allow me to introduce myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2010
allow me to introduce myself
13
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 3:15pm

starke522.

starke= strength in german. today 5/22/2010.

but i am not strong. i translated strength into german because HE is in germany. with this screen name, i am not letting go fully--i know i shouldn't tempt myself by holding on with some silly name...yet i do.

today i am letting go of my affair.

help me. i need help.

1989: i met HIM--my first boyfriend. we dated (no sex as i was saving myself for marriage). i was college bound across country so i ended it as i "decided" i was too young to fall in love.

1993: college complete and engaged. everything seemed perfect--but i still contacted my HIM once in a while but we never connected.

1994: i got married.
1996: HE emailed me. I avoided HIM. no divorces in my family--i was not going to be tempted, and we were supposedly in love...married...happy. at least i was...

Dec 25, 1999: my husband shattered my soul with news of an affair.

Feb 2002: divorce finally comes through. i left after a long fight to save the marriage--we almost made it.

2002: finished graduate degree. despite being in tears every night, i still made it.

2007: start medical school. my dream.

what i don't mention...i always looked for HIM. but while i was married--i never considered an affair. after my divorce, i couldn't date for 2 years...i finally looked HIM up again. He lived in Germany so i let it go.

october. 2009. facebook connected us.

i thought i was over HIM.

we spoke cordially and i joked about that idea i had always had that we would someday be together. i thought it was safe to confess...i realize my error now. who knew he had loved me back all this time.

He is married with two children.

Jan 2010: I am in Vienna-- we meet...sure we knew we were attracted. We rationalized. We talked about that abortion years ago.

We had a three day affair. We didn't feel it counted since we started our love 20 years ago. Neither of us cheated on anyone until now.

May 2010. He comes to New York. A one week affair.

5/22/2010: he flies back to Germany.

I am ending this now. I am not married. I have no children. But I do know how much my ex-husband almost destroyed me--my ability to feel, my ability to trust, and my self worth. I can't imagine the collateral damage of a family...

i hate my selfish ugly self for doing the same thing my ex-husband did. No one knows about this. I am so fearful his wife will learn of this terrible breach. I don't want him to feel the shame of letting his family down.

I want him to go back to his life and feel content there again.




Edited 5/22/2010 6:38 pm ET by starke522

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 10:10pm

hello

welcomes starke522. the ladies here have taken good care of you. i just have to say something. how is your MM admirable? He is cheating on that W and two kids? A lovely man? I am sorry, if this seems harsh. I realize good people make bad choices in a A. But do you find him admirable and lovely? I was in a A and my MM or myself for that matter were not admirable or lovely. I was selfish and vile and so was he.

Fog is thick in a A. I just wanted you to think about that. Would he cheat on you too one day? What if he left her, would you really want him? Right now, you may say yes to that last question, but months later, you may not feel the same.

U are not too old and washed up. Please do not allow self hate to consume you. You need to be your best friend right now. Please read and read here. This person was not for you. it does not mean that you are less than in any way.

Congrats on a day NC. Its a start and thats all you can do. Please stay around and do not let me scare you away from this amazing board. I

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 11:30pm

Hi starke,

<>

there is a reason and most likely each of you were in different places in your lives when you thought of each other. I know how difficult it can be to realize you each took a different path and perhaps at different times, regretted it. But what is done, is done and you cannot rewrite it to fit into your life now. And honestly, starke, are you sure you could have lived with him? Would he really leave his wife? His children? Could you live with the hurt it might caused to others? I sense you know all this, but are struggling with the pain of accepting it could never work. It's hard, BTDT ! I know you are feeling sad, perhaps realizing a dream that is truly just that, a dream, a fantasy. Please give your self some time to accept the reality. I think in time the answers you seek will come to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 9:54am

Welcome to EAS Starke and Julia. I hope you stick around here and soak up all the wisdom that is dished out. This board truly saved my life and it can save yours if you let it.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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