Anger, not love

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Anger, not love
7
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 8:05am
I had my heart broken by an MM several years ago. He was and remains the love of my life, not for the "right" reasons, perhaps, but simply because he and I connected in a way that can only be described as viscerally, or perhaps otherworldly.

Enter new MM, who I view simply as a friend, but who falls in love with me and pursues me passionately, but doesn't ever really step over the "friend" line. Eventually, I return the feelings, something happens, and we are in an affair. Only now the tables turn, and I am much more into it than he is. It's as if all he needed to do was "get" me, but I really wanted to "have" him.

Affair ends because of this, and a tumultuous emotional affair begins. He pledges his love and devotion, but still can't come through with consistent emails, phone calls, etc., and here is the crux of it: I don't think I even CARE so much out of love or need for him. I think that what holds me to him is ANGER. Anger at being led down the primrose path only to be basically abandoned. Anger at being promised things that never happened. Anger. Not love.

And yet, here I am, with these negative emotions, when it would be far better for me to have NO emotions about this.

Does anyone have advice? How to lose the anger? I seriously think that at this point the only thing that ties me to him is my anger (don't know what ties him to me, but that's HIS problem...!). So, how do I lose the anger? How do I just MOVE ON to a more peaceful life?

LF

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 11:45am
Lotus

I don't really have an answer for you, but I am a believer of "Everything happens for a reason".

I too have been made to feel like I was being played by my XOM. He pursued me passionately and on several ocassions asked me to leave my H, only to appear to back off when I seem to take his words seriously. I would crack my mind trying to "figure" him out. And I have felt some anger towards him as well. But I believe that my A happened for a reason ... I just haven't quite figure out what the reason is yet!! Perhaps it gave me a reason to start to examine the deep rooted problems within myself or my marriage, perhaps it served to remind me that what I thought was lacking in my marriage is not the most important thing in life, or if it is important to me then I should do something about it now?? I don't know, but I know (thanks to all the wonderful advice I have been receiving from everyone out here) that I have to stop focussing on XOM and start focussing on myself.

To quote from a book I read : "What is said, however, by myself or by others matters little. The important thing, the thing that lies before me, the thing that I have to do, or be for the brief remainder of my days one maimed, marred, and incomplete, is to absorb into my nature all that has been done to me, to make it part of me, to accept it without complaint, fear or reluctance. The supreme vice is shallowness. Whatever is realised is right..... To reject one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's own life. It is no less than a denial of the Soul. For just as the body absorbs things of all kinds, things common and unclean and converts them into swiftness or strength, into the play of beautiful muscles and the moulding of fair flesh.. so the Soul, in its turn, has its nutritive functions also, and can transform into noble moods of thought, and passions of high import, what in itself is base, cruel and degrading."

"When Christ said "Forgive your enemies", it is not merely for the sake of the enemies but for one's own sake that he says so, and because Love is more beautiful that Hate."

You have to accept that what has happened has happened, then examine why it happened. You have to free yourself from all resentment, hardness, regrets, shame and scorn. You have to free yourself from any bitterness of feeling towards XMM. Only then can you face life with much more calm and confidence.

I am sorry I am not able to offer more practical advice, but I think the need to feel forgiveness must come from deep within one's heart, and each has his / her own way of coming to terms with hate and moving onto forgiveness. It is difficult, I know. I still struggle with it all the time. But I realise that I must never allow it to consume my entire being, because that makes me no better a person than XOM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 11:38pm
I know it sounds like a cop-out and maybe you've tried this -- but therapy was the only thing that worked for me. Therapy and no contact. I worked with a therapist about 6 mos. after my A ended and I DESPERATELY wanted out by then but I still needed lots of help to understand why I got involved with an MM and to learn to understand and meet my needs in healthy ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 12:06pm
LF: I was shocked to read your story.... You made me realize today, for the first time in 5 months that I am angry at my xMM, not in love with him. Therapy? I think not, you are my therapy and I feel 100 times better. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 5:26pm
please don't scoff at therapy -- it's been vital for lots of us! I may be sensitive because it's so easy to suggest people who use therapy are weak or dependent.

I'm neither. I am a single mother who's raising 2 teenagers on her own. I have a very responsible job and lots of friends and good relations with my family. I've run marathons and work out regularly. I'm strong and successful in lots of ways but I couldn't break free of my A until I got professional help. YOu're very blessed to be able to handle this and heal on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 5:51pm
You are so right and I actually thought about it more and probably still need therapy. I'm sure it would help. I should consider it since we have such a great plan at work and it would be free. Foolnomore, please ready my post and see if you can help. I just posted for the first time (besides my therapy comment) and could use some advice.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 11:27pm
I'm not sure that you need to lose the anger to leave him. What you need to do to leave him is to leave him. I was very angry at my MM for a long, long time because he had promised so much and in the end delivered absolutely nothing.

Love yourself. Take care of yourself. If you have a hard time doing that, imagine what you would tell your very best friend if she were in your situation. When I was trying to disentangle myself from my MM, I came on this board every day and read posts for several hours. And I posted too. And the one thing that people told me over and over again was: you deserve better than this. You deserve to be with someone who can be with you 24/7, 100% of the time and who doesn't expect you to share him.

You get over it by walking away and not looking back. It hurts like hell, but the pain does pass. I'm at nearly 8 months of NC now and feeling better every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 7:49pm
hi - I read your post below and you have a lot going on in your life! You are married but not satisfied, at least sexually. You are having an A with an MM that is VERY unsatisfying. I think you should consider simplifying your life. Deal with your marriage first and decided whether you want to stay in it or under what circumstances you want to stay or leave.

If you want to stay and the sex is the only problem, can you talk with your husband about marital and possibly even sex therapy to address your issues? I think marital therapy alone can help you with the trust and intimacy part that can make for terrific sex, but if it's more complicated than that, maybe a marriage therapist could recommend other help.

I know this all sounds far fetched & nutty, but it's make you more than a little nutty juggling these 2 difficult men! So make it simple -- if you want to get out of the marriage, clean that mess up with the help of therapy (you can tell I'm a strong proponent of therapy -- it helped me so much) and then you'll be in a much healthier place to find the kind of intimacy and relationship you really want in your life.

Good luck! darlingd -- I knew you didn't mean any harm with your therapy comment -- but I wanted to reassure others who might be considering it. It's really hard the first time to get it started, you know?