angry, waste of time and energy
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 02-09-2010 - 12:59pm |
I got so many wonderful, supportive and encouraging posts when I posted recently re: slipping from indifference after an onslaught of triggers attacked me all at once; thank you! thank you!
Now, three days later, I am still struggling with regaining indifference and find myself very angry and frustrated - both with myself for wasting my time thinking about xAP in any way, shape or form - and at xAP over some sh*t he did that still bothers me (and which I thought gotten over/past and couldn't care less about anymore.) Now, I feel like I'm stuck in a phase of "working through" issues that DON'T MATTER, instead of focusing on myself and the recovery from the A and the regaining of my health.
Part of me wants to rant here about the issue(s) and see if the purge will help relieve some of the pressure, or de-mystify the whole thing by 'getting it out there' -- and part of me is thinking that doing that is indulging my current lapse of grace and would be a newbie-maneuver that I should have out grown a while back. What do you think? Purge, bitch, rant and dissect --- or ---- just get the f over it, shove it down, and move on pretending I don't care until it true that I don't care.
Thoughts, my lovely posters?

Pages
Different things work for different people but I think, for me anyway, getting it out is best. Once I put it out there, it's like it isn't inside me eating me up anymore. I know what you mean about how giving it a platform for more drama might keep it alive but it's early and you still have stuff to work through. I think if you were talking about this many years from now, I would say it's time to get over it. Let yourself express what you're feeling. Journaling helps too.
Dee,
I really think purging, bitching and ranting helps to air it out. Otherwise, it tends to stay in the ruminating part of us. Which tends to keep us stuck? I dunno. I am in the same freekin' boat. There is so much I feel I need to purge but I even notice my T wants to skip by that now. I walk away from therapy and feel like the same crapola ruminates.
My T often says to "connect the unhealthy patterns in your relationships with your inner beliefs".....
I think by purging some of this, we can start making some of those connections--with the help of each other.
My two cents (:
LL
I say rant.
Hi Dee,
To post it or not to post it…that is the question.
You’ve had several triggers especially the big one which was seeing him. This will bring a lot of emotions to the surface. It’s very, very normal. It can happen even when you are further out. The only difference is the farther out you are from the A the easier it is to recover. That is if you’ve done all the hard work of introspection which you have been doing.
You are thinking like a Tweener and wondering what is best for your overall healing and what is best for the board. Which is good, it shows you take those wings seriously.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Dee, we can't help you if we don't know what areas you need help in. Forget about sounding like a Newbie...as we go through the healing process there will be numerous issues that suddenly arise that we hadn't thought of or dealt with before. It's similar to going through the stages of grief where one phase overlaps into another, or a new phase has the markings of the first phase. There is no particular order. You have to work on whatever flavor of the day problem takes precedence at the time.
Do what you need to do. This board is for all of those things you described: You can rant, b*tch, analyze, purge, or vent any time. We *all* understand how that emotional
~Iddy~
Dee,
Rant away. I just logged on and was going to post a similar post to yours. I really was going to say just about everything you said, I have had a rough couple of days. The battery went dead on my lap top just as I was going to break cyber contact. He has a twitter account. He would never have known that I saw it. And my laptop dying as I clicked that button at the page was about to load was the best thing that could have ever happened. It was like God knew this would hurt me and he stopped me from me hurting myself.
As you and many other posters know, I did not know I was in a A, I never make excuses. I stood around a bit after I knew. And their wear little things I should have picked up on, Things I inadvertently chose to ignore. They are things that he said and did that I remember so vividly. They hurt like they happened to day. I want to send him an email so so bad....I feel so badly the urge to get it out. So vent, but do it here. I am doing it here as I write you this post.
Several things he did boggle my mind and plague me. The wounds are still fresh.
He spent the night often, morning after making what I thought was love again, he looks me in my eyes and states...."I told everyone I ever know I would never get married, but hell, I will marry you." I was so enamorated. I made him breakfast that morning and he went off to who knows where and I was just as giddy as a school girl.
Another pillow talk moment, he looked at me and said, let's have a baby. He said he knew I would give him the most beautiful babies. He went on and on about names and since he was an only child that although he has already had three children. He wanted more and he went on and on about names etc...He was the one who told me we could stop using condoms etc....He made me so comfortable. He explained that he had been tested recently and that he was safe and I knew I was...but boy the fog was heavy and I trusted and believed him and agreed. As u all may now. I found out he was M only because he was dumb enough to leave his gmail account open. But first was the bigger surprise, he has just had a newborn baby. His W, which he told me was his baby momma, was pregnant when I met him. Of course, I did not know this. Any of it. Then wham, two days later after my dday, I find out that I am pregnant.
I will never understand why he lied about a child. The marriage, that is more common, but a child!! And to encourage me to have one when you are expecting one, to tell me you want to marry me despite you already being married. Why all that total $hit? I never asked you to say that crap to me, I never asked to have your kids, my kids were older, I was done, but you begged. What a sadistic thing to do. This is gut wrenching. I wish that he could answer these to my satisfaction but there is nothing he could say or do. I am the crazy girl. I ended it with him but he had to lie and tell everyone that he ended things with me to make himself look good. He made me out to be a crazy deranged P women who just could not handle losing him and accused me of being like the women in the movie "Obessed." So on top of all the pain and hurt he caused, he added insult to grave injury by mad mouthing me to everyone I knew....Scary scary man.
Iddy. Yes, my pain has been excruciating. Dee, you have helped me with your posts more than you could comprehend. And I can relate to your words about how or why we need to work thru things that simply do not matter. But they matter to me, they matter to me now. The pain has only subsided, its still fervently there.
ALL vets and tweens have forced me to face me and take responsibility and I know I am better and stronger because of this horrible person---but I am declaring I am still here
and I see him for who he truly is, despite the pain. I know he is a completely dysfunctional man who is so lame he has to lie to women to get them to be interested. He tells woeful stories to keep them interested. He has no empathy and is as selfish as one could get, I know this. I do not feel sorry for him...I just pray for his next victims. I am no dummy, he is just THAT GOOD at running these games. He has been doing it for so long.
Sorry for hijacking your post...maybe I should start my own, but Dee, I am here with you and get it out. Do whatever you have to. Whatever works for you, hopefully someone will chime in here and set me straight and help me get to true indifference one day in 2010. That is my goal. I know he may linger after but I am hoping shooting for indifference. I have come too far to let this sorry A$$ man take up any more of my joy, peace and happiness.
Thoughts EAS fam? I need ya
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
(you didn't hi-jack my post!)
xo
Our De-light-ful-Dee...
I believe our fearless leader has it right...where you are in dealing with your issues doesn't make you newbie or tweener, or anything.
The board has spoken. Here is my rant. Although, I am a little, ok... a LOT, fearful that digging this deep will ruin my day. Better to get it out than let it fester?
xAP is a musician. He's on tour a lot. I asked him early on in our R if he hooked up with groupies and he told me "I would never do anything you would have to worry about." in several ways he implied that he did NOT hook up, and (stupid me), I took this to be the truth. Then, at the end of our R, when we were in our 'hysterical bonding' phase, he admitted to having drunken physical contact on a few occasions. I don't know if it was sex, and I don't care. He said that he was telling me because he didn't want to lie to me and that he thought full disclosure would 'bring us closer' and he said that, going forward, he'd be able to commit to full exclusivity with me (something he said he couldn't do in good conscience before) - the raging hypocrisy of 'exclusivity' between cheating M'd people does not escape me, here. I'm totally gagging on it.
Part of his excuse for his behavior is that he was angry and hurting over something I did to him very early on in our friendship -- approximately three months into our friendship, prior to even having lunch together, and only in the email flirting/denying it was going into EA or PA phase. This is what I did. I cultivated an email relationship of a professional nature with someone in his profession circle, whom he disliked but who was able to further his band's agenda. I am in the music business and I cultivated this relationship in order to 1. feel more connected with AP's RL world, and 2. to try to further his musical success. The email relationship with this other man went from professional to a single incident of IM flirting, overshares of personal information and a drunken (his) 20 minute foray into dirty talking (which ended without much hoopla or fun on either of our sides.) I did not, do not, and never would have ANY interest in this person on a personal level and I only had this stupid lapse because I was lonely, stupidly needy and curious where the IM was going. I was just playing around (in a playground littered with landmines.) Then come this past summer, and a whole year later and AP is still having rants and outbursts of anger and berating me for what happened. He seem completely incapable of letting it go, understanding, or forgiving. He accused me of lying about every fn thing re: this incident - he grilled me over and over about details, trying to catch me in a lie - and he said hateful things like he would never trust me.
Here's the deal: His behavior is so unbecoming. It's a complete and concrete indication of HIS problems, HIS insecurities, HIS B*ullsh*t --- NOT MINE. MY problem, and what is bugging me to no end here, is that I PUT UP WITH HIS SH*T and tolerated his ranting and accusations, his mood swings, his hurtful and angry lashing out at me. Instead of kicking his existential meltdown having ass to the curb, I nursed him through it at great cost to myself. And then! and THEN!!!! the Muthaf*ckah has the nerve...... ARG... the GD NERVE to blame his cheating on me on ME?????? Granted, he took _semi_ credit for his behavior, but he did just a little toooooo much justification to suit me and I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be able to say to him now, "you are sooooo full of BS. Rant, rant, rant. Blah, blah, blah. Not only THAT, but FU and the horse you rode in on." so on and so forth.
So, right now, I feel stupid. I was cheated on, and I was a fool, which sucks but is not as bad as the fact that I put up with his berating over such a stupid thing as the IM -- 16 fn months down the road. I was a doormat disguised as a therapist/lover/teacher/friend/soulmate/supporter -- when I should have been dressed like a freakin' Valkyrie and kicking his scrawny a$$ into the abyss.
RRRRRAAAAANNNNT RAAAAAGGGGGE! ARRRRRG. I want to confront him so badly, and it's NOT just because I'm premenopausal. It's for reals!
(ps. I'm not going to proof this because I have to run! sorry for all the typos and such; I really, really, typed it quickly and without much filter!!! Yikers!!)
Love you all. running out now. Hit me with the goods!
Blessings.
Dee
Pages