Am I the only one to torture myself?
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Am I the only one to torture myself?
| Wed, 06-16-2010 - 12:12pm |
Good grief. I really am trying to work
| Wed, 06-16-2010 - 12:12pm |
Good grief. I really am trying to work
Alwayst,
I was doing this too for a while. Looking at his facebook page as well as youtube videos of him training people. I would try to concentrate on the things I didn't like about him only to realize there wasn't anything I didn't like about him. I found that by doing this I was only hurting myself. Iddy told me to give myself 3 weeks to try to break the habit, that was 3 weeks ago and I haven't looked since. It hasn't been very hard and when I feel the urge, I come to EAS instead. I know it's hard and oh so tempting, but you already know the right thing to do, it's just a matter of taking a stand and deciding that in order to heal and stay the course you have to have the will power to stay away from viewing his photos. Some people here feel it's important to face the triggers head on and I agree, but only if they are triggers that can't be helped. You can help yourself on this one!! Out of sight, out of mind is what works for me. I hope you feel better soon.
Love, AAI
Alwayst2...you are not the only one to torture yourself this way, but you know you are the only one who can stop causing this pain.
I won't go back, yet there is a part of me that's still hanging on to, to, ...what??? I don't know. I am letting go, slowly but surely. I know this process has a mind--and pace--of its own and I'm just riding out the waves. Still NC and no plans to break it. I'm just getting past the 3 or 4 week mark (I honestly don't know without looking at my calendar) and this is the longest we haven't corresponded since we began the A. If I can hang in there a week or two longer, I know I will be alright. Actually, I already know I'll be alright. :) I trust the wise ones on this board who told me so.
I'm just riding out this low. That's all.
Oh yes, we've all been there and done that. I wrote an entry on my blog called "Touching the Hot Stove." We know it's hot, yet we touch it just to make sure and then we are surprised when we get burned. So it's on us to STOP touching the hot stove. No good can come of it. It only reopens the wounds and then you may have hours/days/weeks where you feel like a brand new ender again. Only you can stop the madness and in time you will. Hang in there.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Oh Always... it is MADNESS (as Jane said!) Only we can stop the madness, but I feel your pain. I really do... here I am at 108 days NC...and somehow I still tend to self torture myself!!! I am not on the "quick" road to recovery. I feel as though I am wading through quick sand some days. I am staying strong, I am working so hard to work through these feelings. Some days I feel so free and other days when I am feeling down...I somehow make myself feel lower by this torture!!! It is so frustrating, but then I remember I am here...I am still here, gaining wisdom and still in NC after 3... not 2 anymore...3 fishing attempts!!!
My best friend (the one who knows about this) reminded me today that it took 7 years to be at this stage...it will not fix itself in 108 days. She sees that I am stronger, I am not making contact, I am functioning at work, not crying all the time, and I am healing. She says I am too hard on myself and truly feels that I need to forgive myself or I will not heal... that is what I am focusing on.
Know you are not alone with the torture...but know that WE are the only ones who can stop it. believe you are worth ending the pain for good...that is what I am trying to do. Huge hugs to you Always... stay strong and believe this will get better.
Always,
I'm forcing myself not to look at his picture - see my post about slight setback.