up and downs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
up and downs
4
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 10:09am

So here I am day 8 NC and I have been doing more reading than I care to, making pros and cons lists, thinking about how and why i got into a 2plus year A. With that being said, I was hit yesterday by some family drama that seems to have set me back. I continue to struggle with my past of people only seeming to love me if there's something they need otherwise I’m ignored.  This surprisingly left me realing in pain and obsessing over xAP. Chasing and being the giver are what seems normal to me. i equate love with the chase I guess but why can't I be like some who see a situation for what it is and move on? I started thinking of how I could call him and what I could say. I wonder if having him in my life PT is better than not at all...if i had just kept my mouth closed and kept my insecurities hidden we'd still be friends at least. I don't know I have the strenghth not to answer if he calls. I will want to hear what he has to say. How do you love yourself, begin to learn what's acceptable and move on?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 1:20pm
8 days?! You are doing great so far. As for being the type to just move on...I think that is a rare thing. I am months out and NC, but I haven't moved on yet. A 7 year A here. Not so easy to just move on. You have to learn to love yourself. Do for you. Do what you like to do. Get the pattern? lol It's all about you. ' Good luck...you are doing great so far!!!!

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 1:21pm

duplicate

 

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 7:13pm

Evening, Time :)

Those pesky ups and downs...we can all relate.  The ending is as much of emotional roller coaster as was the affair itself.  Difference is, this ride eventually ends. I tell everyone to just accept your ticket, climb aboard, strap yourself and go for the ride. And don't be a showoff by letting go and waving your arms...we don't want to lose you :D   It's all a part of the process.  

And, see what's going on in NC?  You're already getting clear.  You're doing some reading, and I'm sure you are learning...and you are doing some heavy duty introspection.  The things you talk about are familar patterns to many.  These are the ideas and thoughts you can bring to the table in the therapist's office...I hope you are really considering making time for this.  I've seen people grow by leaps and bounds once they hit the couch.  Me? I felt better the second I made the appointment because I was being proactive in my recovery, and I knew that things could only get better.  And it's important to know, too, that you may have to shop around for a therapist with whom you feel comfortable...I had to go through just two to find the right therapist.

It's perfectly normal to start to bargain when we are experiencing withdrawals...for 'just a little PTiming/a small hit of the crack pipe/just a little chipping with the needle, but you know it doesn't work that way...it's only a matter of time before your back in it full time mentally/smoking the crack all the time/mainlining.  If you feel weakness should he call, then perform the most loving act towards yourself...block every avenue of communication.  If you've been just sitting, hoping and praying that he calls, your only impeding your healing.

Try to build on the fact that you are doing the right thing now- for you, your marriage, your spouse, your child.  You want to look in the mirror and be proud of who you see, and you can be proud when you are living an honest life...a life with integrity.  

The Man In The Glass 
Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr. (1934) 
 
When you get what you want in your struggle for self, and the world makes you king for a day, just go to the mirror and look at yourself and see what that man has to say. 

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife whose judgment upon you must pass. The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the one staring back from the glass. 

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest - for he’s with you clear to the end. And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test if the man in the glass is your friend. 

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years and get pats on the back as you pass. But your final reward will be heartache and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass. 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2014
Sun, 06-15-2014 - 1:10pm

Hi there - I too have been in a 8 yr A.  I became clingy and feeling insecure - I said I needed some time - NC is so hard and like u said 7yrs is a long time.  Thanks for posting what u did...