Am I nuts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Am I nuts?
8
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 7:18pm
ok. My A is about to come to an end. The MM wants to have a go at it with the wife, and says he cant keep this up anymore because of his kids. We have a great time together, talk easilly and I think genuinely love eachother, but he cant go on with it. We are thinking to get "together" one last time, and I almost think I need to do that to put some sort of closure to it. I dont want to get blasted from anyone for doing this, but am wondering if I am wrong in thinking this, or if I will just get screwed up even more?? How do you walk away from this, without feeling totally empty and alone???? Has anyone thought like this, or I am just acting in desperation???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: greeneyed7
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 7:43pm

"How do you walk away from this, without feeling totally empty and alone???? Has anyone thought like this, or I am just acting in desperation???"


My opinion is that you want to get layed "one more time"

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
In reply to: greeneyed7
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:11pm
Well, you may be absolutely right, and I respect your opinion to call it as you see it. I have just started to read these messageboards and do realize that everyone ends up feeling the same way in these A's. But that is why I am here, as maybe I need someone who has been there to kick me up the butt, and tell me to get my head on straight.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: greeneyed7
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:45pm
Strap yourself in, Green, you will experience some turbulance. Sealtbelt on? Chairs & trays in upright position? Good, prepare for take-off...

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He's made his decision and you are not it. Move on, there's nothing left to see here, folks.

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Whatever great times you had do not measure up to the real life time he spends with his wife & family.

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Um, I talk to total strangers easily, I've been known to banter happily with my cats & my not quite 2yr old DD. Green, you may be able to talk about many things, but his wife is the one who knows who he really is rather than the man who exists strictly within the confines of the carefully constucted fantasy affair bubble.

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His choices and his actions state rather plainly he loves his wife & family since it is his choice to remain grounded in reality where his wife & family exist.

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He can, Green, he has simply chosen not to do so. He has decided where his priorities lay and if you have any love for him at all, then you have no choice but to respect his wishes.

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There are very few clean cut, tidy endings to an affair simply because affairs are neither clean cut nor tidy. You therefore have to obtain your own sense of closure and you don't need anyone's permission to obtain that. All it requires is a conscious decision to end it. The end. No more. Finito. The affair is dying on it's feet, Green, relationships which cannot flourish are almost always doomed to a slow agonising death such as the one you are witnessing. A swift mercy killing or wringing every last ounce of pain & misery from it as possibe are both options. Those who wring it out and refuse to let go are the ones who seem to suffer the most. It's your affair, Green, so you choose the method of it's ultimate demise.

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You'll most likely be screwed up even more, but it's exceedingly unlikely anyone will be able to persuade you to not do something you so obviously want to do. It's your affair's funeral, Green, only you can decide what type of wood the casket is made from and the music that will be played there.

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You don't. There is no quick-fix. It hurts & it's painful and you just do it. One foot in front of the other, rinse & repeat. You pick your focus *ahead* of you and you refuse to look back until you are far enough away from it all that you are able to begin to learn from your mistakes. It hurts, so brace yourself. Just know that it's not a permanent state, it does gradually get better, the pain eases in both frequency & intensity. You eventually notice that you watched an entire television programme without thinking of him once for the whole of that one hour period. As tiny a thing as that may sound, Green, it's a significant achievement when you get even that far along.

The affair itself is an attempted quick-fix remedy for filling whatever is missing inside of YOU. And believe it or not, YOU are the only one who can fill that void. Having an affair takes your mind off what's missing (your void) and it allows you to feel good for awhile, but then at some point there is the inevitable associated affair hangover. So-called "hair of the dog" is another temporary quick-fix and that affair hangover only ever gets worse with each further application of "hair of the dog."

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I think everyone probably has the fantasy of the perfect ending. Sadly, our affair partners don't tend to follow whatever scripts we provide. To be honest, I've yet to read a happy ending to an affair, but maybe someone will share their happy ending story here on your thread, I'd love to read it. Happy endings generally tend to happen long afterwards, once you begin to accept and come to terms with the end of the affair.

Lastly, a question for you, Green, how would you answer this:-

What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?

Once you work that one out, you're golden.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: greeneyed7
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:42pm
I think I'm the opposite of wanting one last go at it before it ended. Mine just ended this morning, (knowing last night that it was a possibility) and all I wanted was to know and if it was over, to not see him again. Well he came to my house, ended things, cried, we hugged for a long long time and kissed goodbye, and would have been a lot less painful if he just would've told me over the phone!!! I say don't do it. Why add one more memory to grieve over? Just cut to the chase. Get it done. I know, a lot easier said than done.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: greeneyed7
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:34pm
Hiya Pal,

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Go, Pal!

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Sadly if we hang around waiting on permission from our affair partners to end it, we may never get it. Then what? Another 6mos worth of "just one more times" racked up before you know it and more of your life spent spinning your wheels on something that ain't likely to happen. And another 6mos makes a year, 2yrs, 5yrs...etc.

You have as much right to choose to end the affair as the affair partner does. So choose. There's your closure. I ended it, so it's closed. Full stop. Period. Done.

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Yes, it probably would have been a lot less painful had it simply been done over the phone but you did do it in person and this is part of your reality now. Do you think you'd have listened if anyone had told you it was a bad idea? I know I wouldn't have.

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Having done it, you wish you hadn't.

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Truer words never spoken. They say smart people learn from their mistakes and smarter people learn from others' mistakes. Let's hope someone will learn something from you, Pal.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: greeneyed7
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:35pm
Green

The problem with one last blast is it usually is never the last blast it just leads to the next one, and the reality is he has told you that he is not leaving his wife for you, so the future last blasts will be nothing but a booty call for him, do you want to be a booty call for a married man that just wants to spend that little extra lust he has stored up this month.

If you got the grit to hang around here you may very well get that butt kicking but you will also meet some very supportive folks ladies and gents a like.

Jmho

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
In reply to: greeneyed7
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 4:37pm
I posted this message and afterwards thought that I would get a blasting. But, after reading tons of messages last night and today, I do realize that cold turkey is probably the only way to go. Absolutely right, we do it once more, it wont stop there, it will be again and again and again. My H and I are seperating so maybe I am just trying to hang on to something to make myself feel "wanted", which I shouldnt be doing either. Time to get strong and get my own self sorted out, rather than hanging around. And i certainly dont want this MM to keep me from starting other relationships. I know some of you who have been around for some time get upset with us 'rookies' for even considering one last time, but I have to say, thanks to your blunt and truthful comments, I can see what I need to do to have this over with and get on with it. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: greeneyed7
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 5:04pm
Green

We don't get upset we just Pretend to be upset ;-)

Cold turkey really is the only proven way out of this.

Good luck

Free