The Anger Phase

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
The Anger Phase
7
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 9:09pm

So, after enduring another tortuous work day having to see him, listen to him, and endure...I am sitting here pondering and thinking of how really one-sided this A has been. And how very stupid I was. How how the "A" blinders can really fooled me. And how humiliated I am becoming at the realization that he was never really that into me for most of the time we messed around.


Why would I put myself through this agony...all along I knew it would end...but why am I the only one who’s hurting? I set myself to care to much, to become emotionally involved. I thought I could "handle it." I thought it was all in fun and I deserved to have some, given all the cr*p I’ve endured from an abusive H.


I really relied on xAP’s companionship to get me through the workday, and through life...to help me escape the drudgery and grim reality of an unhappy marriage and an emotionally dead H.


So, now that xAP’s moved on to something new/exciting...here I am picking up the pieces of my heart...and the trying to keep the flood of emotions from drowning me. I am, once again, facing the grim reality of RL. It is amazing I could live in fantasy la-la "A" land for so very long. I am truly amazed the past two years has gone by. I am SHOCKED at just how addicted to this toxic relationship I am. On how out-of-control I have become. How blind I have been.


And I am really having to face just how relentlessly I pursued this man...who was lukewarm/cold pretty much the whole time. Except when I pulled away...then the chase was on.


I am facing the reality of when I finally broke free of his toxic hold on me in December, he came full force aggressive and finally, after two years, gave me the emotional bond I had been searching for all along. He opened up to me, I trusted him, I gave all of me to him...and then he dumped me flat...cold...with no warning...and left me more vulnerable than I ever had been. I feel naked, exposed, physically, mentally, emotionally used. I am humiliated. When I opened up myself to him - he rejected me. My self-esteem is shot.


And to make matters worse, my H is also constantly berating me and putting me down - even more so lately. It’s like he senses I am weak and pounces on it like a lion on a wounded animal - I am easy prey. H has always has talked down to me, but I was able to channel it away in fantasy "A" land. Now that the A is over, I am once again, faced with the emotional abuse and hurt from my H.


Which is probably what helped me accept crumbs and lousy treatment from xAP...after years of emotional bashing from my H...from boyfriends...from parents...years of being told I was worthless, damaged goods, never good enough, unloveable...etc...


So many issues of unworthiness and abandonment are rising to the surface. It is so revealing...and so painful. I am so angry at the treatment I’ve endured from all these people. I’m mostly angry at myself for allowing it.


Thank you for letting me vent,


Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: misty_70
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 9:36pm

Misty, (btw, I love your name!)


Good for you for realizing this early on!


Please don't blame yourself too much.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
In reply to: misty_70
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 4:00am

Hi misty, we have a similar situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
In reply to: misty_70
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 4:34am

misty,
the painful realities you face are common to many of us. i suspect many--if not most-- women who escape their real lives for the short-lived highs of an affair suffer from many of the core issues of worthlessness, abandonment, and an inability to soothe/validate oneself.
my heart goes out to you in your suffering right now. when the fog lifts and the truth is laid bare, it hurts. emotions that you have suppressed have now come to the surface and can be hard to understand, never mind process. if you have the resources to do so, i would strongly recommend getting in to therapy to help you work this through. it is good and necessary that you name and acknowledge your feelings--but it is vitally important that you identify where they have come from so that in the future you have other ways to cope and to feel good about your life.
please don't be angry with yourself. you have tried to care for yourself in the best way you could--you did the best you could with what you had at the time. now it is time to learn something new.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
In reply to: misty_70
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 8:10am

"the painful realities you face are common to many of us. i suspect many--if not most-- women who escape their real lives for the short-lived highs of an affair suffer from many of the core issues of worthlessness, abandonment, and an inability to soothe/validate oneself."


Dear lilliealma,


this comment puts into words so well how i am feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: misty_70
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 8:29am

Misty-

My heart goes out to you. I can read the pain in your words and they hit me in the gut. I wish I could give you a big hug and reassure you that you've made one giant step today in seeing things for what they really are. A's are an escape, and it sounds like you have a lot you wish to escape. I hope you can take this time to work on you. Like the other have said, it really does come down to us. We have to rely on ourselves. We have to get to the root of the issues within ourselves and work them out so that we can move forward. This is a tough and painful lesson to learn, but a necessary one for growth and healing. In your case, it sounds like counseling could really help. I know that it has helped me. Without the sounding board of a counselor, I would have certainly gone mad bouncing the thoughts around in my head without someone there to make me see things differently.

I am thinking of you. I hope you come here for as much support as you need.

Jane
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: misty_70
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 10:14am

I want to send you a big cyber hug. I know how you are feeling. For years I allowed men to use me and I validated who I was based on how the men in my life treated me. Which was really dumb because I always CHOSE men were unavailable, abusive (both emotional and physically). I went through a cycle of madness and then I met a MM who I threw myself at and it was the same story. I am living proof that you can stop the cycle of abuse that you are causing to yourself. You have taken a big step in realizing that it is you who allowed this MM to treat you this way and you put your happiness in a dishonest, disloyal man who is willing to cheat on his W. He came to you screaming that he was a liar and cheater by the mere fact that he is cheating on his W. You signed up for abuse right from the onset of the relationship (KWIM). The way I broke my own cycle of self destruction was to throw myself into T. For two years, I didn't date. I went through therapy, lost weight and worked on myself. When I was at a healthy place in my life I attracted a wonderful man and I am now M and have a beautiful child. I didn't even know that a decent man was capable of loving me the way my H does. What I came to realize is that my behavior was just as bad as the MM I was seeing. After all, I knew he was M and slept with him anyway. Ignoring the fact that I was being selfish and helping to cause the break up of a family.


Get in a healthy place. No MM or any other man can be responsible for your happiness. You are not chained to your H by a ball and chain and a MM cannot be responsible for making you happy. Only you can. You are only as worthless as you think you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
In reply to: misty_70
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 12:17pm

Misty -


I am so sorry for your pain.