Almost embarrassed to write this...
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| Tue, 04-13-2010 - 6:28pm |
Before I begin to write what is on my mind I want to say to especially Jane and GMLB: Both of you ladies (along with others) took the time to respond to my postings with wisdom, strength, words I needed to hear...you have helped me beyond words. It has only been about a week and a half since starting to post (day 43 NC). When I read that both of you have been discouraged and struggling a bit...I felt OK. Does that make sense? Your struggle made me feel that even the strong wise ones have days too. It is like when one of my students sees me have a weak moment at school and they realize I am human too and that although I am always the one with the wisdom and words and strength....there are times of weakness...and that is not necessarily a BAD thing at all. I felt this way with your posts the past two days...your WEAKNESS gave me STRENGTH and that is not a BAD thing at all. Thank you for sharing with such honesty and may the moment pass quickly.
So this is the embarrassing part...
I have been reading so many posts by so many amazing women and there are a lot of things they have in common that I don't seem to "fit" into. My xAP was never there for me emotionally...he was never available for any conversations with substance or feelings. He never once said he even cared for me let alone love me. The closest he came would have been something like "I really like having sex with you".... now that is HOT isn't it????? Isn't that something every independent intelligent caring emotional woman wants to hear??? (insert my very sarcastic laugh here) I mean really...WTF was I thinking to allow this to continue for 7 years??????????????????????????? Are you reading this and thinking Holy Crap...are you serious? 7 Years of nothing??? YUP...that would be me and my affair. No charm, no saying words that kept me hanging, no making my heart soar...LMAO, but when there was an underlying "crumb" given I GRABBED it...and made myself think...he does care, he does have feelings, he is just lacking the ability to show it. I know what he has grown up through, I know the life he has lead prior to me, I know he is a "cold" hearted non emotional person, so when there was even the slightest word that remotely resembled feelings I was SURE he must care. Why else in the world would he continue for so long?? Why would he initiate conversation even when it was not going to be physical, why would he just call sometimes and not say much when he wasn't going to come over? He has been like a challenge, someone I could change, someone I could eventually win over into saying what I so desperately wanted to hear, someone who was so intriguing to me in his bada$$ way that I found it thrilling that I was his "secret". He was mine, no one knew about him...he was something that only I knew about and that was a thrill to me...all mine. I would read comments on FB about him and his now W being the perfect couple...and oh the ache in my heart and the satisfaction at the same time of knowing that they weren't and she didn't even know him! Then I would be sick to my stomach thinking how horrid and despicable and guilty and all those disgusting feelings that rear their head I am for even doing this to HER and my own loving. loyal, caring, incredible and amazing H.
My xAP never led me on, never said he would leave his gf (W now) but yet I allowed him to use me for all these years, I have put such a toll on my M without even admitting it. I thought I was so good at acting like all was well in my world...all the while gradually pushing all those who love me further away... because I was losing ME...and have finally LOST me. I am slowly trying to find me again. It is hard because I FEEL all of the things you all feel, even though it was the way it was described above...weird huh? The addiction, the obsession, the thinking I loved him, knowing I didn't. Knowing you had to "know" a person before you loved them...and I rarely learned a thing about him in all these years. All was superficial and I couldn't tell you a LOT of personal feelings he has about many things. I was constantly trying to "figure him out"...THAT was constantly a pull for me.
Sorry this is long...but is there anyone who was in this "type" of A??? Because I will say....I am embarrassed and ashamed to the caor of my soul that I allowed myself to be "taken" away from my family and friends for so long...for absolutely NOTHING!

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Hi Healing,
Sorry I haven’t had a chance to chime in and welcome you. My posting has been spotty at best due to time constraints on my end.
I wasn’t in the type of A you described but you did get something out of it. There was a payday for you or you would not have done it for as long as you did. Only you can figure out what it was that kept you in the A.
Please do not be embarrassed or think those of us that had some emotional words spewed from the lips of xAP that means that somehow our As were better or that it somehow excused us for allowing ourselves to be used.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi E1, Thank you so much for replying. Although you may not have posted directly to me, you will never know the impact of some of your posts had that I have read...so thank you for those as well. You wrote one thing that gave me a total "aha" moment and although I may not quote it exactly it was the one regarding the WHY of it all...I have yet to figure out my "reason" the why of how it started, the "what was missing", the void I was trying to fill, the childhood experience...etc. But when you mentioned something about it being MINE and MINE alone and something I deserved and wanted for myself...that hit me hard. I lost "myself" along the road of M and childbearing. I was a wife, a mother, a teacher, a daughter, a sister and a friend....and all along...grew and changed and lost ME. This A was mine...and I was entitled right????? I have always been a selfless giving soul for everyone around me...and I became a selfish lifeless soul because of this A. I will find myself again, and I thank you and all of the other women shaing this painful, emotional journey....
My thoughts are with all of you as we go though this rollercoaster together. THANK YOU!
Welcome healing,
And may I first say, for you I do hope 2010 is a healing year for you.
I just wanted to briefly say I understand the feeling of thinking the affair was all "mine". I think many of us experience that emotion, whether we recognize it or not. For me several factors contributed to that reason. And actually the reasons were nothing more than a crutch to cover the real reasons I was in the affair.
But back to the contributing factors I held onto. Like so many other posters here, I am a mom. My children were college age when I started the affair. My husband had a very demanding business and traveled often. As an interior designer, I worked when I wanted to. And that came to a complete halt when I started the affair. So many of your words could have been mine. I did everything in my home because my husband was gone so often. I held down the fort so to speak. I had an elderly parent I looked in on every few days and I felt my siblings were taking advantage of me, just let "her" do it. I was tired of doing it all and I felt I needed/deserved an escape. In fact I went to Hawaii twice in 3mos. and ya know, even that didn't help, LOL. I had a lot of recognition for my work, but at the time I didn't realize what it meant to me. Now I do. Healing, I do know that feeling of thinking you had lost yourself along the course of life. But not until after the affair and having the incredible support of this board did I see the real truths. The real me was that mom, that daughter, that wife and friend. And I contributed a lot to their lives. I was important. The disturbing truth is I could have lost all that because I didn't see who I was. I didn't value myself. I sought that in the empty words from xAP, 3 years of fawning over him. Gee, I'm rambling. But I challenge you to ask yourself what value you gave to others. I think it will surprise you! It did when I really looked at it. Yes, I have some regrets about not doing things for myself as an adult, but that is part of living and I just have to accept it. Yes, I did give my xAP more of me than my family got at times. It does sicken me I did that. Healing, in time you will come to understand all the whys. I promise you that will bring you some comfort. Begin by focusing on yourself, not xAP. (((Big hugs to you))
Hi Healing-
Thank you for your kind words. As strong as I think I am at times, I do feel weak at others. We all have our moments and I have truly come to understand the importance of bad moments to appreciate the good ones. And I have learned, not only from personal experience, but also from reading here, that the bad moments pass... so keep hopeful that yours will too. We all have our moments, and it's ok. Come here, garner strength, do NOT act upon your emotions, and keep moving forward because forward is all we have.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I cried as I read your post. When I had an A with a MM it was the same as you described. He NEVER said ILY, he never even led on that he loved me. Oh yeah, once he told me how he loved my breasts and my arse and that made me feel so good. My xmm actually would tell me how much he loved his W and how beautiful she was.
Healing,
I have been thinking about you and hoping that you are staying strong. It is a daily struggle sometimes and just even getting through the day is a challange.
We will always wonder why we chose this path, why we allowed XMM to have so much control over our self esteem. Mine completely broke me down and any interaction I seemed to have with him became painful. I just needed to let go. I guess once
<< My xmm actually would tell me how much he loved his W and how beautiful she was. >>
waw, Yep, my xAP did that as well. He did however tell me all the time he loved me. But when he would go on and on about his wife, how beautiful she was (not in my book) and how smart she was - I felt like chopped liver. And I've been told I'm beautiful, many times. Totally blew my self esteem. I could never figure out why he would be telling me, of all people, all this about his wife. But now that's it all over with, I have a pretty good idea.
Healing,
You are being soooo hard on yourself, kind of anti-fog! Of course I relate to your story (I challenge anyone reading this board to say that they do not!).
We all go down this path of looking for something, not sure if we're finding it, rummaging around, slowly figuring out what is and isn't there and then figuring out WTF to do about all of that!
Personally I try to take a 'beginner's mind' (Buddhist) approach, which is neutrally observing what happens (like watching my own life as if it were someone else's life). The message boards help me take ten steps back and see all the patterns involved: the unfulfilled needs, the attempt to meet needs in any way possible, on and on and on.
Your story, to me, is simple: you were trying to get your needs met. You were sucked into the unavailable male partner dynamic, which reinforces itself so easily (I honestly don't know any man that is very available, even healthy ones!).
Just last week I was venting to myself: why am I so emotionally caught up with my XAP? I spend more time thinking about him than my H! For God's sake, it is crazy!
A's are very addictive and all the addictions are powerful. Good news is that as you find your way out of this you'll find something even more powerful grounding within yourself. I'm on the journey with you sister. Be nice to yourself and recognize the milestones you have passed that you can be proud of!
Healing --
OMG --
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