Another newbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Another newbie
15
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 10:11pm

Thank goodness I found a place to vent.

Just got dumped by MM on Saturday without warning.  Been best friends for eight years, got into PA in December.  Incredible connection and incredible sex, even as recently as last Thursday.  Did not hear from MM until midday Saturday with a text that essentially said "told wife of affair, she sets conditions of no contact, we're done."  WTF?  No mention of what occurred, etc.  Text/email/call to no avail.  They have blocked all regular forms of communication.  Got a brief email from the wife saying she will bring by my things that they have borrowed, but other than that she expects my full compliance with no contact.

Wanting to see MM and get some explanation, I show up unannounced at his place of business.  He is obviously nervous and concerned.  Calls wife who freaks out.  He is cold as steel to me.  No indication of love and affection that he has ALWAYS had even before the affair.  Tells me in no uncertain terms that it is over and there will be no opportunities to contact him further.  I am devastated to say the least.  I expected a caring and tearful goodbye. A hug.  An offer to go back to friendship status.  Nope.  Cold.  Harsh.  Unfeeling it seems.  Is he even bothered that he may never see me again in any form?  His wife was calling every 3 minutes to make sure he was accomplishing the task of getting rid of me.  At one point, she told him to tell me it was time to leave.  I told him it was a public place and I was under no obligation to do so.

I got mad and called him a few choice expletives before I left.  He said he felt better when he knew I was angry with him and not sad.  So what does anyone make of all this?  Until today I considered him my best friend and one of the most kindest, gentlest souls I know.  Why would he treat me so badly?  Easier to say goodbye when you are emotionally detached?

No idea but I am more hurt than words could ever express.  

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 11:28pm

  Listen,these things happen.  It seems that you did not realize that MM would not leave the W.   Now move on.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 11:53pm

Good sex and love are two different things.  When you have an affair with a married man, he owes you nothing, not even an explanation.  His wife is calling the shots now......and he's going to toe the line.  He obviously had/has no plans to end his marriage, and when there was a choice to be made, he chose his marriage.  Once an affair ends, there is no way that the two people can be "friends"......so it's time for you to move on. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 2:17pm

I don't know why he told his wife, but obviously he doesn't want to lose her, so he is willing to obey the conditions of no contact.  There is no way he could continue to be friends w/ you & save the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 9:08am

I am sorry for your pain. It is weird that he told his wife, but he did, and she apparently is willing to work on the marriage. As hard as it is for you, you must move on. I think it is nice to get some kind of goodbye, but it doesn't always happen. The firmness might be more likely to convey to you the finality of it all, but I can see how his attitude can leave you hanging. It doesn't much matter. He made his choice and you must protect your heart and move on with your life no matter how difficult it is right now. Time, believe it or not, will eventually do its job.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 11:25am

Welcome to EAS, lolathefish

Many of us here know of the hurt and confusion that comes as a result of being blindsidely dumped and then thrown under the bus.

Before I forget, please scroll down to our Healing Library and read the "why there is no closure thread".  It'll help put into perspective just how affairs work and then sometimes come to a screeching halt...and it is up to us to find our own closure.

You can spend way too much precious time trying to figure out how and why things unfolded on his end, or, you can take this as an opportunity to do some introspection and get to the bottom of your 'whys'...as in why did I think having an affair with a married man was okay...that's a good start and will open the door to other issues at play.

For now, you'll have to accept that fact that he and his wife are a united front and there's nothing you can do about it.  We know, it hurts like hell.

With some time and distance out, you'll start feeling a little better about why it is best that it ended...no matter how it ended or who ended it.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 2:34pm

In light of the fact that this is a *support* board, I will be as kind as I can in answering your questions.

He is treating you this way because something happened that made him decide his marriage was more important than his affair with you.  He may have realized he crossed a line back in December, or maybe his wife found out, but in any case, he chose his marriage over you.  In choosing his marriage, he is showing his commitment by making sure his wife knows that you came to his place of business and that he told you to leave.  He is doing what he can to make sure his marriage stays intact.

I really don't think you should expect to be "friends" with someone you had an affair with once it's over.  Together you crossed a line four months ago that he obviously feels shouldn't have been crossed.  Would *you* find it acceptable if you were his wife to have this reminder of what she must think was a very bad decision?  If he's re-committing to his marriage, he's putting what his wife wants over what you want and possibly what he wants (which might include the tearful good-bye you were hoping for).  That's what a good marriage is about, so you shouldn't blame him for it, even if it feels hurtful to you.

Honestly I have much more respect for someone who realizes he made a mistake and is trying to rectify it than for people who go back and forth and don't seem to be able to commit one way or another.  Sorry that his new-found commitment to his marriage has been so painful for you, but you will be taking the better route, the one of fewer regrets and greater self-respect, if you accept that this is his decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 1:21am
First off, I highly doubt that he told her of the affair, but that she somehow found out about it and he then fessed up. Bottom line is he chose his marriage and you need to move on. These are the sad consequences of getting involved with a married man.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 10:10am

How are you holding up today?  Post in and let us know.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Sun, 04-21-2013 - 3:04pm
Thanks everyone for your comments. I actually took a spur of the moment girls only trip on Thursday. Got back last night. Spent a few glorious days away from my regular old life. Spent time in the surf, sand, bars, just trying to heal my broken heart. The girls were spectacular in their support and love. I feel a bit better, although I am finding that everything I do reminds me of him. We spent time together in some way each and every day. It's tough. I find myself wondering if he thinks about some of the same things.....is he missing me? I know it's a useless question at this point. I also know we all think these things. I have lots of activities planned for the week to keep me busy. I'm also trying to plan how to go back to my regular life activities where there might be a chance of running into him--without actually running into him-. I don't want to give up all of the stuff I do simply because he does them as well. Any advice? Still sad, still missing him, still wish things were different
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 11:08am

Morning :)

Ahhhh....there's nothing better than hanging with girlfriends and getting their support. They are the ones with your best interest at heart...not an affair partner.   And they say (don't know who 'they' are), but they say being in the ocean is cleansing and healing too.

You're going through the normal grieving process and it is just going to take some time and distance away.  It's normal, too, to wish things could be different, but they are not and so you don't want to stay in that wish mode...it'll keep you stuck.  Try to replace that kind of thinking with all the positives of being out of a cheap affair.  Focus on the honest life with integrity that you are now living.  Eventually, you'll want to address your issues that led you to having an affair in the first place.  I know that therapy is the best resource for delving into our core issues, and I've seen people grow in leaps and bounds once they start.  

For now, and because you are still fresh out and vulnerable, I'd continue to avoid places you could run into each other.  I know you don't want him to have control over where you go and don't go, and it will seem as though you will be making a lot of sacrifices...but it's all about protecting yourself.

Hang in there, Lola

((hugs))

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

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