Anger...first step to healing or ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2012
Anger...first step to healing or ?
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 2:16am

Last night I felt anger towards xap for what I think is the first time.  Odd…I was sitting at a major sporting event…nothing remotely to do with him – however since my mind usually multi-tasks with thoughts of him in the background, it is not uncommon for me to be doing or thinking something else, but thoughts of xap also in my head.

On a side note:  for so much of the time while being in the A, or afterwards, I would be defensive about xap…whether it was to a close friend or even my therapist… “he’s a REALLY good guy”, “it was ME that started and pursued the whole A”, “not his fault at all”, etc.  At first, II wouldn’t even tell the therapist xap’s name when he asked what it was - I felt so defensive and protective about his anonymity. 

So I was hit with a wave of anger…remembering how I lowered, embarrassed and degraded myself during the A.  From day 1, I was told by him not to contact him by personal means…no personal email or cell texts/calls.  Yep, I was fine with that, whatever he said or wanted…gosh I was just so glad to have any of his attention at all (insert sarcasm).  I found creative ways to get a hold of him at work which ended up being 98% effort on my part to 2% from him.  Anyway, details don’t matter I suppose.  The fact that he did not contact me after my email 3 weeks ago ticks me off.  He had fished after 7 weeks NC and I bit.  I sent an email asking him to contact me again and he hasn’t.  I tried to make up excuses in my mind (i.e. email server down!) but the truth is that ‘he’s just not that into me’. 

While I have often considered myself as being ‘quick to get mad’ or short-tempered, there are some areas of anger that I have a hard time facing.  This anger towards xap is one of them.  It was something I was not expecting…not sure if it’s healing/productive or not.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 7:50am

Not acknowledging what it REALLY was is frustrating.  Frustrating because it makes us admit that what we tried to make it into, wasn't necessarily what it really was. It's called hanging onto the fantasy.

It's pretty much a given that two people never see the same thing, the same way. It's always from their own viewpoint, and that is slanted in the direction that benefits them.

It is the fantasy.  It is hanging on. You are still hanging on.

Did you answer to his fishing trip because you were hanging on to the fantasy? You have been here long enough to have read it a thousand times, NC = No New Hurts. If the fantasy is strong enough, and if you believe, then............well, you get it.

Who is the anger really directed at?  Is it him?  Or yourself for hanging on, believing the fantasy that you have created? Are you angry because you can't control him, make him do what you want him to do, for wanting what you want and not getting it???

This is where reality sets in.  Being honest with yourself.  Are you ready to end this madness? Are you ready to admit that there really isn't anything there? It was a mistake? Are you ready to cut your losses before they affect the rest of your life and all the people who are in it with you, who love you, and who trust you?

What does he give you that you can't get from someone else?

This is a chance to do some REAL soul searching.  What is it that makes you hold on?

If you really want to end it, why did you answer?

If you really DON'T want to end it, why are you here?

I speak from experience on all of these questions. I have BTDT.  Time after time.

The road and journey to peace is blocking and walking.  Evidently you don't believe that. 

Maybe it's time to reassess where you are headed and why. 

Write it all down.  Post if you feel comfortable.  Quit defending your A, and AP and get honest with yourself. 

I'm pulling for you, these answers really mean something.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 9:54am

Morning facetothebreeze

If you've read over RBM's response to you, and thought about it a bit, you've probably already come to the realization that he was've caught a bad case of the misdirected anger heebie jeebies.  There's nothing worse to our ego than someone beating us to the punch at doing the right thing or able to do or say that which we could not.  

It reminds me of a story.  My b/f and I shared (many many years ago) a small apartment.  One day while we were sitting in the livingroom, I felt the ugent need to have some space...alone time, and I wanted to say "Listen, I'm going to go to the other room and read my book."  But I struggled on how to say it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.  So, I'm sitting there wanting to say it...needing to say, but didn't.  About 5 minutes later...really, only 5 minutes later, he said "I'm going into the other room and read a magazine."...and off he went.  I was furious!  Furious because HE said what I wanted to say....and said it seemingly without any regard to how it would make me feel.  He beat to the punch!  I was furious at him, but I was really furious at myself for not just saying what I needed.

What you are feeling, albeit misdirected, is not uncommon. I think we've all felt that anger towards our xaffair partner until we realized we were a player in the ego war game and we have no one to blame but ourselves.  

Use this anger, towards yourself, as a learning experience (productive), but don't get stuck it in (non-productive).  And, you won't get stuck in it if you stop setting yourself up.  Accept that he is, as you said it, "just not that into you" and work at moving forward and away.






iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 10:07am
Placing an object of desire on a pedestal and worshiping it is not difficult unless that object is another human being.

You wrote: "While I have often considered myself as being ‘quick to get mad’ or short-tempered, there are some areas of anger that I have a hard time facing. This anger towards xap is one of them"

You have placed a high value on xap and what he represents to you. Understanding why you have chosen to give him an undeserved 'superior-slot' in your life would be worth looking into. I think that is where the root of your anger resides.

We allow people to come into our lives for a purpose.

I am wishing you the best on this journey,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 10:20am

Oh yeah.  I’ve REALLY got the anger thing going.  And, yes, for me it has been very helpful to direct that anger towards XAP.  And, I do have a reason to be angry.  He is the KING of lies of omission.  SO sick of it.  This anger has helped me to stay away from him, to keep running. 

But, I am also getting more and more angry at ME.  I chose to play the role, I chose to continue to set myself up.  I betrayed MYSELF.  I compromised myself, my values and it has had terrible negative effects on ME, my M, my life.  I CHOSE IT.  I CHOSE TO PLAY. 

So MAD at ME.

So, I’m not sure if the anger is the first step in “healing”, but, for me, it has been the first step in getting OUT!

And, I had to get out first, before I could begin to do anything else, such as look at myself and, hopefully, one day “heal”.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2012
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 11:50am

Whew.   I can relate to something in EVERY one of your replies.  Things have been kind of rushing at me like a wave since the other night.   A HUGE change - my background noise/thoughts/fantasies re: xap is about 90% less than it has ever been.  Again, this is huge as I spent so much time inside my head it had really created a false reality that I chose to live in.

I went NC about two months ago when I resigned from my job.  There was no goodbye with xap; due to scheduling he was not around when I left.  I could feel that the A was in its waning stages anyway and I was desparate to hold on.  Also feeling part of what someone else had posted about why wasn't I the one to end it and not be the rejected one.  I see that an A is not a real R, and does not deserve any of the perks of a real R such as a 'proper' ending, respect and honesty. 

He fished about 3 weeks ago and I was sucked back in my emotional actually took that incident to show me that I had actually progressed some.  Yoga, yes at that point I had emailed him...two days after the fishing expedition.  I asked him to contact me because I wanted to 'ask him something' about a shared hobby we have....gee, how cute and coy is that?  Still wanting that validation.

Yes, RBM I know the dril.  NC=no new hurts.  You present a lot of good questions that I will be answering. Through recent counseling I see that the A is not an isolated, random occurance...the reasons and causes go way back to unresolved childhood issues.  How it all ties in to the A has been slowly unraveling and not something I can even articulate at this point.  I  do know I am responsible for my actions in the A...not even feeling the anger that I felt the other night, more like an annoyance of a biting ant or buzzing mosquito. 

So...the A is over for me folks.  Of course, actions speak louder than words so I will have to just let it go at that for now.