Another bad day
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| Sun, 06-19-2005 - 1:13pm |
These ups and downs are really getting to me now. Yesterday the entire day was great. I thought about exMM but no sadness. Today I wake up and feel like I am in a deep black hole. I just can't shake it! Feeling this way while trying to act normal is a tremendous burden and ever so draining. I snapped at H today for no reason. So much for making his day, Father's Day, a pleasant one. This is so unfair to him.
I have maintained my resolve for NC. It's so very difficult because exMM left the door to communication open.
I ended it. I made the right decision. The pain of withdrawal is physically and emotionally excruciating. I miss everything about exMM. I know if he contacted me today I would cave. It's only been 2 weeks.
I am thankful for this board. I have no one in real life to share this with. I have never felt this low in my life...

Hang in there, you are on the right track. It has been a long road but H and I went to see a counselor today. We cried together and he came home and pulled out an old picture of us together. I never thought I would get over XMM but I have to say my thoughts are on my H and family now. I still think of him but it is not that painful. What is painful is to think of what I could have lost. It is also painful to watch my H have to deal with the pain of my betrayal.
At the beginning I suffered through so many emotions but as they cleared and I got some perspective I feel like the person I used to be. The woman I had lost. I feel my focus and energy coming back. Hang in there it just takes time....<<>>
let-it-go
>"I have maintained my resolve for NC. It's so very difficult because exMM left the door to communication open."<
He may have left that door open but you need to close it once and for all first in your own mind and also by closing any channnels of communications that you can to make it harder to slip up when he contacts you.
You made the right decision ending it, nothing but pain comes from these things in the end.
Keep the NO CONTACT take what ever steps you have to so that it stays that way NO CONTACT and TIME is the great healer. Addressing the reasons it happened in the first place is also a good idea, think of it like a weed...kill the root and it will not come back to over run your garden.
Free
let it go,
its the routine that u are missing, the addiction of him is what u are missing, time will heal for sure and in time u will be able to look back and read all your post and smile and think how blinded were u regarding MM
it will take some time for u and most of us to let go of that addiction and fantasy
take care,
max
Thank you all so very much for your support.
jstmekc - Yes, I want to be the person I used to be. I was relaxed and basically happy. I'll get there.
free - I'm sure I can maintain NC. I'm almost sure exMM will maintain NC as well. He is much stronger than I. But he is hurting too so I have no guarantee.
max - You are right about the routine. I spent so much time focused on this one person. The daily communication, the attention, the plans, the time spent together is now gone. I am establishing a new routine. I have begun contacting friends that I neglected during the A. And yes, such a powerful addiction. I didn't realize how powerful and painful it could be. Live and learn.
mo - I know you are right. It takes time and work. How do seemingly intelligent, balanced people allow ourselves to enter into these sad, destructive, complicated situations? I can't believe how weak I became.
Thanks again everybody.