almost d-day
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| Sun, 07-04-2010 - 10:22am |
Last night, I asked my H to forward a link to our DD's preschool photos and it reminded me that I have an old flickr account from the A-days that I never deleted and totally forgot about. I opened that account and was looking at the photos when my H walked up behind me. I heard him coming and tried to close the window, but my computer lagged. H walked up behind me in time to see a xAP's face for a split second before the page closed. He didn't say anything. I know he saw the photo, but don't know if it registered with him. He acted perfectly normal. The rest of the evening, I was a sick mess. My face was hot and I was scrambling for excuses in my head. I was 50/50 on whether or not I could pull off an acceptable ruse, which was sick in and of its self - but, I realized, I was mostly ripped up that I would have to LIE, not that I would have to be believed. I just cannot stand the thought of lying to H anymore. I was so angry with myself for creating a past that could hurt him - I was feeling viciously protective of his well-being and scared about what I could still lose because of what I'd done.
I was an early-deleter. I trashed all the old emails and photos within, I think, like, a week of the Ending? I'd have to go back to old post and check the date to be sure. Anyway, deleting all that shiz was a huge relief - even though it was really difficult - and I never regretted it. I advocate deleting everything ASAP. Not just because it will help avoid a D-day, but because it's just such a huge step in healing and resisting the temptation to wallow. For the love of God, why didn't I remember to delete that fn Flickr account??
Today is my 8 month day and I robbed myself of my own celebration. Ladies, if you are holding onto old trash, please delete it. Just do it. I cannot imagine what you're going through if you are keeping morbid reminders around. I mean, my reminder was an accident and it still sent me right back to hell. I really wanted to celebrate my 'personal' Independence Day today, but instead I am painfully reminded that I created a prison that I might never fully break out of. All I can do is buck up and carry on. Last night was a horrid reminder that even the tiniest misstep could destroy everything - and I loathe the thought that I will be evermore looking over my shoulder for Karma's roundhouse kick to the head. I might deserve that beatdown, but I'm sure as h*ll not going to sign up for it, ykwim? So glad to be out of my A. So thankful that I'm dealing with only my past, now, and that my future can be a different story.
Sorry my post is such a downer. I guess the only take away message here is Delete Your Sh*t. The rest is just pissing and moaning about icky consequences that continue to haunt me.
Blech,
Dee

Sorry Dee to hear what you went through last night. I have some printed emails I kept bc I wasn't sure if xAP's wife would go to my H about my A and kept them as a reference in case she distorted them. They are emails from xAP, none of my responses. But maybe you are right and maybe I should just shred them and be done with it. Let it all go. No reminders and no words left.
I am sorry you didn't get to enjoy your 8 month day as you planned, but D-day didn't happen and you're still maintaining NC, so its still okay.
Hang in there!
MovingON
Oh Dee,
I know that awful feeling only too well. I had kept a few emails in a secret account used strictly for my A. One night, shortly after I ended the A I was reading one of them when my H walked in. I quickly minimized the page which raised suspicion. H asked about it and of course I lied. My heart almost pounded through my chest. I immediately canceled the account.
I don't ever want to experience that feeling again. I literally felt sick for a couple of days after that. You've offered some stellar advice. Thank you for this reminder.
Hope your day goes a little better!
Love and hugs,
CSN
Dee,
Your message is an important one, and I am so glad that you shared it. I never had a Dday either. I have trashed ALMOST everything. I have held on to a few emails. Why? I don't know. I really don't.
After reading your post today, I know what I need to do.
I'm sorry that you are feeling down today, but I hope that it will help you to know that you might have just saved me (and my family) from a Dday.
Thank You,
Angel
What a great message Dee. I am sorry you have to experience that- but it does serve as a nice reminder, especially to the newbies.
AND NOW LET'S JUST BACK UP AND CELEBRATE 8 MONTHS. That is so huge, girl. So So huge! Congrats.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hey there Dee,
Your message rings loud and clear. Delete everything. I thought I deleted all xAP's pictures, but months later I found another stash in a forgotten file. I had no Dday, but had my H discovered those, I would have a lot of explaining to do. To this day, I have a gnawing worry there are more pictures somewhere in forgotten picture files.
I hope you are doing better and moving forward. Be your best for yourself and for your family. 8 months is a big, big success. Try not to worry about your H seeing the picture. Maybe he didn't see it and you are uber worried he did.
I once left open a letter I was composing to xAP. My H saw my laptop on and decided to turn it off. I walked into the room as he was attempting to shut it down. I almost had a heart attack - seriously. He never saw the letter, but you can bet I never left my laptop unattended from that day forward. Totally stupid thing to do.
Hang in there Dee. We are all here for you.
MovingON
Hey, Grrrrls - thank you so much for the support and for letting me know my lil' stumble wasn't in vain. If coming here to share my dumb-assiness has helped at least one sister, I'm glad I posted.
Love to you all,
Dee
Way to go