anger and affirmations

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
anger and affirmations
4
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 7:20pm

For some reason I felt a lot of anger today. Seething, wanting to scream my lungs out anger. I am mad at myself for letting the affair happen, but I couldn't stop thinking today about the incredible hyocrisy of xap. The pragmatic part of me is trying to work through it. I know the entire nature of an affair is hypocritical, but the extent to which he held me up to a standard that he was not even close to living up to makes me want to cut body parts off of him. He got angry at me once for being in the shower (upstairs with the door locked) when my ex came to get our daughter early. But he showers in the same f-ing bathroom as his wife. Making things up about me being out with men, but doing things socially with his wife. I want to call him out on all of it so badly right now. Like a giant billboard. I know he's not worth all this emotion. Just trying to vent it all out.

I did read the post in the healing library about affirmations - which helped a LOT. #6: I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacfully detach from them. (after I detach body parts). #7 A river of compassion washes away my anger and replaces it with love. #4 I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions. (not so much thoughts, but I won't take action and cut his man parts off). Sorry to any men who might be reading this.....like I said, just getting it out. I'm going to print out the list and read them in the morning when I wake up. 

Ahhhhhhhhh just wanting peace. I know it will come.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 9:30pm

Take some deep breaths there, Shindofree girl :)

I am so glad you came here to write it all out...and give it to him good :)  Anger is a part of the letting go and grieving process.  And of course, you don't want him to see you sweat. Even anger towards him would be attention, and he sounds like he thrives on any attention...even negative attention. Have you considered journalling? It saved my sanity during my ending. I bought myself a pretty journal and puked it all out on the pretty little pages. And it was helpful to be able to flip back and reread and see how far I had progressed. And it's safe, you can write out your sadness, your gladness, your disappointments, your murderous intent...safely. And being single like you I didn't have to worry about anyone finding it...well unless I died, which did cross my mind. So, if I was feeling particularly scary with my feelings and writing them down could lead the CSI team to my doorstep, I burned the pages into the Universe.  So, anger is good, as long as you don't get stuck in it. Staying stuck in the anger means you are still living in the past. Right now, in the present, your future is brighter. 

Affirmations are great!  They really work when you apply them. and use them as a Mantra.  They help keep us in the present too. 

I love your determination. There's so much good reading in our Healing Library. There's always something related to whatever phase we are in at the time.

Stay the course, stay focused on the present and keep your eyes forward.  Peace awaits you.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 11:09pm

Breathing much better now :) Funny how the waves come and go. You've got him pegged - I think he does thrive on attention, negative and positive. And though he'd never, ever admit it, he is very insecure. I journal a TON and I had to laugh, I've thought the same thing!! What I dropped dead? Guess the cat would be out of the bag then. But I'd be dead, so what do I care? (said tonuge in cheek, of course - I wouldn't want my kids to find out) I just have a boring notebook, but it's a 5 subject one, so plenty of room to write. Part of me wishes I would have kept things I wrote years ago - it would be interesting to see my reaction to reading the SAME fricking thing now.

I'll definitely keep looking at the healing library too. 

<<Stay the course, stay focused on the present and keep your eyes forward.  Peace awaits you.>> YAY. I'm adding that to my affirmations.

Thanks so much Clarity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 11:37pm

Your anger is just allowing him to STILL have power over you!  He doesn't care if you're angry......IF he knows you are, then he's laughing!  Being this angry with someone is like you swallowing poison, and expecting HIM to die!  You're living with the poison.......so let it go.  You had the smarts to end it, be glad of that, be glad you're now free of a controlling man.  You can do what you want, when you want, and not have to worry about his reaction to it.  Anger is a waste of energy and you've already wasted too much energy on this man that's not worth it.  The best revenge is to live a good life......start living it........good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 12:56pm

I know the anger allows him to still have power over me (and that makes me mad too - ha) I've allowed him to power over me in so many ways. You said I can do what I want, when I want - I know that's true and that is what I'm working SO hard on right now to believe! For 9 long, hellish years I've been accountable to a jackass that was not accountable to me. I've had no contact since my last text, so he has no idea that I'm angry. You're right, he wouldn't care. It would just feed his ego if he did know. Plugging forward one moment at a time. Today is definitely better than yesterday. Thanks Fissatore!