Angry and Hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Angry and Hurt
2
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 11:53pm
Yesterday MM came back from vacation. I thought I could be strong and avoid him, but that didn't happen as much as I'd hoped. I was able to keep my distance from him all morning until he gave me "the look." He started to kiss me and all of the old feelings came back. Not much happened because we kept getting interrupted by the phone (I work with him). I went back to doing my job, but after he was done with each phone call (there were two or three of them), he would come back to me. Then all of a sudden he pushed me away and said "let's finish this tomorrow". I was so ticked off. I told him I was sitting there minding my own business. I didn't ask him for his attention. He was the one that kept coming back to me. Then he pushed me away. It was like he wanted to remind me that this entire A was on his terms. Just a week earlier I had walked away from him telling I couldn't do this anymore. When he got back from vacation I told him how much the past week had sucked and that I missed him. I also told him that just because I was telling him these things didn't mean I was changing my mind about ending things, but rather I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. I realize telling him this was a mistake. I think he took it as a green light to try and start things up with me again. And when he kissed me, I didn't push him away. But when he pushed me away and told me that it would have to wait, I was hurt all over again. Then to make things worse, "tomorrow" came today and nothing happened. Sure, I should be glad, after all I did tell him I wanted to end it, but I wasn't. I was hurt because he was playing mind games with me. I told him I didn't appreciate him lying to me, filling my head with empty promises. If this was about him playing games with me, I wasn't interested. I told him I didn't like being tested like that. He came up with some lame excuse, but I could tell he was just trying to protect himself.

I know what he's doing. He wants to keep me on the side, but when it is convenient for him. He wants me to know this is about him, his schedule, his needs. I am so stupid for giving into him, for falling for him in the first place. I feel like such a fool for letting him get to me. And yet at the same time I can't get him out of my head. Why is that? Why do we always seem to fall the hardest for the ones that will hurt us the most in the long run?

I apologize for the length of this. I'm just ready to pull my hair out. He wants to come across as this nice guy. He doesn't see anything wrong in the way he is behaving. Yesterday when I got upset with him for playing with my emotions he acted as if I was over-reacting. To him I'm sure I am since this was supposed to only be a fling, no feelings were supposed to be involved. To him it was merely two consenting adults seeking a little companionship. After two-and-a-half years, I would harly call it a fling.

One thing that really ticks me off is that he can't be honest with me about anything. Last week just after my attempt to end things with him and just before he left on his vacation I talked to him about me looking for another job. I thought it would be best for me. I asked what he thought about it because it was going to leave him stranded in the middle of a large project. He couldn't give me anything but a smart aleck remark. Finally after practically pulling teeth, he told me he didn't want me to leave and that he wanted us to continue to work together because we made such a good working team. UGH! I think it had more to do with trying to keep me by his side.

I wish I could just walk away from my job, but I can't. The pay and benefits are excellent and I would have a hard time explaining it to DH. I just wish MM would be less of a jerk and realize how much he has hurt me. I just want some peace of mind instead of feeling like I'm going crazy everytime I'm around him.

Sorry again about the length, I just wanted to vent about what a jerk MM was and how stupid I feel for falling for his act. He used to make me feel so good. Here was an extremely good looking guy (the all-american football jock type) who was interested in me (the "I was never popular in school" type). He made me feel sexy and wanted. He made me feel good about myself, things my DH hasn't done in a long time. He would tell me I was beautiful and how much he wanted to be with me. I know now those things he was saying was just part of his plan to get me just where he wanted.

I just want to stop caring, to stop letting him get to me. I don't want to feel anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: overhim2
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 8:19am
(((Overhim)))

The sad truth is that MM will continue to play these games with you as long as you let him. Here he is taking complete advantage of your emotions, making smart aleck remarks, being hot and cold when it suits him, and you are allowing it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but an A is just a vicious cycle, and as long as you allow yourself to be a part of the cycle, you will continue to get hurt.

If you absolutely must have contact with MM at work, and it sounds like you do, keep it completely professional. Be somewhat cold if you have to, but don't get sucked back into his little games. Avoid him if possible, and try not to put yourself in a position where you have to be alone with him. If he persists, and doesn't leave you alone, you may want to re-consider that job change.

In order to stop caring, to stop feeling, and to get your life back, you have to start by taking baby steps. Let MM know clearly that the A is over, and that you hope he can respect your wishes by keeping his distance. Stay strong, and let us know how you are doing!

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: overhim2
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 11:05pm
HI OH

Sorry but I am going to come across pretty harch sounding, but it is for your good and only your good.

XMM is a low down woman using jerk, he clearly does no care about you at all he is power tripping over keeping you dangling on a string were he can come over and torment you when ever the mood strikes him, this is a sadistic person, he wants you to stay only so he can use and abuse you at will.

It will be much easier explaining a job change to DH then explaining XMM to him, make the job change ASAP, forget the perks there not worth going through this are they.

Get out of that place and don't tell the xjerk what your up to there is nothing to be gained by telling him.

Good luck

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