Almost embarrassed to write this...
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| Tue, 04-13-2010 - 6:28pm |
Before I begin to write what is on my mind I want to say to especially Jane and GMLB: Both of you ladies (along with others) took the time to respond to my postings with wisdom, strength, words I needed to hear...you have helped me beyond words. It has only been about a week and a half since starting to post (day 43 NC). When I read that both of you have been discouraged and struggling a bit...I felt OK. Does that make sense? Your struggle made me feel that even the strong wise ones have days too. It is like when one of my students sees me have a weak moment at school and they realize I am human too and that although I am always the one with the wisdom and words and strength....there are times of weakness...and that is not necessarily a BAD thing at all. I felt this way with your posts the past two days...your WEAKNESS gave me STRENGTH and that is not a BAD thing at all. Thank you for sharing with such honesty and may the moment pass quickly.
So this is the embarrassing part...
I have been reading so many posts by so many amazing women and there are a lot of things they have in common that I don't seem to "fit" into. My xAP was never there for me emotionally...he was never available for any conversations with substance or feelings. He never once said he even cared for me let alone love me. The closest he came would have been something like "I really like having sex with you".... now that is HOT isn't it????? Isn't that something every independent intelligent caring emotional woman wants to hear??? (insert my very sarcastic laugh here) I mean really...WTF was I thinking to allow this to continue for 7 years??????????????????????????? Are you reading this and thinking Holy Crap...are you serious? 7 Years of nothing??? YUP...that would be me and my affair. No charm, no saying words that kept me hanging, no making my heart soar...LMAO, but when there was an underlying "crumb" given I GRABBED it...and made myself think...he does care, he does have feelings, he is just lacking the ability to show it. I know what he has grown up through, I know the life he has lead prior to me, I know he is a "cold" hearted non emotional person, so when there was even the slightest word that remotely resembled feelings I was SURE he must care. Why else in the world would he continue for so long?? Why would he initiate conversation even when it was not going to be physical, why would he just call sometimes and not say much when he wasn't going to come over? He has been like a challenge, someone I could change, someone I could eventually win over into saying what I so desperately wanted to hear, someone who was so intriguing to me in his bada$$ way that I found it thrilling that I was his "secret". He was mine, no one knew about him...he was something that only I knew about and that was a thrill to me...all mine. I would read comments on FB about him and his now W being the perfect couple...and oh the ache in my heart and the satisfaction at the same time of knowing that they weren't and she didn't even know him! Then I would be sick to my stomach thinking how horrid and despicable and guilty and all those disgusting feelings that rear their head I am for even doing this to HER and my own loving. loyal, caring, incredible and amazing H.
My xAP never led me on, never said he would leave his gf (W now) but yet I allowed him to use me for all these years, I have put such a toll on my M without even admitting it. I thought I was so good at acting like all was well in my world...all the while gradually pushing all those who love me further away... because I was losing ME...and have finally LOST me. I am slowly trying to find me again. It is hard because I FEEL all of the things you all feel, even though it was the way it was described above...weird huh? The addiction, the obsession, the thinking I loved him, knowing I didn't. Knowing you had to "know" a person before you loved them...and I rarely learned a thing about him in all these years. All was superficial and I couldn't tell you a LOT of personal feelings he has about many things. I was constantly trying to "figure him out"...THAT was constantly a pull for me.
Sorry this is long...but is there anyone who was in this "type" of A??? Because I will say....I am embarrassed and ashamed to the caor of my soul that I allowed myself to be "taken" away from my family and friends for so long...for absolutely NOTHING!

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Jan- I love that blog and read it often. I hadn't read this particular entry, so I thank you for posting it. The following really hit home with me:
<< Missing means nothing. Missing isn’t anything. Love is an action (remember) and missing is just a dopey nostalgia for something that is missing because YOUR BONEHEAD EX told you to GO AWAY.>>
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Bravo!
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jan,
Thank you for your post.... glad to know I am not alone in the respect. Thank you for the link too... I NEEDED that today, been a rough one and I am "MISSING" him...
But it really DOESN'T Matter right???? Thx
Stay strong! It is day 45 NC for me today...
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