Angry/Struggling/Venting
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Angry/Struggling/Venting
| Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:48pm |
I'm so angry at ex-MM. Angry, because he quite trying to contact me. Who does he think he is. Even though I no longer want a relationship with him, the chase/time/attention made me feel good. I thrived off of being able to turn him down, not returning his call, I felt like I had power over him. Now it's all gone. I feel powerless.
I know in my heart, that NC is the best thing. But for some reason I want to contact ex-MM and some how force him to say our relationship is over. Throughout our relationship, I've tried to force him to be honest. He started this relationship why should he get off the hook by cowardly walking away, without ending it. It is so hard for me to not pick up the phone and call him, which would be totally STUPID and INSANE on my part. I have to fight everyday not to call.
I know this doesn't make sense, because it doesn't even make sense to me, but it's how I feel. I just needed to get these thoughts out. I can't believe that after 7 months of off again/limited contact, and not seeing this man, that I'm still struggling with this break-up.

I know this is hard, and I totally understand how you feel. When we feel like we aren't in control it just eats away at us and rubs it in our face that we never really "had" them at all. My OM started this whole thing- completely pursued me until I gave it, then he (repeatedly) backed off when he thought he was losing control of the situation, so I always contacted him, asked question, etc. and felt like an idiot. All the while he is not giving me a thought. I feel like screaming at him...
"YOU are the one who pushed me into this. YOU showered me with attention that you sensed I needed. YOU chased me. YOU are the one that tempted me into digressing from my values because we had an attraction. YOU are the one who emailed me 30 times a day at first, then little by little backed off as I started to want you. And YOU are the one who, after I ended things, started emailing again to see how far you could get. And when YOU thought you knew the answer...disappeared."
Whew. that felt good, sorry. dunno where that came from! i was feeling fine but getting that out in the open just brought tears to my eyes. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone in this. It REALLY REALLY hurts to not have closure. After planning on finally REALLY getting together, I decided I wanted out and had all the right things planned to say and all the tools I needed to deal with it myself, but I have not heard from him at all (and we work together-he's here.) and I never got to say any of it. He hasn't contacted me since last week when he got me all hot and bothered then disappeared. (It's been like this for months. We have never had IC but have done everything else.)
Sorry, I posted to give you advice and all I have done is vent...my best advice to you is DO NOT CONTACT HIM. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY WINDOW INTO HURTING YOU AGAIN!!!! Sadly, we will never get the answers we want from these men. Ever. Never, We will only be disappointed. So TRY TRY TRY to be strong and seek the closure you need within yourself. Figure out what you were missing that led you to this A. Seek fulfillment in healthy ways. And most importantly, remember that you DO have the power. By never contacting him and blocking all contact from him you are regaining the power. You need to honor yourself enough to do this. He's not worth all that you are giving up.
I'm here if you need me.
hugs,
Lily
This man consumed you life and love for 17 years off and on so it is to be expected that your going to be deeply hurt and express it as anger and a desire for a little revenge.
In the end your only hurting YOURSELF by having any contact with him at all, I suggest that this person should be considered DEAD to you, bury him in an unmarked grave in the boot hill of your heart then work on you, your still a young woman life still has happiness waiting for you out there in the heart of a good man.
JMHO
Free