Another newbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Another newbie
15
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 10:11pm

Thank goodness I found a place to vent.

Just got dumped by MM on Saturday without warning.  Been best friends for eight years, got into PA in December.  Incredible connection and incredible sex, even as recently as last Thursday.  Did not hear from MM until midday Saturday with a text that essentially said "told wife of affair, she sets conditions of no contact, we're done."  WTF?  No mention of what occurred, etc.  Text/email/call to no avail.  They have blocked all regular forms of communication.  Got a brief email from the wife saying she will bring by my things that they have borrowed, but other than that she expects my full compliance with no contact.

Wanting to see MM and get some explanation, I show up unannounced at his place of business.  He is obviously nervous and concerned.  Calls wife who freaks out.  He is cold as steel to me.  No indication of love and affection that he has ALWAYS had even before the affair.  Tells me in no uncertain terms that it is over and there will be no opportunities to contact him further.  I am devastated to say the least.  I expected a caring and tearful goodbye. A hug.  An offer to go back to friendship status.  Nope.  Cold.  Harsh.  Unfeeling it seems.  Is he even bothered that he may never see me again in any form?  His wife was calling every 3 minutes to make sure he was accomplishing the task of getting rid of me.  At one point, she told him to tell me it was time to leave.  I told him it was a public place and I was under no obligation to do so.

I got mad and called him a few choice expletives before I left.  He said he felt better when he knew I was angry with him and not sad.  So what does anyone make of all this?  Until today I considered him my best friend and one of the most kindest, gentlest souls I know.  Why would he treat me so badly?  Easier to say goodbye when you are emotionally detached?

No idea but I am more hurt than words could ever express.  

Pages

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 12:09am

You're welcome, Lola :)

Dang triggers...they're everywhere.  It's not easy, but I promise that over time the rollercoaster ride of emotions will smoothe out and become less intense and bumpy.  You'll still experience highs and lows for a while, but the highs will begin to outweigh the lows...really, they will.

It's just going to take time...and so, as our RBM says, 'give time, time'.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 10:18pm
Thanks Clarity! I so appreciate your kind and supportive words. It's weird.....I am about 8 days out, and just feel lost. I am this big bottle of emotion. Sadness, anger, remorse, hurt. Anything and everything seems to trigger some fond memory. About a year ago xMM (ok....that's the first time I have said that) hit my mailbox after dropping me off. Shattered his rear view mirror. The pieces were all over my driveway. I swept them up some time ago. Today I walk out to get the mail, and there is a perfectly shaped square of light staring me in the face! It made me giggle........and then made me sad. Again. ugh.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 3:43pm

No one is going to jump in and attack you for making the decision not to tell your husband.  It's a personal decision, as you know your husband/situation the best.  A lot of people stand to get hurt...some would recover, some would not.  

I'm of the opinion that as long as we are striving to better ourselves and take every precaution to insure that we never go down such a destructive path again, there is no need to tell.  And that includes some pretty intense work on ourselves.  I think we have to come to the realization that it was just all wrong...get to the point of "there's nothing he can do or say to draw me back in.'   Otherwise, we are vulnerable to fishing attempts.

Keep posting in to share your thoughts and for support. 

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 2:31pm
Maybe not weird, but it was completely out of the blue when things *seemed* to be going along well. And no, he doesn't owe me a thing. I have been replaying in my head that last conversation to see if I can gain any insight and still come up empty. It's been eight days since I have had any contact and feeling a little better every day. I should also add that I, too, am married. So he chose to enter a relationship with someone who is married as well. Our families are interconnected and we live close to each other. I am not proud of myself, but at this point it is what it is and cannot be changed. Before anyone jumps in and attacks me, I have not told my husband. MM asked me not to tell him to protect my children. Altruistic or leaving a way to get back in my life down the road? I'm not sure. I am conflicted about this as well. I am fortunate to have you all to vent with......and one very special girlfriend who knows about my situation, loves me anyway, and will listen whenever I need her. Thanks all. Have a great day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 12:05pm
It's really not weird that he told his W. when couples are trying to recover from an A and repair their M full disclosure is necessary. If a person is tired of cheating and loves their spouse there should be no secrets. Telling her makes him accountable and shows that he wants his M. To be honest, him and his W are acting as a united front and he doesn't owe you anything. You knew he was M and you chose to enter into a relationship with someone who is M to someone else. Work on your boundaries with MM. It's not that healthy to become best friends with MM unless you are as close to his W also.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 11:08am

Morning :)

Ahhhh....there's nothing better than hanging with girlfriends and getting their support. They are the ones with your best interest at heart...not an affair partner.   And they say (don't know who 'they' are), but they say being in the ocean is cleansing and healing too.

You're going through the normal grieving process and it is just going to take some time and distance away.  It's normal, too, to wish things could be different, but they are not and so you don't want to stay in that wish mode...it'll keep you stuck.  Try to replace that kind of thinking with all the positives of being out of a cheap affair.  Focus on the honest life with integrity that you are now living.  Eventually, you'll want to address your issues that led you to having an affair in the first place.  I know that therapy is the best resource for delving into our core issues, and I've seen people grow in leaps and bounds once they start.  

For now, and because you are still fresh out and vulnerable, I'd continue to avoid places you could run into each other.  I know you don't want him to have control over where you go and don't go, and it will seem as though you will be making a lot of sacrifices...but it's all about protecting yourself.

Hang in there, Lola

((hugs))

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Sun, 04-21-2013 - 3:04pm
Thanks everyone for your comments. I actually took a spur of the moment girls only trip on Thursday. Got back last night. Spent a few glorious days away from my regular old life. Spent time in the surf, sand, bars, just trying to heal my broken heart. The girls were spectacular in their support and love. I feel a bit better, although I am finding that everything I do reminds me of him. We spent time together in some way each and every day. It's tough. I find myself wondering if he thinks about some of the same things.....is he missing me? I know it's a useless question at this point. I also know we all think these things. I have lots of activities planned for the week to keep me busy. I'm also trying to plan how to go back to my regular life activities where there might be a chance of running into him--without actually running into him-. I don't want to give up all of the stuff I do simply because he does them as well. Any advice? Still sad, still missing him, still wish things were different
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 10:10am

How are you holding up today?  Post in and let us know.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 1:21am
First off, I highly doubt that he told her of the affair, but that she somehow found out about it and he then fessed up. Bottom line is he chose his marriage and you need to move on. These are the sad consequences of getting involved with a married man.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 2:34pm

In light of the fact that this is a *support* board, I will be as kind as I can in answering your questions.

He is treating you this way because something happened that made him decide his marriage was more important than his affair with you.  He may have realized he crossed a line back in December, or maybe his wife found out, but in any case, he chose his marriage over you.  In choosing his marriage, he is showing his commitment by making sure his wife knows that you came to his place of business and that he told you to leave.  He is doing what he can to make sure his marriage stays intact.

I really don't think you should expect to be "friends" with someone you had an affair with once it's over.  Together you crossed a line four months ago that he obviously feels shouldn't have been crossed.  Would *you* find it acceptable if you were his wife to have this reminder of what she must think was a very bad decision?  If he's re-committing to his marriage, he's putting what his wife wants over what you want and possibly what he wants (which might include the tearful good-bye you were hoping for).  That's what a good marriage is about, so you shouldn't blame him for it, even if it feels hurtful to you.

Honestly I have much more respect for someone who realizes he made a mistake and is trying to rectify it than for people who go back and forth and don't seem to be able to commit one way or another.  Sorry that his new-found commitment to his marriage has been so painful for you, but you will be taking the better route, the one of fewer regrets and greater self-respect, if you accept that this is his decision.

Pages