Anger management??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Anger management??
6
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:37pm
I've proceeded to the next(?) stage in getting over xMM. At first I was very sad after our breakup last Tues. Now I am very very angry. I began thinking today about all the crap (another word comes to mind) that xMM put me thru, all the destruction that he brought into my life, and I'm boiling over. I have never been an angry person before - my range of emotions prior to this has usually been either happy or sad or in between. But right now I feel so damn mad at him and at me for letting him do what he did b/c after all I allowed it. Sooooo, I thought, instead of emailing him b/c I am trying to maintain NC to the best of my ability, I would share why I am so angry. Here's my list.

1) He was my "friend" - he knew I was having marital problems and instead of giving me advice as a fellow married person, he got involved w/me

2) He was my mentor - and yet he went right ahead and got involved w/his intern

3) He played a huge role in my accident, the physical scars of which I will always have

4) He "cared" about me - and yet interestingly, the times when we got most intimately I was always at least tipsy

5) I miscarried his and his response was a big "well, i'm sorry about it all"; no recognition that it was sad & hurts in my heart

6) He dumped my sorry butt & gets to easily walk away w/o the emotional baggage he's left behind

7) He is a serial cheater to such an extent that I'm embarrassed just thinking about it

8) He treated me like crap & yet I lapped it up

I know that I'm an adult & I take full responsibility for my part in getting involved with him. I could have said no, but I was just too stupid to do so. I'm sorry for the venting, but it just helps me process the end of my A. Thanks for listening. Any suggestions on getting past this anger phase would be greatly appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:52pm
Blue

I happens at it's own pace don't try to manage it along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:03pm
The anger will come and go. At it's highest peak everything will irritate you, even the stranger on the street. At it's lowest point, you will feel almost zombie-like; or indifferent.

In time your level of hostility will wane, replaced with a sense of freedom that is difficult to explain, but I'll try: "No more looking over your shoulder. No more lies embedded in bigger lies. No more hiding in the shawdows. NO MORE EMOTIONAL IMPRISONMENT!

You will go through a process of redefining yourself. You will slowly recapture the old you while sculpturing a new you. The journey will result in a "better" you.

The key to managing anger is found in self-forgiveness. Once embraced, the rest is history (or should I say, HE will be.)

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:04pm
Blue,

Wish I had some great advice, cuz I'd take it myself. Believe me! I'm right there with ya! Though I am angry for other reasons (going from being "the great love of his life" to his "booty call"), I can still relate to both the anger you feel towards him AND the anger you feel towards yourself. I find myself asking more and more "What the hell is wrong with me?" Why am I allowing this to continue? Why am I allowing him to treat me like this? Why aren't I saying "Go f#@k yourself"? Again, wish I had the answers. All I can say is take it one day at a time. Some day's I feel totaly normal (even if it is only for a little while) - hoping to have that be the norm some day soon :-)

Diva

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:37pm
Hiya BEBG,

True's hit the nail right on the head, this is a part of the healing process you need to go through.

Feel it, work with it, acknowledge it, use it as the spur you need to keep you from heading straight back in the the mouth of the shark which is the affair.

Use that anger shield to keep maintaining that NC because the longer you go, the more clear everything starts to become. The more things begin to fall into place, the stronger you feel and the more peace begins to settle on your shoulders.

The good news is your anger means you are healing. And it really *will* pass, slowly but surely it eases in intensity, you lose the need to know why, and the what'if's and if-only's start seeming far less important than lashing out or having him acknowledge your pain for you. You'll begin to find your OWN closure rather than needing any from anyone else.

The bad news is, if you break NC, you get to do this all over again from the very beginning... But that is, of course, very much your own choice. ;)

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 9:55am
Thanks for all your responses. I'm just trying to make sense of the chaos that my life is now. I never had an A before this one & I really don't have many friends who are married, let alone in As (except of course xMM - who I've learned is certainly not a friend). I guess I just need answers to so many things and I'm starting to realize that I will never get those answers - which is frusterating. Prior to my A, I knew where I stood in every aspect of my life, I never had to overanalyze or guess. Today I'm feeling less angry - although I'm sure that'll return - and more wondering. I've begun to realize that xMM will not be returning and I'm starting to realize that's a good thing and probably the only chance my marriage has. My H is a wonderful man (especially considering he knows about my A and still wants to be with me). Another thing I've noticed is that I'm starting to remember little things within my A that pop out of nowhere and to others may be completely meaningless, but which bring me right back to the A. For example, last night before I went to sleep my husband said "sweet dreams" which of course he's said before in our marriage. However, instead of just passing by that moment, I instantly thought of how xMM used to email that to me right before he went to sleep at night when we were getting offline. Do any of you guys still experience something similar long after the A is dead and gone? Thanks.

Blue-eyed

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 10:39am
Instead of concentrating on everything bad he did, concentrate on why you allowed him to do it. Dig down deep and ask yourself why YOU allowed someone to do that to you. I completely agree that you are an adult and need to take responsiblity. To truly heal you need to answer questions for yourself and take all the blame. It is easy to blame him. But you take that blame and figure out why you did it, then you will not allow anyone to do that to you ever again. If you continue to stay angry you are giving him power. Don't let him have that power over you. Forgive, so you can get over that anger. You are not forgiving him. Forgive your actions. Anger will create chaos in your life. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

You can get thru this. Take Care