Anger...first step to healing or ?
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|Mon, 08-20-2012 - 2:16am|
Last night I felt anger towards xap for what I think is the first time. Odd…I was sitting at a major sporting event…nothing remotely to do with him – however since my mind usually multi-tasks with thoughts of him in the background, it is not uncommon for me to be doing or thinking something else, but thoughts of xap also in my head.
On a side note: for so much of the time while being in the A, or afterwards, I would be defensive about xap…whether it was to a close friend or even my therapist… “he’s a REALLY good guy”, “it was ME that started and pursued the whole A”, “not his fault at all”, etc. At first, II wouldn’t even tell the therapist xap’s name when he asked what it was - I felt so defensive and protective about his anonymity.
So I was hit with a wave of anger…remembering how I lowered, embarrassed and degraded myself during the A. From day 1, I was told by him not to contact him by personal means…no personal email or cell texts/calls. Yep, I was fine with that, whatever he said or wanted…gosh I was just so glad to have any of his attention at all (insert sarcasm). I found creative ways to get a hold of him at work which ended up being 98% effort on my part to 2% from him. Anyway, details don’t matter I suppose. The fact that he did not contact me after my email 3 weeks ago ticks me off. He had fished after 7 weeks NC and I bit. I sent an email asking him to contact me again and he hasn’t. I tried to make up excuses in my mind (i.e. email server down!) but the truth is that ‘he’s just not that into me’.
While I have often considered myself as being ‘quick to get mad’ or short-tempered, there are some areas of anger that I have a hard time facing. This anger towards xap is one of them. It was something I was not expecting…not sure if it’s healing/productive or not.