anger vs. sadness in cutting it off

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
anger vs. sadness in cutting it off
5
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:26pm
you know, MM and I had our big discussion today about the future of our EMA. And while neither one of us wanted it to end, I found the discussion to primarily focus on why he could never leave his family. Frankly, it started to piss me off. I mean I also have a family that our relationship has affected. But MM seemed to want to lessen his guilt by always saying how his kids came first, and he could never see leaving them. Was he just trying to make himself feel less guilty? I get the fact that he doesn't want to break up his family. I'm not that dense or clingy.

But the whole scenario was just too much, so I cut him off and told him that "I got it, and it's over." So now, I don't feel sad or empty, I just feel like that's done and I'm glad. Is this normal to actually end an EMA and not feel sad or cry? I have cried in the past couple of days prior to actually ending it, but I feel strangely in control right now. Is this a temporary condition? Thanks for any insight or input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:36pm
Birdie, I was in that "temporary condition" that you describe for about a month! My first month after the end of the A was SO easy, I thought I was home free... I mostly just felt a sense of relief that all of the sneaking and deception was over. Then I started hearing stuff about XMM and it hurt to hear about his life from a third party, and the guilt and yuckiness all seemed so far away, and WHAM, I entered the grieving stage, I guess.

I'm just telling you this so you're prepared, and know that it's normal if you do eventually get hit with grief.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:51pm
You might be in "shock" and it hasn't really hit you left. If there is truly feelings there, trust me you will feel them. Either you'll start thinking about him, or something you see or hear will remind you of him and you'll probably start to feel some emotion. Like the other poster said, just prepare yourself. It's not fun to face what's over and what the future has. Let me ask you ... if he gets in touch with you, will you go back to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:32am
Well, Birdie, here's how it went for me. For the first few weeks after the A ended I was relieved and enjoying my new-found free time! I had spent 2 years sneaking around, stealing time from my kids, mailing bills out late, leaving work early, etc., to spend some precious time with OMM. Then OMM started to want more from me than I could give. When I ended it I felt a sense of relief and peace. Finally, an end to the chaos!!!

That lasted for about 6 weeks. Then, all of the unmanageability of the A, all of the things he did that annoyed me, etc., seemed less important and I recognized the void in my life that was created by his exit. I would be very surprised if on some level you didn't have a similar experience. I can't say that I've ever felt heartbroken, and on any given day since I began posting here regularly I don't think I've really whigged out and insisted that I HAD to see him, but I feel his absence. I still think of him regularly and wonder what he's doing. Fortunately, the support on this board has kept me from getting stupid and contacting him.

There are formal stages to the grieving process and you will probably find that eventually you experience them to some degree. It may not be crushing, devastating and earth shattering, but you will no doubt feel the absence of whatever it was about your OMM that attracted you to him. For some of us it was a great physical connection, and BOY do we miss that!!!! But for you it might be any number of things. The important thing is to keep it in perspective and to the extent possible try to take a mental photograph of the way you feel today. You WILL need to refer to it at some point in the future, I can promise you that. Hang in there, honey. We're here for you! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:59pm
Mo,

Thank you SO much for your response! I identified with you so much about your new found free time. For the last 7 months (5 months since we have been intimate), I feel like everything in my life has been "on hold." My house is a wreck, the bills have gone by the way-side, my husband and kids have been getting fed and have clean clothes to wear . . . but it has been a juggling act. I'm a stay-at-home mom, so this has been very different for me. My main focus the last few months has been on when I would see XMM, and where we would meet, and when our next meeting would occur. I feel like I have been barely keeping my "real" life going while juggling this other relationship.

I still feel "in control," but I am starting to wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe having a part of someone is better than not having them at all. As you can tell, I am wavering . . . already. I don't know what the hell to do, and it is only the 2nd day. I DO thank you for your encouragement. I just don't know if I can last.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:59pm
<<<<<<>>>>>

Momesq, you gave some excellent insights for the poster as to why at first "ending it" appears as a relief, and what she can expect in the future. For me, I became consumed (and this was 8 months into the affair) by overwhelming guilt for his wife. I was amazed at how I could so nicely tuck all the "wrongness" of this relationship away in a place (called denial)that for 9 months I refused to visit. Then one day, I guess this "place of denial" overflowed, and "KABOOM"....I was knocked off of my feet (figuratively). I cried and wept and felt horrible for days. I suppose I was pre-grieving the inevitable that was soon to happen, because burried inside of us we all, we have the answers we need.

Because this man was also my boss, my decision to end it was the most difficult one I ever had to make. In my younger years,(22 years ago)I was able to walk away from 2 emotionally abusive marriages, so I already new I had the reserve somewhere within me to survive. I was also able to raise 3 children alone on this reserve.

BUT, after a while, I think you said about 6 weeks for you, the initial "I made the right decision" starts to waiver, and the "Missing" returns, the "void" resurfaces, and the "Decision" becomes questioned. Whenever I started to weaken, I would draw on all of the "wrongness" of what I did, and like a B12 shot, it would recharge those draining "keep strong" batteries. I realized that if you can't keep strong for yourself, think about the people who lay in the wake of the destruction you may have (and there's always a slight chance of latent repercussions)) caused. The past has a way of catching up with us.......

Good luck to you both.

Ready