Another hurdle down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2010
Another hurdle down?
4
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 2:14pm

I'm on day 26 NC.

Imustenjoypain!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 2:29pm

IMEP,


Seriously, I can't imagine how completely awful it is to work with xap. Especially when you're feeling like you are right now. Just keep thinking about all the reasons you got out. Remind yourself of the lows. Even a little tickle from xap isn't worth the agony you'll face afterward.


I've been emotional myself, wanting to see him again, but then when I visualize it, it grosses me out. No, I really don't want to go back to that place. No cheap, momentary thrill is worth it.


I wish I could intercept your calls for you. Do you have to talk to him? Can't you handle any correspondence by email?


No matter how weak you are feeling right now, remember that it took tremendous strength to end it. You are not a victim. Choices are what empower us. Choose to remain professional and cry in private if you have to. And remember there are a whole bunch of us giving you hugs right now. Stay strong.


~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 3:40pm

It does get easier.

It is such an important hurdle.

I remember posting here when I was getting ready to see my xAP for the first time since we ended it. We also work very closely together - as in, on some projects, we are the only two assigned to the task. This means lots of alone time and very frequent email conversations. Actually, even times away. At first it was brutal - as in BRUTAL. We were both having a tremendous difficulty not crying - and both have separately walked out of work sessions to re-group.

But now, seeing him and not engaging in A related behaviour is getting easier. It still hurts and I still feel sadness when we go our separate ways - the end of a friendship because we were selfish fools. BUT IT HAS GOTTEN SO MUCH BETTER - EVEN BETTER THAN LEAVING DURING THE 'GOOD TIMES' OF THE A.

I take comfort in how we are learning to treat one another - even though he fishes constantly, I have learned how to "be present" but not be ... I protect my heart. I don't feed into it. I reflect on how far I have come and how much stronger I feel. I feel more at peace than I ever did in the A. I come home not feeling guilty. I have so much farther to go, but the pain is getting better each and every time I walk away with my pride intact. It is less exhausting now too.

My biggest lesson has been to really only spend time with him when necessary, instead of making all sorts of excuses in the name of 'work related activities'. We share a very close peer group as well, so that's another very difficult challenge. But, I am learning to just take it one moment at a time, recognize this as a process, and that re-framing my feelings for him will take continued work and vigilance.

My best to you and congrats on making it over/through this hurdle!

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 6/16/2010 5:09 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 6:18pm

Hi IMJP-

A huge hurdle jumped today. Good for you. I was in LC for the first few months of NC and it was brutal. I was lucky enough to get out, but there are many here, including our lovely CL, Iddy, who have made it having to face xap everyday. I was actually thinking today about this. If I had remained at my previous job, which would have meant very regular LC with xap, I have to believe that it would have gotten easier. Getting over him has been much easier since I've been NC over 2 months, but I am so afraid that if I run into him now, despite how far I've come, that'd I lose it. Being LC exposes you to the trigger over and over and eventually it will lose its effect... you become desensitized so to speak. So, keep doing what you are doing. Stand strong within yourself and you will make it. It will get easier. Time really does heal all wounds.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:36am

Thank you ladies.

Imustenjoypain!