Angry... memories of his selfishness
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|Tue, 09-11-2012 - 2:29pm|
I need to vent. I'm really angry and having trouble focusing at work, remembering all the selfish things xAP did, and is STILL doing.
We've been on NC for about a month now. When I ended it, my life's circumstances had changed and ending the A was easier and pretty necessary. I was (and still am) reconnecting with H, and my M has never been better! xAP insisted he just wanted me to be happy, even if that meant letting me go. Well he lied.
Lately he has used clever means to find out how I am... he is still blocked from most channels but let's just say he knows my colleagues, work contact, and route to/from work, so he has found ways to fish. Empty line, yes, but unnerving for me. He's trying to make me feel guilty for treating him like a stranger, like all this meant nothing, how I so easily moved on. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH baby, do you need a diaper!?
Anyway no response from me, but it's triggering all these memories and making me angry as hell. I realize now that I have some distance and have reconnected with H that the A was mostly the result of my extreme loneliness and need for more attention and fun. When I got into the A, I was very much alone in life, even though I am married... hard to explain without details, but H and I rarely had time together for work reasons. Now that has changed and we have almost identical schedules. No more lonely me!
Anyway, so during the A, I was readily available whenever he wanted to see me. I made little compromises to make time for him, worked hours I preferred not to so I could see him, stayed out later than I liked to, walked toward his office to meet for lunch.... I was the one accommodating him. I did lots of things for him that he never did for me. One of them was make him music mixes, which he only did once - only a dozen songs he quickly threw on a flash drive (vs. the hundreds of carefully selected ones I have him).
Anyway, I feel so resentful and this is the only place I can vent about it. I actually am starting to lose all affection for this man. I certainly have a better life without him. Even my moods are much more stable now. Amazing. Just wanted to share... I didn't think I was in the A out of loneliness. I thought it was LOVE. I was delusional.