And there it is....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
And there it is....
13
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 10:59am

Feeling the hurt right in the gut today. Day 10 NC. Was cruising along very nicely over this past week and a half. BUT, I knew it would be coming at some point. Today is the day. I find myself bargaining....thinking maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe we can hook up every couple months and I can be just fine with that. It's hurting a little bit in my heart, too. And I think I miss him.

It is interesting, this bargaining part. I didn't feel that the first two times I tried to end it. I think it's because I am actually fully commited to ending it this time and bargaining is part of the grieving/healing process. I never got to the bargaining part the past two times because I went back before I could reach that point of the grieving stage.

I am not going to cave in, I promise. It really would not be okay to see him again. And yes, it really was that bad. So I am going to sit with these feeling and let them pass as i know they will.

We all struggle, my friends. Even the veteran enders. :)

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 8:39pm
It's very difficult to describe my feelings right now. Trust me when I say I am done with it. I don't want to go back. The only thing I wish was different is that I wish I never would have agreed to go home with him that first night when we saw each other again after 20 years. I wish I would have left it at the restaurant.

What am I imagining? Good question. I am just remembering some of the nicer moments. We were LD so we only saw each other four times in that year span, although we emailed/texted/phoned throughout. We never fought. We always laughed or flirted or f""ed ourselves silly when we were physically together. We never professed anything more than fondness for one another, so this was not a "love" affair as so many women here have experienced. It was a fantasy for both of us, seeing each other again after 20 years, thinking we deserved to be naughty again, for old time's sake. Yuck. How freaking immature and selfish was that thought process??

TU, please keep sending me these great words of advice. Yes, I do believe it is over. In fact, without a doubt I know it's over. I am not and don't want to be that woman again. I actually became needy and found myself waiting all day for an email from him. I vowed to myself in the beginning that I would always remain aloof, so I very rarely initiated contact. Then, as his grew less frequent, I broke and started emailing him first. A couple weeks ago I sent him an email because we were planning a rendezvous later this month. He responded, we decided on the weekend that would work for both of us, then I sent him a flirty little message and he didn't respond back. It was a week later that he finally responded and by that time, I thought WTF?? I'm not going to freakin do this any more. That's when it became clear that we were nothing more than f*** friends. I wasn't looking for a life with him, but I did want that same level of hot pursuit and attention. It had faded. And I became pathetic inside. That's when I just really realized that the A wasn't "fun" any more and I really didn't like what I had become. I had become pathetic and needy. I would rather die than have someone think I am pathetic, kwim?

Anyway, didn't mean to write a novel. But the bottom line is I do not want to go back to that situation. Yes, I still like thinking about the more tender times (why, I don't quite know), but I am also trying to figure out what it is I was looking for.

TU, you are so right about running head on into my life. I chuckled because I actually started running about 8 weeks ago. Really, physically running!! I've never been a runner in my whole life and I just completed my first 5k two weeks ago. Talk about a feeling of accomplishment!! (Although the feat was tainted because I was thinking of him the whole time and couldn't wait to tell him.) In an ironic way, running that race--even while thinking of him--gave me an incredible amount of mental strength. I was capable of doing something I never thought in all my 48 years that I could do. And I did it. This newfound mental strength (and more therapy and EAS) is going to get me through this. I have no doubt. We can all do what we set our minds to do because it's truly our minds that are the strongest parts of ourselves. Heart and body will follow what the mind tells it.

Ok. Done rambling....hugs to you.

~alwayst2
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 8:43pm
Jen, so glad I could help you out in a small way. It has always helped me to post and offer others advice--even if I didn't always follow my own!! Like Dee said earlier, I think the bargaining is the worst part because at this point, you already know that you are done but a little bit of you is still trying to strike a deal. Like Dee said, it's like two opposing voices are having a tug-o-war in your head. Congratulations on ending it for good. We are so much better off now. I believe you, too, will be successful this time.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 9:56pm

Hi alwayst2,

Congratulations to you as well for your ending for good and you didn't help me just a small bit you helped me in a huge way.

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