And there it is....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
And there it is....
13
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 10:59am

Feeling the hurt right in the gut today. Day 10 NC. Was cruising along very nicely over this past week and a half. BUT, I knew it would be coming at some point. Today is the day. I find myself bargaining....thinking maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe we can hook up every couple months and I can be just fine with that. It's hurting a little bit in my heart, too. And I think I miss him.

It is interesting, this bargaining part. I didn't feel that the first two times I tried to end it. I think it's because I am actually fully commited to ending it this time and bargaining is part of the grieving/healing process. I never got to the bargaining part the past two times because I went back before I could reach that point of the grieving stage.

I am not going to cave in, I promise. It really would not be okay to see him again. And yes, it really was that bad. So I am going to sit with these feeling and let them pass as i know they will.

We all struggle, my friends. Even the veteran enders. :)

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 11:52am

Alwayst,

I haven"t figured out a way to go back and read old posts yet but I remember you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 12:15pm

Alwayst-

Ah, the bargaining stage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 1:21pm

I really appreciate your advice, Dee. The bargaining is new for me. You are right in that I am having some pretty strange conversations with myself!! If you could hear what's inside my head, you'd be slapping the bat sh*t crazy right out of me!!

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 2:26pm

((((((Always)))))))))

Im with you in spirit

What did you HATE about the A and the Xap?

Remember the times you sat waiting for a call?

Remember what it was like to hold your breath for the next..."interlude"?

Ohhh wait! I know! The "bargainer"

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 2:50pm

Alwayst, nothing to add to the words of the wise women before me.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 3:27pm
Hey Michelle, I was going to send you an email but can't find it on your profile. Of course, I can't find anything now that the boards have changed!!! Can you email me from my profile?
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 3:48pm

doing that now, darling! :)

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 6:45pm
((( Hugs Always )))

One of the very last conversations i had with xMM he was begging me to stay as his Best Friend. Do you know how I responded? I laughed out loud. These full belly laughs. Tears streamed down my face. In that moment, literally in that moment, I could see CLEARLY. I could see how F*cked up the situation was, and how delusional he was.

Before I walked out, I managed to get out "you're going to be MY best friend? Do you know what I expect of a (best) friend? You haven't even been my friend in this affair, I haven't been yours, and now we are going to be BEST FRIENDS?!!?"

I was so overwhelmed with the compromises he was trying to make ... I felt sickened by his "well, let's just try .... or we can STILL blah blah blah"

let's just think of some basic/minimal things I expect of a friend that I didn't get from XMM: accessibility/availability, reciprocation & continuity (like they aren't going to disappear on me), commitment, predictability, expectations/met expectations, communication, growth, boundaries (i allowed him to cross mine repeatedly) ...

you get the point - ain't no friendship going on there.

And you know, there is nothing you have lost. NOTHING. There is nothing worth going back for. I know you "know" this; however do you BELIEVE this? Are you still holding on to the fantasy? Why are you imagining time with him ... the fantasy is done, over, dead. It never was, nor will ever be, something. Once you make HIM a non-option, truly a NON-OPTION, then you will let go of wondering how things could be different. You will stop looking back and outward, and inward and forward. You will start to make choices that will make your present day & real life the only places you want to be.

YOU WILL RUN HEAD ON INTO YOUR LIFE INSTEAD OF AWAY.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 7:21pm

Hi alwayst2,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts today on bargaining, I felt that way two weeks ago today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 7:32pm
yes Jen!

Please post - you've got much to offer us and us you (-:

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