Another newbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Another newbie
15
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 10:11pm

Thank goodness I found a place to vent.

Just got dumped by MM on Saturday without warning.  Been best friends for eight years, got into PA in December.  Incredible connection and incredible sex, even as recently as last Thursday.  Did not hear from MM until midday Saturday with a text that essentially said "told wife of affair, she sets conditions of no contact, we're done."  WTF?  No mention of what occurred, etc.  Text/email/call to no avail.  They have blocked all regular forms of communication.  Got a brief email from the wife saying she will bring by my things that they have borrowed, but other than that she expects my full compliance with no contact.

Wanting to see MM and get some explanation, I show up unannounced at his place of business.  He is obviously nervous and concerned.  Calls wife who freaks out.  He is cold as steel to me.  No indication of love and affection that he has ALWAYS had even before the affair.  Tells me in no uncertain terms that it is over and there will be no opportunities to contact him further.  I am devastated to say the least.  I expected a caring and tearful goodbye. A hug.  An offer to go back to friendship status.  Nope.  Cold.  Harsh.  Unfeeling it seems.  Is he even bothered that he may never see me again in any form?  His wife was calling every 3 minutes to make sure he was accomplishing the task of getting rid of me.  At one point, she told him to tell me it was time to leave.  I told him it was a public place and I was under no obligation to do so.

I got mad and called him a few choice expletives before I left.  He said he felt better when he knew I was angry with him and not sad.  So what does anyone make of all this?  Until today I considered him my best friend and one of the most kindest, gentlest souls I know.  Why would he treat me so badly?  Easier to say goodbye when you are emotionally detached?

No idea but I am more hurt than words could ever express.  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 12:05pm
It's really not weird that he told his W. when couples are trying to recover from an A and repair their M full disclosure is necessary. If a person is tired of cheating and loves their spouse there should be no secrets. Telling her makes him accountable and shows that he wants his M. To be honest, him and his W are acting as a united front and he doesn't owe you anything. You knew he was M and you chose to enter into a relationship with someone who is M to someone else. Work on your boundaries with MM. It's not that healthy to become best friends with MM unless you are as close to his W also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 2:31pm
Maybe not weird, but it was completely out of the blue when things *seemed* to be going along well. And no, he doesn't owe me a thing. I have been replaying in my head that last conversation to see if I can gain any insight and still come up empty. It's been eight days since I have had any contact and feeling a little better every day. I should also add that I, too, am married. So he chose to enter a relationship with someone who is married as well. Our families are interconnected and we live close to each other. I am not proud of myself, but at this point it is what it is and cannot be changed. Before anyone jumps in and attacks me, I have not told my husband. MM asked me not to tell him to protect my children. Altruistic or leaving a way to get back in my life down the road? I'm not sure. I am conflicted about this as well. I am fortunate to have you all to vent with......and one very special girlfriend who knows about my situation, loves me anyway, and will listen whenever I need her. Thanks all. Have a great day!
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 3:43pm

No one is going to jump in and attack you for making the decision not to tell your husband.  It's a personal decision, as you know your husband/situation the best.  A lot of people stand to get hurt...some would recover, some would not.  

I'm of the opinion that as long as we are striving to better ourselves and take every precaution to insure that we never go down such a destructive path again, there is no need to tell.  And that includes some pretty intense work on ourselves.  I think we have to come to the realization that it was just all wrong...get to the point of "there's nothing he can do or say to draw me back in.'   Otherwise, we are vulnerable to fishing attempts.

Keep posting in to share your thoughts and for support. 

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 10:18pm
Thanks Clarity! I so appreciate your kind and supportive words. It's weird.....I am about 8 days out, and just feel lost. I am this big bottle of emotion. Sadness, anger, remorse, hurt. Anything and everything seems to trigger some fond memory. About a year ago xMM (ok....that's the first time I have said that) hit my mailbox after dropping me off. Shattered his rear view mirror. The pieces were all over my driveway. I swept them up some time ago. Today I walk out to get the mail, and there is a perfectly shaped square of light staring me in the face! It made me giggle........and then made me sad. Again. ugh.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 12:09am

You're welcome, Lola :)

Dang triggers...they're everywhere.  It's not easy, but I promise that over time the rollercoaster ride of emotions will smoothe out and become less intense and bumpy.  You'll still experience highs and lows for a while, but the highs will begin to outweigh the lows...really, they will.

It's just going to take time...and so, as our RBM says, 'give time, time'.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

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