Anger
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| Sun, 03-07-2010 - 11:04am |
At a little over a month NC, I've managed to avoid being angry with xap. I've been angry that we allowed the situation to escalate, and I've been very angry with myself for being so stupid, vulnerable, pathetic and careless. But today, for the first time, I am really angry with him. I know I can't be angry with him without being angry at myself, and believe me, I am angry with myself, but right now I am also angry with him for:
the broken promises... the "someday" he always alluded to
saying just enough at just the right time to keep me hanging on
making me wait for emails, wait for calls, wait for him... I was always waiting
The whole situation just makes me sick. I became a shell of a woman. I am so embarassed about everything right now. I know these "icky" feelings will pass- this is just another phase in the recovery. I have no desire to break NC. In fact, I wish he didn't exist. I wish none of it had ever happened. I don't want to see him ever again. I don't want to feel angry, guilt, embarassed, frustrated, etc. I just want to feel happy.
Just had to vent.
Jane

Hi Jane,
Good...the anger is good...like you said, it's part of the recovery...and a sign you are heading in the right direction. I switch from anger to hurt/sadness/ back to anger again. Whatever works from me groveling back to him - I'm going to use it and try to stay angry for awhile...at least until I get my behavior under control.
The "waiting" is awful, isn't it? I HATED how needy I became and dependent I was on waiting for him to call, text, make plans, always making me an OPTION when I moved heaven and earth to make our encounters happen. It makes me so sick to my stomach that I let myself be treated that way. Every mood I had was dependent on what he said/did/didn't say/didn't do.
We have a lot to be angry about! Vent anytime!!
xoxo,
Misty
Hi Jane,
The anger....we all can relate to this thread. I still have angry days and it does lessen with intensity over time. Its good to be angry but I must warn you, its very exhausting so try not to get too caught up in it.
The wait- YES do I ever know this. It was always waiting to hear from him, waiting for him to come over, waiting for the emails and texts and the "oh baby just wait until my deployment is over", wait until my bills are paid off, wait till we move in together. I spend most of our 4 year relation waiting....waiting for my life to happen(what I thought). Ive never been very good at the waiting game ,still not to this day. Just thinking about how much time ive wasted on him and waiting on my life to start and happiness to be declared mine makes me angry and sick at the same time.
Do you exercise at all Jane? I think running is a perfect way to get the anger out in a healthy way, because lets face it, venting about it sometimes isnt enough. Be angry and release it in a positive way....trust me youll feel better.
DM
Hey Jane,
I was beginning to wonder if you would ever reach a point of anger over anything about your A. I spent several weeks being angry, that was after the initial blaming myself for the whole thing. I started a couple of discussion threads about being so angry with my XAP. I identify with your posts so much of the time, yet I never saw any expression of anger. Well, welcome to the club!!
I completely understand about the "someday" you write about. I hung onto that for way too long. And the planning my entire life around him! Always making myself available for when he might call. All those unnecessary "shopping trips" just so I would be alone on a weekend in case he might call. What a waste of my precious time! I could've been doing something so much more productive, or even just enjoying myself. I wish I could have back the countless hours I wasted during those three years. It makes me sick too!
It's OK to be angry, Jane. You're right, it's a part of our healing. In a way, I think it's healthy, for me anyway, because it it helps me strengthen my resolve to never, ever go back. Thanks for venting. Those vents help me stay strong.
CSN
Thanks to those who replied. I know so many of us are struggling with this roller coaster of emotions. I had to vent and I appreciate the opportunity to do so in this safe forum.
CSN- I wondered too when I would get angry (and not just at myself, because I've done plenty of that the past 39 days). And I think seeing my H so angry one day when I came home, really helped drive the point home. He said to me "how can someone just come into my marriage, take what is most precious to me, and not suffer any repercussions?" It was a defining moment for me as I looked into my H's eyes and saw the pain and the anger. And the most humbling part about it was that he wanted to protect me from the anger. He wanted me to know that he wasn't angry with me but with my xap. After my H repeatedly warned him to stay away from me, my xap did not and the A went on much longer than it should have as a result.
On the flip side, I realize that xap did not make me act this way- it's all on me and I am slowly getting to the root of the why. But in the meantime, it was kind of nice to feel a little anger towards xap, however fleeting- I am really good at talking myself off of the emotional ledge. I do not feel anger today, and that's ok. Today, I am embracing the safety and security of my M. I have learned so much through this experience about myself, but I've also learned that my H is the most forgiving and understanding man I've ever met. I have shown him my worst side. I have done something that I am so ashamed of and he loves me in spite of myself. The lesson this has taught me is that unconditional love within an M is as intimate as it gets. Why would I trade the safety, security and maturity of my M for a few stolen moments with xap? This is what keeps me NC. To know that I could have lost my H because of something so selfish motivates me to keep looking forward, re-devote my energy to my H and leave xap in the past.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I have learned so much through this experience about myself, but I've also learned that my H is the most forgiving and understanding man I've ever met. I have shown him my worst side. I have done something that I am so ashamed of and he loves me in spite of myself. The lesson this has taught me is that unconditional love within an M is as intimate as it gets. Why would I trade the safety, security and maturity of my M for a few stolen moments with xap?
This is good. Your anger is good. Although you both were responsible, you are right to be angry with him and so is your H. Your XAP is a threat and an enemy to your M. He is the cancer that will rip the very fiber of your security and commitment apart. Always remember that you are so lucky to have a forgiving and loving H that you have. Like you wrote, your H has seen you at your worse behaving very irresponsibly and he loves you inspite of your imperfections. M is so much deeper than any A can ever be. That is why it is so hard for ppl to leave for someone on the outside who gives them a temporary feel good. The depth of a M goes far deeper and the security of having someone whom you can be safe with far outweighs an AP.
Hi, Jane-
Anger is a natural response and you should embrace it and use it to help you recover - to motivate you to heal and move on -- however, I hope that you will let the anger flow out of you and away from you in due time. Don't hold on to it longer than you need it. Anger is a destructive force and will keep you from finding peace. Try to imagine yourself perfectly at peace. (wait a beat.....) There. See? When you are at peace there is no anger. The path to peace is forgiveness, for yourself and for all who have hurt you. You give them forgiveness not for their sake, but for yours. Don't allow the negative feelings to rent space in your head, ok?
I'm asking a lot from you at this point in your ending, but please try to keep this in mind and work towards it when you feel the time is right.
Love and kisses,
Dee