Am I just FREAKING BEYOND help????
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| Mon, 11-24-2003 - 10:50pm |
Ok so you all know I have a problem (self admitted) about reading my XMM's W's post on her other boards. Well today she bragged about things they were doing to gether this weekend that him and I were suppose to do. I am so sick to my stomach and want to cry. Ok so he bowls(that should have told me what a loser he is) and he bowls in tournaments. there was one this weekend and when he wanted to come back this last time he left a messgae about how this was coming up and he needed me there. This was something we did together I supported him and went to all of them. His stupid wife never took intrest until now. He took her. The first day they even got a sitter so it was just the two of them. I am so sick they are starting to do things together like this, family pics and the stupid holidays coming up. I know what everyone wants to say QUIT reading the boards. I know it is an addiction I need to get past.
My question is why do I continue to torture myself? I keep looking and know that I will see things that are going to hurt me so why do I allow this? Will I ever be able to know they are doing things together and not hurt? This whole thing is making me so sick. He makes me sick that he can just discard me and I made his marriage better with his darn wife. I am so sick that he is happy. I know people keep saying he really isn't but I really believe he is and I am a faded memory that mean't nothing. I gave my all to this man. In 28 yrs I have never done that before and I have even been married before. I also just called and left him a nasty message. He will ignore it as he has been ignorign me for weeks now and having wonderful outtings with his wife.
I am so sorry for this vent. I thought I was getting better. This has knocked me down bad. And I have to get strength to go to work tomorrow. Just when I started making myself eat and wanted to get better. I am hurting so much.
Am I to far gone? Will I ever be able to get it together?
In misery
Cali~

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Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
Oh how I want you to quit doing this to yourself. You are to good to let this man effect you in this way. I know you are addicted to reading the boards where his wife posts but I hope you find the strength to stop. It is only hurting you. Maybe you should get away from the computer. I wish there was a way that you could block your access to that board. It really is torture like you said and you don't deserve it. And I highly doubt that all is well in his marriage. And if it is as "great " as she says then let them have at it. You deserve better than that and I know that in your heart you know that!! Now girl you have got to start eating and taking care of yourself. If I could send you just part of my huge appetite (I unfortunately eat TOO MUCH when I'm depressed) you would be back on your feet. You need to eat for the energy, you need the energy to get up and get moving and you need to get moving to start living life again and moving towards your happiness. You are going to make it Cali!!
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige
Your fine, You will be HAPPY again... JUST CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY!!!! Tell yourself you meant alot to this man.. HE will ALWAYS think of you!! Leave now...with the knowledge that all of it meant something... FOR you it meant that your far to valuable to give your life up to this man.. who does not, and cannot, love you the way you deserve. IS this the way you want to be loved.. In the 10 minutes or hour he can spare for you... do you want to watch your chest rise in fall..in sync with his fleeting emotions? BE your own PERSON! I can tell you are a beautiful complex person.. BE you, be special, don't stand in the shadows anymore... waiting for him to notice you... YOU will haunt him the rest of his days, I'm sure... Be confident it was all for a reason... Be confident that you are going to use this experience to grow as a person.
MY suggestions::: stop reading his W posts.. don't let her control you too....Would you want to be her? HELL NO!!!
Give yourself a SPA day!! Or at least a 60 min. Massage.. Empty your mind of everything.... YOGA is awesome... NOT for everyone I realize BUT very awesome...
And Give yourself a HUG from me... you are one of a kind... BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!!
KATJA
Lostit
None of us on this board are beyond help....The only way we could be beyond help would be if we were dead. From what I gather you have a pulse and are able to use the computer, so do I...so right there we are not beyond help.
STOP STOP STOP looking at his wife's post. I know telling you that is like telling you to stop breathing. But it is like you are hurting yourself, stabbing yourself every time you look at her posts. If they were so happy then why would he go outside the marriage like he did? Give me a break! And even if they are happy now, mazel tov to them...you don't want him. You want to go on with your life and find a man that can give you 100 percent...not a man that is going to cowardly go back to his wife and ignore you after all that you two shared...or a man that doesn't care that you were in the hospital. Screw him! You deserve better, why can't you see that?????!!!
Someone asked me today if I were ever going to succumb to OM again if he were to beg for forgiveness...and the answer to that is HELL NO!!!!!! He had been given so many chances, and he screwed up every chance. I see him for who he really is right now. I am done! done! done! I'm tired of being his doormat, don't you feel the same way? This man didn't do right by you....screw HIM! Maybe I'm angrier then you are and that is what is helping me..I'm not sure. Of course I find myself wondering if he is still with the other woman, if he is miserable, close to being homeless , etc......Then I remember what he has done to me, how much he has hurt me and I say WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!! And another thing...each time he makes contact, whether it be his stupid a$$ letter, or his making my phone ring, and I do not respond..that is EMPOWERMENT for me! It feels good.
Let this guy go bowling with his wife, who gives a $hit! Yanno, when i was feeling the worse of it I realized that he wasn't starving himself or throwing up all day like me..neither was his other woman....why the hell should I fall apart if they were fine. Screw that! My kids need a mother...and I NEED ME!
I worked out today and ate. One small step for me, but a giant leap for BETRAYED woman everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(watch tomorrow I'm depressed and crying again..lol)
hang in there cali...cut yourself a freaking break!
Jazzdiva
I too am new to this board. My A ended just 36 hours ago (yep I'm still counting the time in hours). The A came out in the open with my H and his W 5weeks ago. My marriage was over that day.... my H moved out.... it was a relief for me as my marriage has been dying a slow painful death for 3 years. My XMM told his wife that day that he told me it was over, and then we continued on as usual for 5 weeks. 2 days ago I got mad enough to tell him that I was tired of sneaking around and that if he could not park in my driveway and use my front door to come see me that we had to end it. I was made enough to do this after I read the birthday card he had given his W this weekend which read... "to an incredible wife, a wonderful mother, and a fabulous woman, love always".... that was a wake up call.
Cali, I feel like we're soulmates because even though I pushed him to saying the words "it's over" I am completely obsessed. I have sent him probably 7 emails in the last 36 hours.... I can't know if he reads them, but I keep on sending them... hoping and wishing. To make matters worse my closest friends and sister believed that "he was the one for me", he is everything I have hoped for.... but he believes he needs to stay in his marriage for his son, and do whatever he needs to do to pretend he's happy.... I feel like "I'm FREAKING BEYOND help" as well. Help! I have the stomach flu today because I have not eaten, slept or taken care of myself... I'm so sick and sad that I can barely get out of bed to care for my 3 beautiful girls.
Delrilchl
Thank you for the support
Cali~
I know he is not worth this but I don't feel that good about myself either.
Cali~
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