Another fishing attempt...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Another fishing attempt...
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 7:21pm

He emailed me again today. But it was a very passive attempt at fishing if it even qualifies - he forwarded me an email newsletter he received that is very relevant to a health condition I have, and just wrote "I guess this one is for you..."

Obviously, I never responded to the first email (it's been over 48 hours now - yay me!), and won't respond to this one either. I realized: the only reason I would email him back is to make him feel better/be "polite." Well, this is exactly how our "relationship" was - me making him feel better, and me often feeling in turmoil/anxious/confused/disappointed. I wasted time on him for a few moments of fun and feeling sexy here and there? PUHleaze. Anyway, I am still not perfectly over him, and so I did what someone suggested and wrote out all the possible scenarios of if I respond/if I do not. The choice is SO clear - do NOT respond... and the funniest thing was, I also wrote a few response emails, and that was hard to do because every reply I came up with seemed stupid and pointless.

In case you are interested, and since most of our As are pretty similar in terms of why we were in them and how they made a mess of our lives, I am pasting my list of possible outcomes (with some of my commentary) and the dummy email replies below.

Possible reactions and outcomes

  • I do respond...I doesn’t respond after my reply; I feel confused/dumb.
  • He responds in a similar, impersonal way. Nothing gained nor lost. Pointless communication.
  • I seem kind to him. I give him what he wants. Again. Same old story!
  • He sends a response I don’t like and I become anxious, angry, sad, lonely, regretful, jealous or annoyed.
  • He sends me everything I want to hear. Relationship resumes or even improves. Still a total dead end and potential risk to our “real” lives.
  • He tells me he misses me, loves me, blah blah... still never going to go anywhere except take away from my M.
  • These “everything I want to hear” scenarios are HIGHLY unlikely to even come close to happening.
  • We exchange nice, small-talk emails until I/we get bored.
  • It starts casual then builds up to where we left off before the EOA. I become a mess again.
  • It starts up another A and it’s fun and we are careful and it’s fine as is - no expectations, no feelings getting too intense, no consequences. How likely is THIS to happen? HA.
  • We maintain a professional relationship and I have a business contact/freelancing opportunities. (do I need this from him though?? No. The reference would be nice but I have better ones.)
  • He tells me about how he has been, and good or bad I will probably feel icky about it because I have no part in his daily life anymore.
  • He suggests getting together and it makes me a nervous wreck, trying to decide what to do.
  • He emails back while I am on vacation - unwelcome, harmful distraction.
  • He boosts a weak part of my ego, creating the illusion of caring that I got addicted to in the first place and almost ruined my life.
  • He tells me everything I wanted to hear and I feel great about myself because he misses me so terribly and loves me, but I realize I don’t feel the same and tell him so and to discontinue contact. I feel all end-of-Waiting-to-Exhale-ish. Heck yeah...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 8:27pm
Oh my gosh, you are so *me* ( ask Goodheart, she'll laugh if she reads this post).

You know, I did not respond to xAPs last email, months ago. He does now assume that I want no contact. And it was a little scary.

I had sent him an NC text once before, and had stayed NC for 4 months. Then he fished. I thought maybe we *could* be friends or at the very least I could get closure.

It doesn't work like that. You can't be friends and you can't get closure from him.

Your "possible response" is an invitation. I promise you it will be seen as such.

I know being fished is hard. I do.

Think about yourself a year from now. Where do you want to be? This is your life you are fighting for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 8:35pm

Only possible response:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 9:16pm
Lol, I just saw that Rain posted right when I was going to log off and message her to read your post! It is so hepful to lay it out the way you did. I don't care if you have to do this 50 times per day, it is an excellent tool to hep you see how futile any contact wil be. Nice job!
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 9:48pm
Brilliantly done, Redlightgo. You handled this situation so amazingly well. Keep it up, cause it seems like this guy is really working hard at getting a bite. But from you????? NO WAY. You said it beautifully...<<>>
That a girl. This is tough stuff. You are being tougher. :)

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2012
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 9:55am

Fishing attempts hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 1:05pm

Stay strong and don't respond! You have the power and you are in control!

I was the one that fished several times after xAP ended things. He NEVER replied orfished-it has been 7 months now. When I read how the fishing attempts make all of you feel, what a tailspin it sends you into, I am ashamed that I fished and put my xAP through that. Endings are hard for the enders and the endees. I didn't fish to be manipulative, I fished becasue I missed my xAP terribly and wanted to keep him in my life on some level. I see now though how hurtful the fishing can be. I wasn't respecting the fact that he chose his M. I get that now. I never felt good after fishing and not hearing from him-it opened the wounds. I don't fish or cyberstalk anymore, it just isn't worth the emotional pain.

Just sharing my perspective from the other side!



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 1:28pm
Clarity chairs the name change committee, others serve as the BLOCK committee, I am on that committee. Can you block him via email. This needs to be done asap. Why go thru this scenario thing? I get that it helps you, but why bother? I may have missed something but I suggest you either filter or make it go to your trash folder.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 1:51pm

I'm on the same BLOCK committee as Luvin.