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| Sat, 05-22-2010 - 3:15pm |
starke522.
starke= strength in german. today 5/22/2010.
but i am not strong. i translated strength into german because HE is in germany. with this screen name, i am not letting go fully--i know i shouldn't tempt myself by holding on with some silly name...yet i do.
today i am letting go of my affair.
help me. i need help.
1989: i met HIM--my first boyfriend. we dated (no sex as i was saving myself for marriage). i was college bound across country so i ended it as i "decided" i was too young to fall in love.
1993: college complete and engaged. everything seemed perfect--but i still contacted my HIM once in a while but we never connected.
1994: i got married.
1996: HE emailed me. I avoided HIM. no divorces in my family--i was not going to be tempted, and we were supposedly in love...married...happy. at least i was...
Dec 25, 1999: my husband shattered my soul with news of an affair.
Feb 2002: divorce finally comes through. i left after a long fight to save the marriage--we almost made it.
2002: finished graduate degree. despite being in tears every night, i still made it.
2007: start medical school. my dream.
what i don't mention...i always looked for HIM. but while i was married--i never considered an affair. after my divorce, i couldn't date for 2 years...i finally looked HIM up again. He lived in Germany so i let it go.
october. 2009. facebook connected us.
i thought i was over HIM.
we spoke cordially and i joked about that idea i had always had that we would someday be together. i thought it was safe to confess...i realize my error now. who knew he had loved me back all this time.
He is married with two children.
Jan 2010: I am in Vienna-- we meet...sure we knew we were attracted. We rationalized. We talked about that abortion years ago.
We had a three day affair. We didn't feel it counted since we started our love 20 years ago. Neither of us cheated on anyone until now.
May 2010. He comes to New York. A one week affair.
5/22/2010: he flies back to Germany.
I am ending this now. I am not married. I have no children. But I do know how much my ex-husband almost destroyed me--my ability to feel, my ability to trust, and my self worth. I can't imagine the collateral damage of a family...
i hate my selfish ugly self for doing the same thing my ex-husband did. No one knows about this. I am so fearful his wife will learn of this terrible breach. I don't want him to feel the shame of letting his family down.
I want him to go back to his life and feel content there again.
Edited 5/22/2010 6:38 pm ET by starke522

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Then let him go. No contact. Block him every imaginable way. Let him go. N whether he has a dday or not is not your problem. U can not worry about him. He made a choice just like u did.
Welcome to the board. You are in good hands here. U need to read like crazy. Get in n stay in the healing library. Read, read n read. Post away. Cease n desist all contact with him. Let him to his family. Good that he is far, far, away. End all cyber contact. No Im's. Delete, delete, delete. N delete him as a friend on FB. N make sure u block him from seeing ur page.
Even tho u had these brief encounters, the fact u have had this history for years makes this difficult. Our leader has mentioned that these affairs are very difficult to overcome...
She may chime in here shortly.
Hang in there. This will be tough but if u follow the rules, n stay here you can end this for good n rebuild n restore yourself. U r in the best place if you want to end ur A.
Comfort n strength to you.
Luvin
Have u been to see a T? About the other A? Issues with exH?
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Starke,
Welcome to our community and thank you for sharing your story, as painful as it is. When there is history between two APs, ending an A can be very difficult. You both are bound by memories of youth, and many times you are in search of finding some sort of closure that was elusive due to past circumstances. Reconnecting later in life is more about
~Iddy~
thanks for your support. i have indeed resolved my issues with a T. i let all that go long ago.
i am struggling with doing the right thing. he is on a plane and i am already in mourning and finding it hard to imagine cutting it off. so much for my bravado this morning.
lucky lucky me he is across the ocean. but i still hear his voice telling me he loves me.
does this start to get better soon?
we've kept each other in our thoughts for so long--am i doomed to continue to think about him for another 20 years...when am i supposed to fall in love again if he is in my heart?
this is truly a curse
We are in the same boat. I just ended an A with my childhood sweetheart. The other ladies are right, I think it is partly the idea of going back to that simpler time in life. My situation is reversed since I am M and XAP is S. I have not had contact with him since yesterday morning when I walked away from his house thinking how completely wrong this is and how I have to break it off. As soon as I got home, I found this board (so talking about Reasons and Seasons-you ladies are here for a reason). I read how strong everyone is and how much they support each other and I truly believe newbies like us can do it.
Funny thing is XAP does not even know he is X yet. He is busy with work until Tuesday and will not notice NC. I am planning a facebook fast (staying off facebook so I can concentrate on other things) so he may start to notice then. I set up a rule before we got involved that if either one of us did not feel right about the A all that person had to do was say "Stop" and the other person would respect that. I made that rule for his benefit, because I was afraid he would start feeling like you are now. I did not think I would be using it (and I officially have not used it yet so when and if he starts asking questions about NC, then I will have to break NC to
thanks, julia_tx.
i feel less alone and isolated with these feelings having found a support system--i do take it as a little sign.
Here we are together: day 1 NC. i am with you.
my day is planned to the fullest in order to keep my mind elsewhere. i will be thinking of you especially as tuesday draws near...
are you going to go cold turkey? or will there be a small note or something?
Starke, the advice that Iddy wrote to you is spot on. Take it from someone who has BTDT with an old college flame of 30 years ago. I think when we try to reconnect with an old love, like Iddy, said we are trying to go back, rewrite history. It took me forever to understand why I could not let this man go. He haunted me for years.
I kept this guy on a pedestal for over 30 yrs., amazing huh? We had 2 very brief encounters early during that time, lived 1,000 miles apart and did not keep up with each other's lives. Then boom, an email in 2005 resulted in an affair that lasted over 3 years, across 1,000 miles and many emails. It was less than 2 months and we were rendezvousing and professing our love for each other. Looking back, I allowed the affair because of many things, but one being I wanted him again. But "him" was not who he was 30 years prior. Who could be?
Starke, for me and I think for my xAP, all those years we both had this "what if" in the back of our minds. In college, he was the guy I compared all others to. He was the guy you really wanted to take home to your parents. But he was shy and too reserved and considered me to be a social butterfly on campus and dropped me like a hot potato! I was left dumb-founded when he stopped calling. But I ended up marrying the college football star (!) and xAP married a girl he met on vacation in Europe. We saw each other twice after we both had married others and after those flings, life took over and he wasn't on my mind as much, but I have to tell you, it didn't take much for me to start the wondering again.
Starke, I now know that xAP and I could not have married and lived a happy life together. We are way too different in our personalities. It's pathetic that it took an affair to discover that. He is not my knight in shining armor, I have knocked him off the pedestal at last. xAP and I both tried to rewrite our history together. I found that xAP and I connected the best during the times we were reminiscing about college and our relationship. (and arguing about who did what!) That does not make a very solid foundation for any relationship. But it was where we found common ground, once again trying to reconnect the dots. And for what? Why? For about 1 year, the affair was a glorious high, but soon, real life couldn't be ignored any longer and we each struggled to be married and also have a sickening relationship on the side. He was not the person I thought he was and I was disillusioned by that. All fantasy. I knew I had to end it, but I wanted it to be nice. It was one drama after the other. Most of it mine because I wanted it over, yet couldn't give up the so-called friendship. He wanted to be friends forever. He didn't want to lose me again. He also couldn't understand why I no longer wanted a sexual relationship with him. "Who was it hurting" - well, me for one. Starke, I've said this many times on this board to others who dived off into affairland with an old boyfriend. Ask yourself, if this man was so important to you over the years, then why was he not in your life for real? Where was he when you were living your life and dealing with the real world? You can also ask yourself the same of him. If you were that special to him and that important, then why did he not make that known to you? Instead he married and had children.
You are being very smart to see this for what it is/was. Yes, you have to let it go. Too much time and living has passed to reconnect the dots once again. He has a family - bottom line. Another thing that used to bug me was is xAP that great of a man who would cheat on his wife and family with me? Even though I was a cheating wife too, I wondered how he could allow himself the affair and not feel the guilt I felt. That was a red flag for sure because after the first year of the affair, my guilt became an everyday struggle. He just wanted to have fun with an old girlfriend, or so it seemed. Oh and this affair was full of I love you's and you are my soul mate stuff. All of which I now realize were efforts to reconnect and fantasize about what might have been.
And a lot of ego thrown in as well.
You cannot go back. You are not the person you were years ago and neither is he. Living has changed both of you. I don't hate my xAP. He is a good man, has many fine qualities but he is not my man. Just as I am not his woman. I recently saw him at an alumni event. I worried a bit about what to do and say if he confronted me. We did speak, but honestly I can't remember much of what we said. But in the end, Starke, he was JAM (just another man) among hundreds in that room. That is real life, not the lost "us" xAP and I cried about during our affair.
Stay with us Starke and live up to that translation of strength. peace and hugs to you
Dear Starke & Julia,
Welcome to the board. I can tell that you both will be tremendous assets to the board! I look forward to hearing more from you both, and to being here to support you through these next few (what usually are the toughest) weeks.
My best,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Day 1 NC successful. I actually thought about his mother today. She passed years ago, but when we were young she was always very kind and nice to me. She would
bandk73 and TU:
i am touched that you both took time to write me...and i am surprised at how much resolve it gives me to read the sentiments. I still struggle with the what-if aspect that bandk73 mentions.
in the end--my xAP did try to get in touch with me before he married--i was married, however. i let him go, i suppose...and he is more admirable now than when i met him years ago. a lovely man that i would be lucky to have in my life. but he is married and with two young children. he is no longer mine. i must have faith that things are meant to be as they are-- for some reason i don't understand just yet.
my heart hurts and my throat has a lump that pushes out a few tears...but i am not going to alter his course and mine this way.
i had to look in the mirror today and realize that i fear no one will see me the way he does...i am old now--men my age want a 25 year old..they don't want a doctor for a wife...i worry i will never get the chance to have children. i realize this is my primary problem. fear and lack of hope.
silly thought, but powerful enough to enable me to be weak around him.
we simply aren't together for some reason. i wish i were religious so i can have more faith.
for now--you all give me a brief glimpse into life at the other side of letting this one go.
you all seem so collected and together. i am very much impressed with your fortitude--especially seeing that your circumstances seem so similar to mine.
thanks again for the replies. it does help...
congrats, julia. you and i have made it one day.
i hope that tomorrow you are as successful as you are today. i like that you found a way to acknowledge his mother without contacting him. you remind me to find a path that doesn't involve the xAP.
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