Am I nuts?
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Am I nuts?
| Fri, 11-05-2004 - 7:18pm |
ok. My A is about to come to an end. The MM wants to have a go at it with the wife, and says he cant keep this up anymore because of his kids. We have a great time together, talk easilly and I think genuinely love eachother, but he cant go on with it. We are thinking to get "together" one last time, and I almost think I need to do that to put some sort of closure to it. I dont want to get blasted from anyone for doing this, but am wondering if I am wrong in thinking this, or if I will just get screwed up even more?? How do you walk away from this, without feeling totally empty and alone???? Has anyone thought like this, or I am just acting in desperation???

"How do you walk away from this, without feeling totally empty and alone???? Has anyone thought like this, or I am just acting in desperation???"
My opinion is that you want to get layed "one more time"
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He's made his decision and you are not it. Move on, there's nothing left to see here, folks.
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Whatever great times you had do not measure up to the real life time he spends with his wife & family.
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Um, I talk to total strangers easily, I've been known to banter happily with my cats & my not quite 2yr old DD. Green, you may be able to talk about many things, but his wife is the one who knows who he really is rather than the man who exists strictly within the confines of the carefully constucted fantasy affair bubble.
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His choices and his actions state rather plainly he loves his wife & family since it is his choice to remain grounded in reality where his wife & family exist.
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He can, Green, he has simply chosen not to do so. He has decided where his priorities lay and if you have any love for him at all, then you have no choice but to respect his wishes.
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There are very few clean cut, tidy endings to an affair simply because affairs are neither clean cut nor tidy. You therefore have to obtain your own sense of closure and you don't need anyone's permission to obtain that. All it requires is a conscious decision to end it. The end. No more. Finito. The affair is dying on it's feet, Green, relationships which cannot flourish are almost always doomed to a slow agonising death such as the one you are witnessing. A swift mercy killing or wringing every last ounce of pain & misery from it as possibe are both options. Those who wring it out and refuse to let go are the ones who seem to suffer the most. It's your affair, Green, so you choose the method of it's ultimate demise.
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You'll most likely be screwed up even more, but it's exceedingly unlikely anyone will be able to persuade you to not do something you so obviously want to do. It's your affair's funeral, Green, only you can decide what type of wood the casket is made from and the music that will be played there.
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You don't. There is no quick-fix. It hurts & it's painful and you just do it. One foot in front of the other, rinse & repeat. You pick your focus *ahead* of you and you refuse to look back until you are far enough away from it all that you are able to begin to learn from your mistakes. It hurts, so brace yourself. Just know that it's not a permanent state, it does gradually get better, the pain eases in both frequency & intensity. You eventually notice that you watched an entire television programme without thinking of him once for the whole of that one hour period. As tiny a thing as that may sound, Green, it's a significant achievement when you get even that far along.
The affair itself is an attempted quick-fix remedy for filling whatever is missing inside of YOU. And believe it or not, YOU are the only one who can fill that void. Having an affair takes your mind off what's missing (your void) and it allows you to feel good for awhile, but then at some point there is the inevitable associated affair hangover. So-called "hair of the dog" is another temporary quick-fix and that affair hangover only ever gets worse with each further application of "hair of the dog."
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I think everyone probably has the fantasy of the perfect ending. Sadly, our affair partners don't tend to follow whatever scripts we provide. To be honest, I've yet to read a happy ending to an affair, but maybe someone will share their happy ending story here on your thread, I'd love to read it. Happy endings generally tend to happen long afterwards, once you begin to accept and come to terms with the end of the affair.
Lastly, a question for you, Green, how would you answer this:-
What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?
Once you work that one out, you're golden.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
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Go, Pal!
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Sadly if we hang around waiting on permission from our affair partners to end it, we may never get it. Then what? Another 6mos worth of "just one more times" racked up before you know it and more of your life spent spinning your wheels on something that ain't likely to happen. And another 6mos makes a year, 2yrs, 5yrs...etc.
You have as much right to choose to end the affair as the affair partner does. So choose. There's your closure. I ended it, so it's closed. Full stop. Period. Done.
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Yes, it probably would have been a lot less painful had it simply been done over the phone but you did do it in person and this is part of your reality now. Do you think you'd have listened if anyone had told you it was a bad idea? I know I wouldn't have.
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Having done it, you wish you hadn't.
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Truer words never spoken. They say smart people learn from their mistakes and smarter people learn from others' mistakes. Let's hope someone will learn something from you, Pal.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
The problem with one last blast is it usually is never the last blast it just leads to the next one, and the reality is he has told you that he is not leaving his wife for you, so the future last blasts will be nothing but a booty call for him, do you want to be a booty call for a married man that just wants to spend that little extra lust he has stored up this month.
If you got the grit to hang around here you may very well get that butt kicking but you will also meet some very supportive folks ladies and gents a like.
Jmho
Free
We don't get upset we just Pretend to be upset ;-)
Cold turkey really is the only proven way out of this.
Good luck
Free