Am I just fooling myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Am I just fooling myself?
2
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:08pm
In a nutshell, is it possible to have contact with MM if it is limited contact? Am I fooling myself to think that I can have my cake but not eat it too? What happens if two friends at work begin innocently and end up having feelings for each other? Is it reasonable to think that both can plegde to one another that they will keep contact appropriate so as to not lose the friendship? Because we began as friends, I feel like I would rather have his friendship than nothing at all, which it will be if we allow it to become anymore emotional than it already is, or heaven forbid, we began to be physical.

So I didn't have a physical relationship with my co-worker, but we started talking to each other after work on our commutes home and text messaging each other throughout the day. It was flirting at best, because we never discussed having feelings for each other, but really, we didn't need to because men and women know when they are attracted to each other. When I first met him I was not attracted to him, but we did get along very well.

I had such a good time talking to him--of course I would eventually develop feelings for him. I know that he desires to have a close friendship; he doesn't have this with his wife. About a month ago, we began talking everyday and text messaging several times a day. I was checking my cell phone every 5 seconds. I was living in some major denial.

Then about 3 weeks ago he told me that his wife was pregnant. I was devastated. I felt so hurt and cried non-stop for a week. He knew that I was affected, although I pretended to be happy for him (despite that he said "I thought we were done having kids"). I finally told him that I needed to not speak to him. We had NC for about two weeks, but are now talking again. We had a discussion about how we need to stop the contact outside of work, and we basically admitted that a lot of contact fuels the feelings we have for one another. Am I naive to think that I can work with him and keep my feelings under control. I feel like I really love him and if it means that I must resolve to keep my feelings under control to be around him then I am willing to do this. Does this sound completely ridiculous? I've never felt so many emotions all at once. I feel like I've overdosed on emotions ranging from pain and sadness, hope and anger, and discouragement, to hope that things can go back to being less complicated. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:38pm
HEY

You and this MARRIED MAN are already in an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, THIS MAN IS ALREADY cheating ON HIS WIFE WITH "YOU"

Stop it will only get worse not better, you said your in love with him how can you hope to have just a friendship, stop lieing to yourself.

If you have any desire to save a shred of you integraty leave this man alone now, if you do not you will be fornicating with him before you know it then your going to learn the hard way what Cheating is really all about.

If you do not decide to walk way from this man and the JOB you had better be prepared to become a very good liar and a sneak, be prepared to dump any principles you have in the trash along with your self respect and self-esteem.

Be smart and RUN AWAY, once you put your foot in the trap getting it free can take YEARS of intense PAIN.

Why are you doing this to his wife and children, why is what you want more important then there well being and happyness, are you really that selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:05pm
there are reasons you are falling into this affair. there may be a hole in your life or heart that you are filling with this unattainable romantic fantasy. You deserve a real life and a real relationship not some half-arsed fantasy that leaves you so sad and dissatisfied.

you're on the right track by setting up some rules for your Professional relationship and striving to limit your contact to work. It'll be hard for you because your feelings can fool you into making foolish choices.

speaking from experience after feeling caught in a 3 year affair with my best guy friend from my child's preschool. friends for 5 years before "it" happened. was NEVER attracted to him before. I now understand that I was meeting needs in an unhealthy way that I could have met in healthy ways but didn't out of fear etc. (newly divorced at the time)

My solution -- therapy! it worked for me. I also read books, read & posted here, talked with good honest friends, etc. But the only thing that finally set me free from the affair was therapy and NO CONTACT.