For all of us who are struggling...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
For all of us who are struggling...
2
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:51pm
I checked in here this afternoon and saw that many of you are, sadly, also struggling to maintain NC. I feel like I've been thru the wringer the past few weeks, and I can't seem to get XMM off of my mind. So I devoted most of this morning's therapy session to this bit of insanity, and will pass along to you all the advice my T gave me when I'm feeling the unbearable urge to contact XMM: 1) DON'T!!!!!! - under any circumstances!!!! (do you really need a PhD to dispense this advice????) 2) Sit in the moment and figure out what's REALLY going on. I tell her that I think what's REALLY going on is that I want to see the XMM. She tells me that's BS - there's something much deeper going on and I'm never going to get to it if I focus on the need to contact XMM. It's a distraction from some real discomfort. Personally, I'm not sure my T really cares whether I contact XMM or not. I think what she wants to get at is what the heck is driving this urge all of a sudden to make contact with him.

On the downside, my T and I have been working thru some very unpleasant things in the last few weeks which I don't feel like sharing right now and they have nothing to do with this board. They do, however, go a long way toward understand why I can't shake this urge to contact XMM. That just supports my theory that the A is never really about the A to begin with - it's always about filling a void left by some other event.

Well, I just wanted to participate in this board today, because I'm feeling pretty negative and almost like a loose cannon. I feel like I'm likely to act out on my feelings at any time, so I'm trying to diffuse them by releasing them here and in therapy. Let's keep our chins up, folks, and keep the NC going! Love and positive vibes to everyone! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:16pm
Thanks for posting Mom, I'm right there with you. Been having trouble with NC myself, but so far have been able to talk myself out of doing anything stupid.

Your therapist gave some good advice. Ironically something uncomfortable came up in my marriage, and I think I was wanting to distract myself from it. :/

Guess I need to face the fact that my A was a result of problems in my M that I prefered to avoid dealing with. Honestly, I still don't want to deal with, but it looks like dragging my feet is only making my life miserable.

Ah well. Maybe a nap.

Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:49pm
Wow...thanks for sharing that momesq. Something you said really jumped out at me. I really feel strongly that what you said about the A not really being about the A itself but filling some other void is true!

With my A, I felt distant from H, unhappy with my marriage and the direction it was headed. The A provided a distraction, and gave me the attention I was craving from H, but from someone else. Also, it gave me a huge self-esteem boost, which is significant because I have had issues with self-esteem for almost all of my life.

Everything that you said rings true for me, but especially that line. I just thought I would share with you so you know that you are not alone. Coming here definitely helps maintain NC. I was here a *TON* when I ended my A, even if it was just to read other people's posts. It made me feel like I was not alone in this situation.

:)

Circe