Angry and Embarrassed . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Angry and Embarrassed . . .
7
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 8:41pm

I haven't posted here since mid-February.  I've done very well in that time but I can't believe how much I've slid back in the last month or so.  I'm coming up on one year NC (yay!) and feel very proud of myself for having resisted his fishing and my own temptation to reach out.

I feel angry and even embarrassed that despite a full year, I STILL feel so hurt and I miss him frequently.

The A spanned about 10 years on and off, with the last round going a few months before his wife found out (again).

Part of the struggle for me is that we've had several years in between contact before, so  it always feels like it's not entirely over.  Feels like a hiatus.  I know it's over if I WANT it to be over but that's entirely the problem.  Many days I do, but many days I don't.  The other thing I struggle with is the lack of closure.  I know contacting him would NOT be closure, but I'm having a hard time putting questions and issues to rest.  I'm seeing a therapist about all of it but have yet to reach success.

I have a wonderful, supportive husband.  I'm even able to be open with him to some degree about all of this.  He's exceptional and I love our family.  We've never shared the kind of connection I had hoped for but our marriage is solid.

Just looking for positive support.  The reason I left this board six months ago was because I felt people were harsh and judgmental.  Hoping that's changed since.

Thank you!
 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 9:54pm

Welcome back, Ethereal

You *should* be proud of yourself.  Your coming up on one year despite his fishing and resisting your urges to reach out.  It would seem that knowing that you just can't go there again is overriding your weaker moments...that's a good thing.  You are apparently thinking the consequences of making contact through to the logical conclusion.    

I see what you are going through a lot.  People go NC so many times, for a particular amount of time, they never could stay NC for more than ___ .  Then, they go NC, but a little part of them (even though they might not realize it) is still holding on during that longest length of NC...they get up to, and past, that point and whammo...it seems that the end is for real, and it's almost like their real grieving begins.

You're working with a therapist, and that's great.  Have you discuss with her how you feel?. Discussed what success feels like to you?  Or that you feel you should arrived at that point by now?  So she can assure you that you are progressing, or maybe she'll step it up a bit, or delve deeper or simply assure you that success *is* being made in small increments and be patient with the process?  Whatever you are doing in therapy must be helping because you have resisted making contact...so some headway is being made.  I consider that success :)

As far as backsliding, is there an anniversary of some sort coming up, like when you first connected, or a birthday or another event?...or maybe the approaching Holidays if you spent time together over them?  How's life treating you in general?  Anything stressful going on?  I also figure it can't be helpful to your healing process when he keeps interrupting it with his fishing attempts.

You say you opened up to your husband...did you have a discovery day?  I know you said your xaffair partners betrayed spouse found how...did that cause a discovery day for you as well?

I'm glad you came back.  It might be a while before people can respond.  Ivillage just did a major switchover and there have been glitches galore which are slowly being ironed out.  I think most of the problems now lie with phone usage access.  But the whole processed quieted things down here and on a lot of the Boards.

But I'm around :)

((hugs))

Clarity

 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 10:11pm

Thank you, Clarity.

I've been working with a therapist since January.  I wish she would allow me to open up a bit more about the A than she has.  She simply chastises exAP and doesn't allow me to express the full nuance of what I feel.  I feel hesitant to bring it up with her, as if I should be past it already.

I do rationalize the consequences of recontacting.  I know all roads lead to the same dead and painful end, but it's still hard.  It would be a relief to just give in and contact him some days.  I feel like I'm holding my breath every day.

Life otherwise has been very difficult this year.  Early Spring was awful and late Spring I was in a major car accident that set me back physically, emotionally, professionally, and financially.  The summer was a bit better and that's when I began to feel better.  Autumn brought with it a major professional disappointment (had to dissolve a partnership).  I had to deal with a stressful aspect of it just today.

Backsliding coincides with D-day / NC day, which is actually Black Friday.  His wife found out, exAP sent me a decisive "cease and desist" e-mail (with a forewarning e-mail so I knew it wasn't coming from him per se), and that was it.  No good bye.  No contact since.  Of course, he has fished throughout the year, but I've held strong.  He's also a public figure and I keep stumbling on him in the national media.  The tough part is that he gave me a set of contingency plans in the case that his wife found out (basically, an undefined waiting period), so that's why it feels like it's not really over yet.  

I sat down and disclosed the details to my H before any of the fallout, so D-day on my end was the same day, Black Friday.  My H has never made me feel badly about the A (not that he was thrilled of course) and he actually "checks in" with me from time to time in a non-judgmental way.  He understands that there is a loss and a grieving involved.  I'm incredibly lucky in that respect!

As I mentioned, the A spanned a decade, so there are memories of this time of year (of every time of year, really).  It's just remarkable how much of my life he was a part and how difficult it is to get over.  Thanks again :)

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 11:46pm

I think another (((Ethereal))) is in order.

You've been through a lot.  I'm sorry to hear about your major accident, but glad to know that you are doing better.

There's a lot going on right now for you, so it makes a lot of sense why you feel you are back sliding.  I'm relieved to know that you know that contacting him would do you no good...no good at all.  You may feel relief...for a split second...and then you would only compound the issue.  Please, you've got enough going on to deal with...you don't want to add JAM to the mix, that's for sure.  You don't want to hurt yourself...and your husband sounds like a super understanding guy, so you just don't want to go there.  And when the urge strikes, take a few slow deep breaths, get yourself centered, come here and talk it out and remind yourself just how lucky you are...and how you might not be so lucky next time should you bring on a next time. I know you won't...just adding a little reinforcement Wink.

Maybe you can read a bit in the Healing Library as well to strengthen your resolve and your commitment to stay the course...it certainly can't hurt.

I'd say something to my therapist about that chastizing business.  I mean, if she's upset when he fishes, that's one thing, but otherwise, therapy should be all about you.  We don't do much chastizing here either, because we know/or learn that it's all about us.  Maybe you can turn the therapy table on her...hah!

I hope you stay close to the Board for a while...'til you are feeling like you are more on solid ground.  Black Friday is only 13 days away...you need our support. Maybe you'd want to consider slipping in a few extra appointments with your therapist.  I use to do that occasionally, when I was getting stressed out...no harm in doing that.

I'm up for another hour or so, so post away if you just want to talk things out.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 1:13pm
I can relate totally to how you feel my xap has spanned twenty years with nc breaks to your right it never felt done not sure it ever will. I don't think I'll ever be over it spent half my life with it. Good job staying nc.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 4:19pm

<I feel angry and even embarrassed that despite a full year, I STILL feel so hurt and I miss him frequently.>

I don't understand, at who are you angry?

The embarrassed part I get. It sounds to me like you are only, kind of, wishing that it was done, but you are still hanging on, hoping that after some length of time it will start again. 

Have you really made up your mind that it is done?

I ask because if he has fished, and you are getting those hooks, then you must not have him blocked completely.  Why is that?

I am confused but then again I am a man. Smile

 

I hung on too long.  I wasn't done.  I broke No-Contact many, many times. 

I know why..........NOW.  I didn't then and thats why it took me so long to get started. I was never serious. I kept hanging on. 

It was an ego stroke every time she called. I just couldn't face that we didn't love each other enough to do whatever it would take to be together. It was both of our faults.

 

<We've never shared the kind of connection I had hoped for but our marriage is solid.>

Solid?  You have been in an A for 10 years, and AP is fishing trying to reconnect? 

I think you are in some serious fog.  That isn't a solid marriage.

 

<Just looking for positive support. The reason I left this board six months ago was because I felt people were harsh and judgmental. Hoping that's changed since.?>

I see this statement as preemptive as: Don't try and tell me anything I don't want to hear.

Believe me, I am trying to be positive.  If you need help then you should have it. Either from us or a Professional.

I'm sorry that you came back when the boards are such a mess and many people are not around.  I have found EVERY single person who is here, cares.  They may not tell you what you want to hear, and they may tell you something that you don't want to understand, but every single person has good intentions.

I hope you will stay and post.

When and if you are done with your A, help those that need it.

My best to you, your family and your AP's family. I'm pulling for you all.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 2:20pm

Congratulations on a year of NC.  I am now over three years out of a 7+ year A.  It has only been in the past year that I feel complete and total freedom from xAP.  I have reached indifference.  But like you, I was holding on.  One of the last things xAP said to me before D-Day was.."Someday, somehow I pray that we will be together and have it be 'right' before God".  I hung onto that thought, even though it made no sense in reality.  That feeling that if I could just get though this hard time, there would someday be a reconnection.  That was probably the cruelest thing he could have said to me, even though I know he didn't mean for it to be.  Your xAPs contingency plan doesn't matter.  Closure is when you get to the point that you realize it is and always will be over.   

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:15am
Angie that is a powerful message and It is great wisdom to share. I can relate to what you said. For those of us still struggling, how did you get to that place of indifference? That is where I desperately want to be. --True