Is anger required?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Is anger required?
17
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 6:40am

Can I please ask, did all you Enders use anger to propel you out of an affair?

I can't get angry when I think about my AP. She has been a good friend to me and helped me in many ways.
Do you think the wrongness of the A, morally, and the risks associated with it can be enough to end it and go NC ?
I hope this makes sense..... thanks
RP

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 6:50am

Hi Rob


I don't think there is any particular way you should or shouldn't feel when an A ends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 7:06am

Rob,


No anger here - I merely realized I had had enough -maybe that seems too simple - but the energy required to maintain the A and the way it made me feel - it was all just enough.


Lolly formerly Lellibee - NC since 8-10-2010

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 7:40am

I think whatever emotion you use, has to be true.


False anger will only disappear and leave you back at square one.


My case was I just got tired.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 7:51am

Thank you all. I was getting worried because I had been trying to manufacture anger.
Maybe that will come later as the fog lifts- who knows.
I am very tired of leading a double life. One wife, 2 young children and a stressful job are quite tiring as it is. Now I have merely added masses of emotional angst.

Yes, my time is running out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 9:04am

I have to agree with RBM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 9:11am
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 9:42am
Hi.
She gets back in the middle of next week. She called yesterday and I said we needed to have an honest chat when she got back and I got back later that week( I go on vacation tomorrow!).
She said she hoped I wasn't going to throw her under the bus again. She said that I ought to keep in mind that whereas her H brings out the worst in her, I always bring out the best.
Like, how is that meant to help?
And surely I bring out the best because I am some fantasy figure rather than a flesh and blood average man?
Then she had to go all of a sudden- ah the thrill of the double life!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 10:01am

Rob -

As others have said, there is no particular way you "should" feel. Anger played a huge part in my decision to end things. It still flares up when I think about how I was treated. BUT I realize now that I was the one who allowed that treatment. It's good that you don't feel anger toward your HOPEFULLY soon to be XAP.

One of my favorite Buddhist sayings: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

It's interesting that she said you bring out the best in her. Oh, give it time. 7.5 years ago I said the same thing and I can tell you that NO ONE on the planet has brought out the worst in me than XAP. Keep your "honest" chat simple, and move forward with your life.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 12:32pm

Rob,
I am 9+ months out so I've been through the gamut of emotions. I did not have anger in the beginning and I envied those who were able to have that motivation. I didn't even dislike my X. The only thing I had to cling to in the beginning was resolve to do the right thing by my family, his family and myself. Very soon after NC took hold, I was motivated by the sense of freedom and relief that came with losing the addition to the A through the computer and IM; the reduction from stress from the drama of the A was huge! Although, I did simultaneously deal with intense grief, sadness and crushing depression. As the fog cleared, I began to address issues within myself that were PAINFUL to face - of course, doing that brought intense feelings, including (finally) anger over how I acted during my A, and even anger towards xAP over things he did that I was reevaluating with a new perspective.

So, yah... no. I didn't have the easy out of Anger or Dislike towards X to propel me. I did it, though. You can too.

When you break it off (finally) with AP, I hope you'll make it easier on both of you by being succinct, firm and FINAL.

Good luck,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 2:05pm

CSN,


Chasing a rainbow???? I LOVE that...it sums up everything and is the perfect anology. Chasing that rainbow wears you out and always remains in the distance, just out of your reach.


Rob,


You dont need anger to fuel your advancement, you just need time. I will admit that anger can help but it isnt always necessary. Anger is just pain in an easier to deal with emotion. Meaning for some, myself included, its just easier to be angry than admit the pain and hurt.


Either way time will help you. Affairs take up so much time, energy and focus that at first you will wonder what you will ever do to occupy yourself but once you have gained some distance you wonder how you ever had the time for an A in the 1st place.


It takes time to reengage into your RL. Dont rush it, just let it happen. But you owe it to yourself, your W and your children to remain strong that this A is over. There is just no way you can have both. All A's end, they all have an expiration date and they are all hard to let go of. But whats harder Rob.......Letting go of your AP or letting go of your W and kids? Im married and 3mths out of my A and I can tell you that I am scared $hitless that I could still have a dday and lose what I have realized is so very important to me.


Best of luck.


GMLB

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