etc. And, I focused on the emails, got them done and sent them. This is big for me in the sense that before I couldn't get through an email to anyone without checking if I had a new one from xAP. Crazy, I know. I would get this overwhelming urge to 'check' even though I know I had only checked 10min ago, and all I needed was another 10min more to finish the email I was working on! (this also counts for surfing as well, I would bounce back and forth between 'whatever' page and my email). And last one (for the moment anyway) I'm heading out to grab a coffee and work on some school stuff with a good girlfriend/colleague of mine. Part of me didn't want to go out because I'm hurting, and I just want to hide - but no, I can't do that. So, I'm kicking myself in the ass and getting out there because it will be good for me.
So, here I am tossing confetti about and blowing on those horrid party favor things for everyone here! Given how hard this can be sometimes, even the smallest of things like writing, reading, walking, blow-drying your hair, answering your phone...it can feel like doing the impossible, so they really do deserve to be celebrated!
((HUGS!))

Dee
You and your posts have been an inspiration to me and have really helped out. I'm glad that I could 'pay it forward' (...or is it play it forward? Maybe it's both :p) a bit and share/provide something that inspires and resonates with you!
(and of course, hopefully others as well!)
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Such a great post- and yet again, I so relate. Most of what I write, when I re-read, feels alien to me and I have moments of 'how did i write that?!' And each and every time I have the very unfounded feeling/concern that my work won't be good enough. I know that I struggle with some cognitive distortions around my capabilities and my accomplishments. My xAP was often times too the only one who could really relate to just how big my academic milestones were/are to reach.
I am celebrating the small today too, thanks to your post. I am trying to feel good about keeping our school related emails focused on what needs to get done and resisting the urge to slip in something more. I haven't cried today - that's a big one, and tomorrow I am starting back with my run group.
So - celebrating ourselves? I think that's a great suggestion. Sometimes we are so busy getting overwhelmed with how much more of the mountain there is to climb we fail to realize how far off the ground we have already traveled.
My best as another weekend begins,
J.
Beautiful and insightful post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the board.
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Let's have a NC party!!!
Good for you for celebrating the small stuff...it all adds up to one Great B I G!
I was soooo tempted to send a text last night. He had fished at work several times and it was so hard to ignore. I averted several times with short, curt answers and walked away. I know he wants me to still adore him, but also wants me to give him space to pursue this new girl. And what else does he want from me? To think he's still a great guy? To banter with at work just to make things easier on him? Whatever.
But still I wanted to text him last night. Just one attempt. Just to get a response. It was Friday night and I was so so very lonely. I miss him. And I know he was with his new GF last night. I miss him so very much. And he looked SO good yesterday at work. I couldn't even hardly look at him for fear he would see it in my eyes. Pine. Wallow.
I didn't do it! I stayed NC! Though, I admit, I did check my phone a dozen times to see if he called. I knew he wouldn't and (of course) he didn't. Sad, huh? I even check to see if he messaged me-which he can't because I blocked it. Habit.
Yea! This morning when I woke up I was SO GLAD I didn't cave and send a pathetic -I miss you- text last night.
Now, on to today and NC day11 party...
Thank you for sharing,
Misty
Thank you Jodi and Misty!
A big congrats to you both, since I understand you're both in LC work-type situations...which I think can make things so much harder! At the very least I know that that it is highly unlikely that I'd ever 'just run into' xAP, since we are LD. I think the hitch I needed to get over was that he didn't want NC, he didn't suggest it...so I knew/know that if I reached out, I would likely get a response...and that made/makes it more tempting. Hurray for you both not reaching out when it can be so tempting! Most times I have to remind myself 'what could he possibly say that would make me feel better? Really and truly better? Short of showing up with D papers in hand, nothing. And even -then- that is a whole other host of issues!'. Still, I hear you...it's so hard when the 'missing them' pangs come on strong...but, in time I imagine that they'll subside and be easier to deal with. Right now, at least where I'm at, it's more 'getting through the day', coping at the very least, and surviving. And, those alone are worth celebrating!
((hugs!))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Seriously though, that gave me just the boost I needed tonight! Hmmm, now I should pay/play (I never get it right...) and look for some inspiring posts to add in there, since I know the 'first edition' of that thread was and is gold to me. I have no idea how many times I've read it front to back.
((hugs for all)) New week, I hope it's a better one for everyone!
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Your post deserved to be in the HL, honey. As I said in your thread, it was beautiful and needs to in our archives. I am very proud of you and the efforts you are making.
Love,
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~