Is this all there is??
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| Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:34pm |
My marriage was probably wrong from the beginning....I got pregnant at 19, had my dd at 20 and was married 7 months later to my h....who is 7 years older than me. Right from the beginning it was controlling and NOT what I wanted at all, but I was young, dumb and had very little options. Here I am 15 years later, 4 dd's (16, 13, 6, 4), almost done with graduate school and married to a still controlling man....who is VERY traditionalist and very set in his ways. I've been unhappy since the beginning...and controlled from the beginning. Despite 4 attempts at marriage counseling and one attempt at Retrouvaille, I sadly realize....this is WHO my h is, he won't change and I, by no means, can make him change.
When I met exMM, I wasn't looking for anyone....but when I met him, he just blew me away. He was what I wanted in a relationship....very sensitive, caring, artistic, creative...blah, blah, blah. And even though we started as friends, I fell for him immediately, but never told him so. I maintained the facade of being friends, all the while of hoping for more. I eventually "wore him down"....lol...not saying he didn't want to go there, but he was always able to compartmentalize his feelings better. He always said he didn't want an affair and never had plans for leaving his wife. I think if I was more honest and upfront with my feelings from the beginning, he would have been LONG gone...but I played it off. It became so addicting, how he made me feel. We kept it up for about 2 years, on and off again, off when I became too intense, sometimes my choosing, sometimes his. Besides that whole feeling of "falling in love" is just that...a feeling....love IS work, LOTS OF WORK.
But now, I just wonder if my expectations of marriage are just unrealistic. I see so many people...here on the boards, in real life, who sustain marriages that really are more about comfort and avoiding change...and I'm beginning to think, maybe this is just how it really is and I have just failed to see it all along. Even exMM had a marriage, which wasn't great, but lacked passion, sex, and many common interests, willing to stick it out because a)his w was his friend b) with kids, mortgages, colleges, weddings, etc--it was just easier to stick out. I see many people doing this. The few people who seem to have relatively "happy" marriages are those without kids....is it kids that keep people together?
Yet, I know I will leave my marriage at some point...because the control is just too much but I also think....could I actually see myself dating or living with someone else? Could I do that to my kids? I see soooo many people trying to make the blended family work and yet there are so many problems, and torn divisions in doing so.
I just feel so jaded and bitter....like this is how life is and I failed to see all along. But I love my kids with all my heart and want to do best for them....that's my job...they never asked to be brought into the world that was MY choice. And its difficult to choose which direction to go in.....life as a single mommy? life as repressed housewife? continue the stress of the marriage? exchange the stress of the marriage for the stress of a single mom?
criminey....how come no one ever mentioned that life would be like this???
dharma

Be glad it was 2 yrs instead of 12. I thank you for posting back to me today. Means a lot. After I read your post here today, I felt a wave of sadness.
I am not sure about statistics, but I doubt that 6% is correct. I don't believe in the stats...I think we are totally capable of making a marriage, friendship, and any sort of relationship work if we have two willing people and it has nothing to do with the stats. I believe it has more to do about the two people than anything.
You know, once upon a time...I wanted to change my husband to meet my expectations, the expectations I learned from the affair. My husband is very traditional also, not so controlling though. He is also 6 years older than myself. I am thinking we must be close to the same age. I have had to ask myself over and over - why is it that I want to change someone else? I think initially, the affair gave me some choices, gave me some control, and gave me some power that I didn't have in my marriage, or so I thought. I am just finding this out after 12 years, so I am no expert by no means.
For me, marrying so young - at 17 yrs old, and no I didn't have to...I wanted too...once I reached around 28 years old, I started questioning myself, my marriage, my faith, my everything. That’s when XMM come into my life...just at the right moment. He totally swept me off my feet. His charm, his wit, his good looks, everything about him was wonderful. He was only the second person I had ever had sex with and it blew me away.
I spent five years with a psychiatrist trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why did I feel so guilty, why did I love a man that I could not have, why was I staying married, how long could I continue to lie, how long could I be in a relationship that was a secret??? Many, many questions. None of which the Dr. could answer, it was only I that had the answers but I could not see it at the time.
I took anti-depressants for years because I felt depressed, unhappy and above all I felt guilty. It was only after I went back to college and got a job, one that is rewarding and fun and I have people respect me and my opinions and listen to what I have to say, and I make decisions that affect hundreds of thousands of customers a day did I realize that I was totally capable of making myself happy without the influence of anyone. Three years ago, I donated one of my kidneys to my aunt whom I love very much. She is doing so well now and is so amazingly beautiful. I know now that I am capable to make a difference all by myself. It was never what my husband was not giving me; it was always what I wasn't giving myself.
Don't sell yourself or your marriage, or your husband short. Kids are what make this world go around, they never totally make a marriage work, not ever. And the people without kids will never know.
Dharma, you sound like you have a lot going for you, don't bail out before the rewards come in because they will and you will want those dearest to you near you to share what you have discovered.
Take care,
lillsilly
Lillsilly has such a thoughtful post for you. It is so great to have friends here who understand. I'm so sorry you are in pain. I was talking to my sister the other day. She, of course, knows nothing about my feelings for OM or my A. But she said some things that really made me think. She said she thinks people enter into affairs when they are most vulnerable, and if it was any other time in their life they probably wouldn't give it a second thought. I know that is true for me. I went 20+ years in my marriage completely faithful. But, I also never really rocked the boat. It's when I started wanted more for myself, as my kids got older, that my H started becoming so controlling. I started working out, losing weight, taking better care of myself. I had more time for me as the kids grew up. So I started getting attention from another guy and loved it. One thing led to another. NOW, my life is so messed up. I would have been better off where I was in the beginning. I made a promise to my H, we made plans for our future, which includes our kids and their families someday. Maybe it's the nice person inside of me that can't be the one to say, 'well, I've changed my mind now'. I could never do that. So, I need to make the best of my life. I probably can't change my H either, but it is not really that bad. He's not perfect, neither am I. I do intend to focus on other areas of my life that I have been wanting to change. I'm hoping to get fulfillment from that instead of ever wanting an A again. You have alot going for you. Perhaps you could do the same. You have a busy life with school, a H, and 4 kids. Your affair probably took you away from all of that for a while. But, maybe you are like me, and feel like you were better off before. I don't know. We keep adding more drama in our life. It sounds like you have tried very hard with your husband and I know the controlling issue is a bad one. My sister told me that perhaps someday I would want a trial separation to see how life would be without my H. She knows how he controls me. Would you want something like that? I hope some of the answers come to you and you can find peace, C
Thanks for your kind post. I just have so much on my plate right now that its hard to find my balance in all this....all while still missing exMM.
I think you hit it right when you said that affairs give us choices, control and power that we don't (or don't perceive to have) in our marriages. But coming from my perspective, the control is intolerable....to have lived 15 years in a marriage and NOT have a voice or any say in decision making takes its toll on an individual. Marriage is about give and take....not just take and take, in my case.
I'm still struggling and have to Wednesday to tell the lawyer which direction to go in. Its all so depressing.
Thanks again.
dharma
Thanks for your reply, too. My marriage died a long time ago, before the affair happened. In fact, I can pinpoint the day in July 2001 when my husband spit in my face during an argument--a huge wad of spit, too (I said he was acting like an a$$hole...apparently thought otherwise)....something in my head kind of snapped at that point and I said to myself "no more am I going to tolerate this from him". I've given up friends, careers paths, the life I wanted to lead in favor of what my h has wanted or rather forced upon me. He takes some of the most painful things from my past that I have shared with him to only throw it back at me during arguments or to keep me down.
At that time, I had made up my mind to focus more on school to get my Masters and eventually get a job to get out....I, unfortunately, met exMM about 1 month later and it threw me a curve ball, as well as took me WAY off track of my goals. At one point, I actually thought if I could have an affair with someone who treated me decently, I could sustain the control in the marriage and ride it out until the kids were older. It has only taught me, however, that there are some men who are very caring, sensitive and not controlling and that I deserve to be treated better...but its a very painful way to learn it.
While I've considered a separation, too, I know deep down I am out of my marriage. Too much water has passed under the bridge....besides, my h does not see his behavior as controlling. When one person is unwilling to change, there is no hope of change.
Thanks for your response.
dharma
Dharma, your posts show warmth, compassion, humor, and inner strength (though you aren't feeling that now, obviously). Your daughters are lucky to have a mother who can give them these gifts. Now give these gifts to yourself! You say you are hesitating about ending your marriage because "could I do that to my kids?" And (in a later post) that you know deep down your marriage is over. It sounds like you have tried your best to make this marriage work. If you truly believe deep down that it is over, please get out and give yourself the future you deserve. Big changes, yes, but you can create a better life for all of you. You are doing your dd's a favor by showing them that they have choices, too. We all do the dance we know, and if the "marriage dance" they see is about a controlling man and a downtrodden wife, that is probably the marriage they will find for themselves.
That said, only you can make the decision, but if you've already decided it's over, why wonder "when" to end it? Time's a wastin', dharmagurl, and your new life is waiting! One day you will look back and wonder why you waited so long. You sound like a wonderful woman, and I suspect there's a wonderful man out there waiting for you, when you're ready.
Whatever, whenever, you decide, you have my very best wishes and support. Thank you for sharing yourself here, you've helped me and many others.
Okay, the spitting made me cry. I don't know Dharma. I told my H last weekend that he is too controlling. He doesn't think he is either. I told him I had been talking to some people about it and they thought he was too. He got so mad and wanted to know who I had been talking to and that he would never talk to them again. I just started crying and said you just don't get it do you. His response was controlling. The hardness in his face, his mannerisms. He just doesn't see it. I have regrets about how my life went, putting off careers, where we lived, being isolated, all because it was what he wanted. He thinks I had a great life. How can we see things so differently? If your H is any bit like mine, or worse, I know the pain you are in. If you have already seen a lawyer, I think you have your answer. If I would make it all the way to an appointment with a lawyer, I would know that it is best for me. We have an inside voice that we ignore way too much. Thinking of you all day, C
Your post made me cry....thanks so much. All the nice things you said about me (and what my friends have been telling me for years) are all the things I no longer see about myself--partly because my h took it away and partly because I guess I gave it away. I'm just struggling to reclaim myself...hell, find myself for that matter.
This morning was another grueling morning in talking with my h, since he is home today. I plainly told him there is no hope because I cannot commit to this marriage anymore, I do not trust that any changes that he will make will be permanent but just to keep me and once he is safe and comfortable he will revert. You see, back in 1996, when we were in our 3rd attempt at marriage counseling, I told him I was done and out. He cried, begging and sobbed for me to stay and that changes would be made...and we both changed. At that time we were married about 7 years....I told him if he ever changed back that would be the end of it for good. FINALLY, the marriage was "good"...there was communication, intimacy (not just sex) a feeling of real respect in the marriage. Things were good for a year....then we moved back to our hometown (something I was VERY MUCH against and begged for alternatives...but he promised that it would be ok). Things slowly deteriorated to the point it is now. I *know* he's capable of change...because everyone is. I just think that any changes on his part would always leave me feeling with "when is it going to end...when is the control going to come back". One year, out of 15 does not make a marriage. THAT alone should be my motivation.....but I'm still here undecided and dreading the pain that my kids will go through.
I know that a couple of my friends who ended up divorcing always said in hindsight "why did I ever wait so long" and I do not doubt that perhaps that is what I will experience. Its just the pain of getting there that makes it so difficult.
Thanks so much for your words at this time though....it really helps.
And when you get a chance, post your story.
dharma
Again, thanks for your reply. I must say that this is the most grueling time in my life and I do not wish this upon anyone, not even my harshest enemies (well, maybe the trolls who occasionally post here or on the ma board.....lol).
In all my years of marriage, I've tried to do things that good for me....only to have h complain that I was self centered or selfish. I've tried to change myself to the way he's wanted, only for him not to be happy with the end product (and making myself depressed in the process because it was not ME). I asked him this morning why on earth he wanted to continue this marriage if I was all these things (selfish and self centered,etc)? Why can't he just accept that I am who I am...and that is not going to change--and that if I am selish and self centered that he should move on to find someone who is more compatible with him...I just can't do this anymore.
Yet, I can't find the strength to take the leap....I don't know what'll take...maybe there is a part of me that is looking for him to say 'fine, ok...lets do it'...but he's never going to get to that point. I've already seen the lawyer and put it off...now I have to tomorrow to decide. I'm decided on minute and undecided the next. It doesn't help that I don't have a job and its causing me stress (though, I do have a job interview this afternoon...so I'll have to re-apply my makeup since I've cried it all off :-(
As for your situation, cowboy...I recommend going to the Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse board (you'll see me there, too...). Domestic abuse is NOT just physical stuff. In fact, many abusive men never have to raise their fists to a woman if they can psychologically beat her down. In fact, that is a PRECURSOR to physical abuse....but not necessarily one that leads to abuse. I have said for many, many years that I wish he would just hit me....people see bruises and understand and say "THAT is abuse"....however, its all the mental and emotional scars that people never see and you cannot explain that are much more damaging. I would also recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of controlling, angry men" or "The Verbally Abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. Both of these books are eye opening. My h, like yours, also thinks I have a great life...despite me telling him otherwise. Maybe I do and don't realize it...but then again, I've been miserable from the beginning and have tried to make the best of it (young and dumb, I suppose). Your whole last paragraph, about your friends mentioning how controlling he is, how you spoke to him about it and his reaction....red flags, red flags. Please start reading the D/A board and see if some of that is not beneficial to you.
What makes it so much more complicated, is that in times like these...I could email exMM and kind of lean on him and he was a "soft place to land". Right now, I'm so tempted to email him but I know that will not get me anywhere. Besides I need to stand on my own two feet for a change and not depend upon someone else for my happiness.
Thanks again.....
dharma