Am I just FREAKING BEYOND help????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Am I just FREAKING BEYOND help????
18
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 10:50pm
It is me Cali drama queen #1. Why have I been on this board for a while now and seen so many people get their lives back together and move past all this mess and I feel like I am still at square one? How did I become so weak?

Ok so you all know I have a problem (self admitted) about reading my XMM's W's post on her other boards. Well today she bragged about things they were doing to gether this weekend that him and I were suppose to do. I am so sick to my stomach and want to cry. Ok so he bowls(that should have told me what a loser he is) and he bowls in tournaments. there was one this weekend and when he wanted to come back this last time he left a messgae about how this was coming up and he needed me there. This was something we did together I supported him and went to all of them. His stupid wife never took intrest until now. He took her. The first day they even got a sitter so it was just the two of them. I am so sick they are starting to do things together like this, family pics and the stupid holidays coming up. I know what everyone wants to say QUIT reading the boards. I know it is an addiction I need to get past.

My question is why do I continue to torture myself? I keep looking and know that I will see things that are going to hurt me so why do I allow this? Will I ever be able to know they are doing things together and not hurt? This whole thing is making me so sick. He makes me sick that he can just discard me and I made his marriage better with his darn wife. I am so sick that he is happy. I know people keep saying he really isn't but I really believe he is and I am a faded memory that mean't nothing. I gave my all to this man. In 28 yrs I have never done that before and I have even been married before. I also just called and left him a nasty message. He will ignore it as he has been ignorign me for weeks now and having wonderful outtings with his wife.

I am so sorry for this vent. I thought I was getting better. This has knocked me down bad. And I have to get strength to go to work tomorrow. Just when I started making myself eat and wanted to get better. I am hurting so much.

Am I to far gone? Will I ever be able to get it together?

In misery

Cali~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 8:42am
Believe me, I'm in no position to give you advice because I'm still deciding about whether or not to end my A.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 8:48am
Hi Cali,

Oh how I want you to quit doing this to yourself. You are to good to let this man effect you in this way. I know you are addicted to reading the boards where his wife posts but I hope you find the strength to stop. It is only hurting you. Maybe you should get away from the computer. I wish there was a way that you could block your access to that board. It really is torture like you said and you don't deserve it. And I highly doubt that all is well in his marriage. And if it is as "great " as she says then let them have at it. You deserve better than that and I know that in your heart you know that!! Now girl you have got to start eating and taking care of yourself. If I could send you just part of my huge appetite (I unfortunately eat TOO MUCH when I'm depressed) you would be back on your feet. You need to eat for the energy, you need the energy to get up and get moving and you need to get moving to start living life again and moving towards your happiness. You are going to make it Cali!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 9:01am
cali...you are not beyond help. the fact that you are in therapy and posting shows you are trying your best to get to a better place. you will get there, but the place you're at now stinks. I have been there (to a lesser, but still painful, degree). I am 5 mos out of the A, though contact, (at work) still remains. I feel all the things you feel; like I was his *everything*, then down to nothing overnight, he complained constantly about his w and now they are a happy couple, etc etc. It is so painful to feel it and think it, so I visualize myself locking it away up in a cabinet. really. I do this sometimes 150 times a day. when the negative feelings come in I acknowledge them and put them away. at least then I have peaceful times throughout the day. I have fallen back into initiating contact, (very innocent, but initiated no less), and when he doesn't answer right away, etc, I end up feeling rejected and not worth much all over again. I will make a deal with you and stop this on my end if you stop calling him on your end. 'how bout it? cmbm
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 12:03pm
Cali,

Your fine, You will be HAPPY again... JUST CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY!!!! Tell yourself you meant alot to this man.. HE will ALWAYS think of you!! Leave now...with the knowledge that all of it meant something... FOR you it meant that your far to valuable to give your life up to this man.. who does not, and cannot, love you the way you deserve. IS this the way you want to be loved.. In the 10 minutes or hour he can spare for you... do you want to watch your chest rise in fall..in sync with his fleeting emotions? BE your own PERSON! I can tell you are a beautiful complex person.. BE you, be special, don't stand in the shadows anymore... waiting for him to notice you... YOU will haunt him the rest of his days, I'm sure... Be confident it was all for a reason... Be confident that you are going to use this experience to grow as a person.

MY suggestions::: stop reading his W posts.. don't let her control you too....Would you want to be her? HELL NO!!!

Give yourself a SPA day!! Or at least a 60 min. Massage.. Empty your mind of everything.... YOGA is awesome... NOT for everyone I realize BUT very awesome...

And Give yourself a HUG from me... you are one of a kind... BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!!

KATJA

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 3:10pm
Hi Cali. I wanted to give you some support in this area. I have been right where you are. My xMM and I work together. During our long A we shared passwords on email, voicemail, etc. I do not know if that was his way of "showing" me that he did not have any secrets from me. Since it has ended, he has not changed his passwords. I look at the email all of the time. I don't even really know what I am looking for. He has told me that he and his W are a lot happier. I don't know why I can't just accept that. I can't stand this behavior in myself. It is not something I would have ever imagined myself doing. I think that it is because these affairs are so confusing. We are always looking for something. Often, the actions and the words did not go together. Even though we knew it in our hearts, we did not want to face it. There is always that feeling that there is "something" that you do not know. The reality of that is that there certainly is. I know how you feel. I know what it feels like to have this person tell you how unhappy they are, etc., etc.,etc. Now, suddenly they are so happy in a marriage that was so bad. It is very hard to believe and to accept. Not sure if you know my history. I had a miscarriage with MM. He talked about having a child with me for 4 years. Now, he is trying to have another (last I heard) with his W. He is not even going to find another job. This from a man that used to tell me that he could never work here if we were not together. I know from this one action that he could not possibly love me the way that he said. If he did, he would leave. Anyway, the whole not knowing dynamics of the A makes you crazy. It really makes you do things you would not normally do in order to get information. Because they told us so many things and then turned around and told us the opposite....all of the times of NC when he said that he was going to work on his M...then he would come back and beg me to give him a chance. He always did an about face with everything he said. I keep expecting it to happen again. It is hard to believe anything that they have said so we keep searching. The searching has to stop because the reality is that they do not even know what they are doing. They are very troubled souls like many on this board have pointed out. We are trying to figure out people that are very troubled. We can't.

Lostit

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 3:37pm
Cali....

None of us on this board are beyond help....The only way we could be beyond help would be if we were dead. From what I gather you have a pulse and are able to use the computer, so do I...so right there we are not beyond help.

STOP STOP STOP looking at his wife's post. I know telling you that is like telling you to stop breathing. But it is like you are hurting yourself, stabbing yourself every time you look at her posts. If they were so happy then why would he go outside the marriage like he did? Give me a break! And even if they are happy now, mazel tov to them...you don't want him. You want to go on with your life and find a man that can give you 100 percent...not a man that is going to cowardly go back to his wife and ignore you after all that you two shared...or a man that doesn't care that you were in the hospital. Screw him! You deserve better, why can't you see that?????!!!

Someone asked me today if I were ever going to succumb to OM again if he were to beg for forgiveness...and the answer to that is HELL NO!!!!!! He had been given so many chances, and he screwed up every chance. I see him for who he really is right now. I am done! done! done! I'm tired of being his doormat, don't you feel the same way? This man didn't do right by you....screw HIM! Maybe I'm angrier then you are and that is what is helping me..I'm not sure. Of course I find myself wondering if he is still with the other woman, if he is miserable, close to being homeless , etc......Then I remember what he has done to me, how much he has hurt me and I say WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!! And another thing...each time he makes contact, whether it be his stupid a$$ letter, or his making my phone ring, and I do not respond..that is EMPOWERMENT for me! It feels good.

Let this guy go bowling with his wife, who gives a $hit! Yanno, when i was feeling the worse of it I realized that he wasn't starving himself or throwing up all day like me..neither was his other woman....why the hell should I fall apart if they were fine. Screw that! My kids need a mother...and I NEED ME!

I worked out today and ate. One small step for me, but a giant leap for BETRAYED woman everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(watch tomorrow I'm depressed and crying again..lol)

hang in there cali...cut yourself a freaking break!

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 1:03am
Hi Cali, I am new to this board, but feel for you so much after reading this post. I agree with the others, you have *got* to stop reading his W's posts on the other board!! I'm sure things are not nearly as great as she is making them out to be. Also, I urge you to try the no contact. I am almost at one month NC with my MM. As hard as it is, it does give you a feeling of empowerment and control to know that you can do it, that you CAN make it without him. Let him wonder what you are up to (trust me, he will!). Above all, take care of yourself. Do something you enjoy, whether it's reading a tabloid, watching a favorite old movie, or going shopping for yourself. You deserve it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 1:51pm
Cali,

I too am new to this board. My A ended just 36 hours ago (yep I'm still counting the time in hours). The A came out in the open with my H and his W 5weeks ago. My marriage was over that day.... my H moved out.... it was a relief for me as my marriage has been dying a slow painful death for 3 years. My XMM told his wife that day that he told me it was over, and then we continued on as usual for 5 weeks. 2 days ago I got mad enough to tell him that I was tired of sneaking around and that if he could not park in my driveway and use my front door to come see me that we had to end it. I was made enough to do this after I read the birthday card he had given his W this weekend which read... "to an incredible wife, a wonderful mother, and a fabulous woman, love always".... that was a wake up call.

Cali, I feel like we're soulmates because even though I pushed him to saying the words "it's over" I am completely obsessed. I have sent him probably 7 emails in the last 36 hours.... I can't know if he reads them, but I keep on sending them... hoping and wishing. To make matters worse my closest friends and sister believed that "he was the one for me", he is everything I have hoped for.... but he believes he needs to stay in his marriage for his son, and do whatever he needs to do to pretend he's happy.... I feel like "I'm FREAKING BEYOND help" as well. Help! I have the stomach flu today because I have not eaten, slept or taken care of myself... I'm so sick and sad that I can barely get out of bed to care for my 3 beautiful girls.

Delrilchl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:03pm
You are so right. I am torturing myself. I realize this but want to know why I am doing it. You have also hit the nail on the head about him and his wife laughing at me. I knwo he talks in length about me to her. That was another issue I had with him. Plus it is very weird that you would talk to your wife about your OW and even tell her that you loved her etc. I didn't understand nor still don't understand their relationship. If I was his wife that would hurt me and I wouldn't want to be with him but yet they still stick by each others side. I know she has listened to voicemails I have left him on the phone she has told me. I am sure he has sent her copies of my e-mails because he has sent me copies of her e-mails. So I knwo he plays both of us. I do feel like they are tag teaming me and laughing. Like I said I know she knows I am reading the post so part of her is posting stuff that will hurt me. He has told her not to post anything about him on the board but she makes sure to post when they do things together. I admit I am obsessed with him and her like you said. I am not thinking baout me. Right now I feel there is no me. I have lost myself and can't find myself. I have never had an obsession unless you count choclate so am not sure how to get over this.

Thank you for the support

Cali~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:08pm
I need lots of hugs thanks. As far as blocking access well my mom has threatened to havemy bro come over and unplug my keyboard so I can't get on. But then I couldn't check e-mail either. My mom is coming into town in Dec and will be staying here. Not only will she be on her own computer so tying up my phone line so I can't get on but will be watching if I get on her boards and I am sure amking me get off. But it is going to be hard to not check her boards and I am sure will cause me high anxiety. Not sure how to combat that feeling.

I know he is not worth this but I don't feel that good about myself either.

Cali~

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