Angry... memories of his selfishness

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Angry... memories of his selfishness
4
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 2:29pm

I need to vent. I'm really angry and having trouble focusing at work, remembering all the selfish things xAP did, and is STILL doing.

We've been on NC for about a month now. When I ended it, my life's circumstances had changed and ending the A was easier and pretty necessary. I was (and still am) reconnecting with H, and my M has never been better! xAP insisted he just wanted me to be happy, even if that meant letting me go. Well he lied.

Lately he has used clever means to find out how I am... he is still blocked from most channels but let's just say he knows my colleagues, work contact, and route to/from work, so he has found ways to fish. Empty line, yes, but unnerving for me. He's trying to make me feel guilty for treating him like a stranger, like all this meant nothing, how I so easily moved on. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH baby, do you need a diaper!?

Anyway no response from me, but it's triggering all these memories and making me angry as hell. I realize now that I have some distance and have reconnected with H that the A was mostly the result of my extreme loneliness and need for more attention and fun. When I got into the A, I was very much alone in life, even though I am married... hard to explain without details, but H and I rarely had time together for work reasons. Now that has changed and we have almost identical schedules. No more lonely me!

Anyway, so during the A, I was readily available whenever he wanted to see me. I made little compromises to make time for him, worked hours I preferred not to so I could see him, stayed out later than I liked to, walked toward his office to meet for lunch.... I was the one accommodating him. I did lots of things for him that he never did for me. One of them was make him music mixes, which he only did once - only a dozen songs he quickly threw on a flash drive (vs. the hundreds of carefully selected ones I have him).

Anyway, I feel so resentful and this is the only place I can vent about it. I actually am starting to lose all affection for this man. I certainly have a better life without him. Even my moods are much more stable now. Amazing. Just wanted to share... I didn't think I was in the A out of loneliness. I thought it was LOVE. I was delusional.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 3:25pm

Hope you feel better having vented ((redlightogo))

I 'm relieved to hear that no many how times he fishes, his line comes up empty....good girl.  Let him go fish in someone else's pond.

I'm sorry your angry memories are taking away from your present moment and affecting your work, but at least these memories of his selfishness are working in your favor and not his.

I see a little anger at yourself as well for loving too much and doing to much for someone who was bearly giving as much back. That's a killer.  I think most of us can relate to that.  The lesson...never give more than you can afford to lose.  And frankly, men don't find it all that attractive...oh, they'll take it all...but it does not keep their interest...especially when they know they are not holding up their end of things and so not deserving of it all. Goes for spouses too...overloving...overdoing by us, it borders on smother.  See the word smother?  See the word inside? s'mother".  I wonder if that was how it originated.  Men don't like to be smothered or mothered...well unless they are sick and they want you to smother them like a mother...hah (see that little play on words...even I didn't see that coming...lol)

Anywho, I am sorry he is fishing.  But look, you are actually finding it pathetic now.  At one time, you probably would have been flattered.  You've come along way, Baby!

((HUGS))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 3:45pm

Oh redlightgo!

My experience exactly.  I have been NC (this time) for 28 days, much like you.

I had attempted to end the A numerous times.  MyXAP was the king fisherman.  And, he always got to me somehow.  Tracked me down in my work parking lot, at yoga.  (I have since quit that studio and am going to a studio out of town!  And I no longer park in the same lot at work.)

The constant fishing was, and still is, unnerving.  And, is inconsiderate and selfish.  I read a very helpful article on Baggage Reclaim about what it means when they keep coming back.  It fueled my anger, because it made me realize that their actions are all about them and getting a ‘fix’ to calm their hungry egos.  Has very little to do with us.

I used to think it was flattering, that he still wanted me, blah, blah, blah.  But now I find XAP’s fishing attempts to be a slap in the face.  I told him that it hurt when he contacted me, that it was too hard, that I didn’t want to be in contact anymore.  But, don’t think he was even listening.

So, I have just continued to ignore, ignore, ignore. 

And, I’m trying to remind myself of my part:  that I allowed poor behavior before, I taught him how to treat me.  Why would he look at me any differently?  Maybe in time, he will.  I am hoping that I am teaching him something new about me:  I am unavailable and no longer an option.

And, I have found that my anger has assisted in propelling me out of the A, but, ultimately, I really have no one to blame or be angry at, other than myself.  I could have made different choices.  And I’m PO’d that I didn’t!

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 12:07pm

Thanks, I have come a long way in a short time. Realizing the man I thought I loved is a person I never knew, understood, or respected... couldn't have been love, and glad whatever is was is over. Pity him for being content in that arrangement and needing to try to latch back onto it. A hopeless addict. Go fish in your own pond, or swim away from it alone you BOZO!