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| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:38pm |
I guess we sort of left it at "well you have somebody who you spend your evenings with and now I have somebody." <> I feel a million different things about this situation. Part of me feels that I could easily walk away from him and wish him well and never look back. Then he phones me and again we're happy go lucky "hey friend how are you? Missed you." <> He asked what my plans were for the weekend. We talked a bit about that and I said I'd probably give him a call. He felt the need to inform me that he might "have company." You know.... the infamous company. <> I know about this woman and again part of me feels like how I can really be upset about it. He's only human. Then another part of me just fumes about it, blood pressure rises, veins probably pop out. Today he phoned me on his break. His co-worker yelled from the background "hello Debbie!" Problem with that is that I am NOT Debbie. OM said he didn't know who OM was talking to. No apparently he didn't and perhaps he should keep his comments to himself. I ended the conversation sharply. Gotta Go..talk to you later. bye.
He phoned a few minutes later as he always does in this situation. I said "You know I should never be having the emotions that I am having, especially over this. I should not be in the position where I should be feeling this way." I tried to point out that he has not done anything wrong and I apologized for being a bitch about the whole thing. That is wrong yet that is the way it is. I mean all he wants is to be with me, I'm denying him that and then I carry on the way I do. Again I honestly feel that I am using this as an excuse. I want out and it's easier to make it seem that it's his fault. What a callous way for me to act.

Wow, you and I could be the same person! The only difference is that when my OM and I started the A, we were both married. This A has been going on for 4 years off and on. Now he's getting a D and is trying to adjust. A few months ago, he wanted to be with me...even told me he loved me...something he hadn't said in a couple of years (it was easier to keep that word out of the A).
Then he meets a girl...I had all the same feelings as you, jealousy then stupidity. I mean who am I to tell this man that I don't want him to be with anyone else when I go home to my husband. Well we started fighting, both of us doing things that looking back I can see were because we were trying to pull away from one another. So, he starts spending all his time with this girl, mainly because he didn't like living alone.
He initiated the NC without informing me that it was going to happen. I was so PO'd, had no idea what I had done. I would call and leave him a message, letting him know that I was done/finished with him. Lo and behold he would eventually call and want to talk.
He told me that he liked this girl, that he was starting to see himself wanting a relationship with me. He didn't know how to handle me and this girl he's dating, blah, blah, blah. He needed to see how things were going to work with this girl. So, we're friends...then he never answers my calls again. I mean, I was used to talking to this man every morning, seeing him every couple of days. I didn't know what to do or how to take it.
Finally, I left another message and told him that I didn't want anything from him, no s**, no relationship nothing. Just wanted the things that he had borrowed back..That he could take them to work and I would pick them up. That I hadn't done anything to deserve the way he was treating me and he could kiss my a**. I hung up and felt great..didn't call again. Until he called me..
Two days later he calls and apologizes for making me so angry, we talk, we plan on meeting. The next morning, I get up and go see him for about 30 minutes before I head to work. S** was great! He hasn't called me since!
He tells me that he doesn't want to get attached, he knows I won't leave my M for him. That he doesn't know how else to handle it besides pulling away from me. Problem is that he didn't have this problem while he was M, what has changed?
Sorry, I went off on a tangent...my point is that as much as I want to be with him, I have made the choice to stick with my H. I want him to be happy and I know I need to let him go completely for that to happen. But I don't wanna! I want the A the way is was...fun, exciting and mostly with him.
Why is it that life is so difficult?
It's weird about this girl. She's really rushing things with him, wanting to plan his evenings, his weekends, make arrangements to camp in the summertime...things like that. Of course if he and I were both single as they are I'd probably be clinging to him like that also. Who doesn't want to spend every waking moment together when you are beginning a relationship. He feels she's coming on too strong. I have said "I'm sure that's only what you say when you are speaking to me. It's probably all a different story when you are in her company." I told him that I felt terrible that he was actually having an affair of his own on her. He once told me that every couple days she asks him if he is still seeing me. Today I asked him what his response to that question was. He said "she hasnt' asked me in quite a while." I said what was your response the last time she asked you. He said "I told her no." Well there you have it. I have created a monster.
elf
Well I managed to maintain NC this weekend. This morning however he phoned me here at work and asked "Well what do you think?" I responded "About what?" He said "About us." I implied that I did not know anymore. I told him that I guess it would be best if we do not continue on as we have.
I remember him once asking me to simplify my thoughts, to break them down to find the absolute "bottom line." I tend to overwhelm myself with data I guess. LOL So what is the bottom line of he and my relationship? I refuse to leave my husband and I get upset to learn about the daily activities between him and his new girlfriend. It would appear to me that the bottom line of this situation just sucks anyway you look at it. I feel I am distancing myself from it all, kind of shrugging it off like I'm no longer truly affected by it if that makes any sense. Perhaps this is just a hard exterior I am trying to put on, to cover what I am really feeling inside. I wonder if maybe after so many years with my husband it was nice to learn that another individual found me desirable. Once I validated that, I was able to let it go.
elf